Wanted: New Material

 I have probably observed before that only two things of significance ever happened in Iowa:  Bix Beiderbecke was born there and Cary Grant died there.  So when Trump threatened never to return if he fails to win the state, it wasn't much of a sacrifice.  There may be a soybean museum, I haven't checked.

I'm almost tempted to say  "I'll have what he's having," because the pharma cocktail they're pouring into Trump has made him as manic as 1980s Robin Williams.  In Johnstown, Pennsylvania, he threatened to kiss everyone (in a super-hetero manly way, of course) because he is now "immune" to covid.  He made the same proposition in Sanford, Florida.  In North Carolina he roused the patriots with an empty promise to give flag-burners a year in prison.  Lawn signs, police stations, California, plenty of things are burning but I haven't heard of anyone burning a flag in years. (Yeah, but what about those draft-card-burning hippies?)  He boasted about making Mark Meadows share his helicopter and contract coronavirus as if it was an honor;  for all I know, Meadows agrees.  His latest schtick involves tossing face masks at the mob, but no one will say if he infects all of them with Official Donald J. Trump Coronavirus first.  

Trump has expressed admiration for the way President Duterte of the Philippines deals with suspected drug dealers, by having them shot on sight.  So it was no surprise when he more or less took credit for the US Marshal's Service's "summary execution" of Michael Reinoehl, "admitted Antifa member," in Portland.  "They knew who he was, they didn't want to arrest him, and fifteen minutes, that ended."  So long, due process, it's been good to know you. 

The steroid-and-stem-cell julep appears to have stripped the last bits of reasoning capacity from the Stable Jenius.  He told the Tarheel Trumpanzees that Mother Hubbard's evasive and dishonest answers prove "she's toying with those Democrat, evil people."  Evil!  Picking on poor Amy just because a nominee to the Supreme Court apparently never heard of the First Amendment.  He compared himself to Jesus, who just edges him out in popularity -- careful, Donzo, remember what happened to John Lennon.  And -- this is just sad -- he launched a desperate tweet at California:   "VOTE FOR TRUMP, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE!!!"  

Sad because California probably has a majority of the nation's Asian American voters, and this was the day some staffer "accidentally" sent YouTube a video of funnyman Rudolph Giuliani doing his  "Chinaman" routine.  Not helping, Rudolph, but I'd like to buy that staffer a beer.  

We keep being promised an October surprise, but it's always more hate hash.  Giuliani and the deeply reliable Murdoch Post cooked up a variation on the Burisma story where Hunter Biden's laptop turned up on Funk and Wagnall's porch or something, but it went nowhere.  Tara Reade resurfaced with a self-published book about her claim to have been groped by Joe Biden, but even Amazon isn't selling it despite outraged shouting on Fox News.   And Trump still thinks it's 2016, telling Greenville MAGAts that "the glass ceiling broke her," Hillary of course.  I can't understand why the suburban women aren't falling at his feet.   

But the free press and the news media will save us, right?  Trump was afraid to debate Biden again because he can't stand to be in a room where even one person doesn't praise him and that's how a debate works.  So he wheedled NBC into giving his broke-ass campaign a free hour-long "town hall" tonight at exactly the same hour Biden's is on ABC.  Then he insulted the sucker -- uh, Peacock network, explaining the joke because they're pretty slow in North Carolina:  "So I'm doing this town hall with Concast -- C-O-N, right?  Con, because it's a con job."  NBC is getting it from both sides just because they're supine ratings whores who used to make money from his "reality" show.  Trump doesn't care how many Americans die but he's obsessed with ratings.  Vote with your remote.  (There's talk of an NBC boycott but I've always been able to do without "American Ninja Warrior" and "Ellen's Game of Games" anyway.)

This just in:  We can all relax because China is paying for the coronavirus relief package.  Guess who said so.

Back away slowly.  Do not make eye contact.