Friday, October 21, 2016

Double your standards, double your fun

You never refer to your opponent except by her first name, as if she were a servant, and then always preceded by "crooked."

You call her "the devil."

You propose disarming her Secret Service detail so that the "Second Amendment people" can solve your problem.

You mock her for attending a memorial service despite suffering from pneumonia, and imply that she has other health problems.

You claim she was "kicked off" a "Watergate commission," whatever that is, for being "corrupt."  At a charity banquet.

You demand she take a test for performance-enhancing drugs before the third of three debates in which she kicks your ass, and then abuse her because she prepared for them.

You accuse her of founding ISIS.

You accuse her of starting Birtherism.

You urge Russian hackers to steal her emails.

You promise at least once a day to put her in prison for some unspecified crime.

You invite her husband's alleged paramours to the debates.

When she suggests that you will try to weasel out of contributing to Social Security, just as you proudly avoid paying income tax, you whine, "Such a nasty woman."

You lying, foul-mouthed, self-pitying, racist, ignorant, cheap, grotesque, poisonous, cowardly, sleazy, stupid, treasonous degenerate.

Is that nasty enough for you?

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Let us prey

You may have been distracted by the debate (promoted as if it were Ali-Frazier) and the sneak-launch of Trump TV, but it's time to get ready for   the founding of the First Church of Trump.  I was surprised it took this long.  Religion has historically been the most effective way of extracting money from the frightened and the foolish, while giving them nothing but vague promises about eternity.  (No one has successfully sued a religion because grandma didn't go to heaven.)  It's tax-free, which must appeal to Donnie Deadbeat.  And if Trump likes the Second Amendment he's going to love the First, which basically says that the government can't touch any racket that calls itself a religion.  Quick, someone, tell him about it!

Believers who join at the Executive level will receive a free Gideon Bible from one of Trump's hotels.  The Deluxe Executive level brings them a Bible plus the Stations of Donald, fourteen heart-rending depictions of Trump being viciously attacked by Hillary, the media, the Khan family, Judge Curiel, Paul Ryan, Elizabeth Warren, Mark Cuban, Lester Holt, Gloria Allred, Megyn Kelly, that bitch Chelsea who didn't invite him to her wedding, George H.W. Bush, John McCain -- look, there may be more than fourteen because Trump has suffered so much worse than Christ.  And sacrifices, wow, believe me, so many sacrifices.  And at the Platinum Deluxe level you get an actual relic -- a hair, a fingernail clipping, whatever -- which you can wear with your "Hillary For Prison" shirt and be of good faith for the next four years.

Trump has proved he can bamboozle the evangelical CEOs (admittedly, not a major achievement), so it's time to lure away their customers.  Selah.


Monday, October 17, 2016

Gross indecency

Defending himself against another woman who accused him of "sexual misconduct," the Republican nominee said, "Take a look.  You take a look.  Look at her, look at her words, you tell me what you think.  I don't think so."  And the crowd howled its agreement:  not hot enough to molest.

Now being of a historical turn of mind, I was reminded of the second trial of Oscar Wilde, the criminal trial in which he was a defendant.  Asked by the Crown Prosecutor if he had kissed  a certain boy in a brothel, Wilde replied, "Oh, no, he was much too ugly."  Which implied that other boys had come up to his standards.  Which was a straight shot to Reading Gaol.  Which is known in legal circles as Not Knowing When To Shut Up, because you think you're the smartest person in the room, which in Wilde's case was probably true but still got him two years at hard labor. 

You are not the smartest anything.  In the words of Walter Sobchak, "Shut the fuck up, Donnie."

Or don't.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Everybody must get stoned!

While I was unavoidably detained by Hurricane Matthew*, the Chicago Cubs moved closer to their first World Series victory since 1908 and Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature.  I have no questions.  I can no longer be startled by anything.  Just nod.

In other news that isn't news, Donald Trump is still an ignorant misogynist, racist, and danger to shipping.  You probably can't tell but I've been without television for a week and he is visibly fatter (Calvin Trillin thinks he wears a corset, accounting for the swollen neck and florid complexion).  A few more buckets of Extra Crispy and this could be academic by November.   Meanwhile he grunts along, his tiny paws still leading a band that sane people can't hear,  demanding that Clinton be tested for performance-enhancing drugs before Wednesday's debate.  The steady stream of women now accusing him of swinish behavior -- the Cosbys and Trumps never stop at one or two -- could clinch the election if they all voted in Ohio.  The party establishment continues to act shocked, shocked!, but even Claude Rains couldn't pull that off.  The only trace of humor at this point is the promise of game-changing revelations that turn out to be damp squibs, more hissy-fits from Julian Assange -- himself a fugitive from sexual assault charges, so you connect the dots.  And the crazy has no bottom.  Trump is the target of a Vast Conspiracy that encompasses the banks, the media, Carlos Slim (why?), Rosie O'Donnell, the Elders of Zion, Megyn Kelly, Paul Ryan, the Central Park Five, the Modern Jazz Quartet and his hairdresser.  Also Benghazi.

I only want it to be over, but I had a sick feeling even before armed Stormtrumpers stationed themselves in front of a Clinton campaign office in Virginia yesterday.  Trump has any number of these thugs primed to refuse to accept the results of the "rigged" election.  If you belong to a synagogue, a mosque or a black church, organize yourselves.  Buy weapons, get to a range and learn to use them, for November 8 could well be the American Kristallnacht, and you will be the first targets.  I know, I sound crazy, too.  I hope I am. 

*Not really a hurricane but created by the Army on orders from Obama to scare people into believing the myths about climate change invented by Al Gore and the UN.  Got it? 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Drive-by politics

Why is it that men with the most opinions about women's bodies rarely look like George Clooney?  Usually they're gargoyles like Donald Trump, Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh.  Can they see well enough to cross the road?  Or are they perpetually in high school, angry at the girls who laughed at them and enraged at the guys who didn't get laughed at, like Bill Clinton?

I can't decide if Gary Johnson is the Dan Quayle or the Sarah Palin of 2016, but I'm sure the Libertarian Party wish they could reverse the ticket and put Bill Weld at the top.  And that their platform didn't include the decriminalization of marijuana.

Why, exactly, do vice-presidential candidates debate?  Who cares what they think, or how they explain it?  The job consists of going to funerals, casting a tie-breaking vote every seven years or so, and waiting around.  And it's not as if we can pick the one we like better, they just come with the other one.

It must have been with some relief that Chris Christie rushed from one trainwreck to another this morning.  Apparently he has been tasked with preparing Donzo the Clown for his next "debate."  Bring a cattle-prod, Chris.  Your boy has the attention span of a concussed bee and the IQ of a drawerful of socks.  On the other hand, he has probably earned the right to wear that Purple Heart -- HRC cleaned his clock, oiled it, set it to Naval Observatory time and stuck it right up on his mantelpiece.  So his new strategy is to insult all non-Christians and yell about Monica Lewinsky.  That should work.

"Detached" was the word used to describe Ronald Reagan, especially in his second term, when Mommy and her astrologer were more or less running the Executive Branch.  How does that differ from "having trouble staying focused"? 

Trump claims/doesn't claim that global climate change is a "hoax" perpetrated by (who else?) the Chinese.  But nobody in Taiwan or southeast China thinks it's a hoax, as they stagger out from under the third typhoon in a month.  How many Katrinas and Sandys will it take to convince the pinheads?  I guess we'll find out.

When you pass a law, however idiotic, you have to provide for enforcement.  So I expect North Carolina to create a new force of State Toilet Police.  Stationed before every public restroom in their spiffy uniforms (I like lime green), they will check every person's birth certificate against her/his anatomy to make sure they pee where God intended.  It's a creepy job, but clearly someone has to do it.

It's just a microphone, Donzo.  What you want is Political Auto-Tune, where you spew idiocy and bullshit and reasoned speech comes out.  Hasn't been invented yet. 



Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Also the lectern was very very wobbly

El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago (thanks, Charlie!) would have done better if he had failed to show up.  I really expected Lester Holt to read a letter from the "doctor":  "Although Mr. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest, most high-energy person ever to run for anything, he is too tired from making America great again to come to your debate." 

The groundwork had certainly been laid.  First he claimed to have a letter from the NFL raising objections to the schedule.  (Lie.)  Then he wanted a debate without  a moderator, so he could yell abuse for ninety minutes while his minions chanted, "Lock 'er up!"  Then he insisted that the moderator be as clueless about reality-checking as Matt Lauer.  (Not quite.)  Then he stated, pre-emptively, that Lester Holt was a Democrat.  (Another lie.)  Then he spent the weekend cramming with his advisors Ronald McDonald, Col. Sanders and the Burger King.  (Burp.)  Meanwhile, he proposed seating Gennifer Flowers in the front row, which would really throw that bitch off her game, believe me.  (Yes.  She'd look down and think, "You're the skank who screwed my husband, and I'm running for president.  Beat that with a stick.") 

After a half hour of rope-a-dope, of course, it was all Hillary, who has been pronounced "stupid" by Sycophant in Chief Giuliani.  No, Rudolph, it might be smart to avoid paying income tax, dodge the draft, ditch jury duty, and all those other annoyances that go with living in a civilized country.  It's stupid to brag about it.  People might be reminded that they pay more so you can pay nothing, that their children die in wars while you "sacrifice" by putting up hideous buildings with other people's money.  You don't want that.

Chris Christie thinks Donald won, but Chris Christie's future plans are likely to depend on a Presidential pardon.  And Chris Christie is in a unique position to know how bad the food is in New Jersey prisons. 

It was a very bad microphone.  Made him sound like he was snuffling.  Made Howard Dean think of a certain drug that rich people use to keep up their energy.  But he was being sarcastic. 

The lights were in his eyes.

The auditorium was too cold.

Alicia Machado is fat. 

Emails.  Temperament.   Sean Hannity!


Thursday, September 22, 2016

Just stop

As the demonstrations in Charlotte turned violent last night, Donald Trump had one of his inspired solutions:  Expand the dehumanization of black Americans policy of stop-and-frisk to the entire country.  Or possibly just Chicago.  Exactly how this would apply to a man who was reading a book in his car is not clear -- reading while black has not been a capital crime in North Carolina since 1865 -- but as Maj. Denis Bloodnok used to say,  "I admire your vacuity, sir." 

New York City, where Fourth Amendment violation began under the regime of Il Ducetto Giuliani, should begin by extending stop-and-frisk to Wall Street.  Throw a few hedge fund managers against the walls of the House of Morgan and go through their elegant belongings.  I'm willing to bet the police will find more felony-weight cocaine in an $800 briefcase than in the backpack of a kid on 109th Street.  And that's a good bust, right?  A promotion maker.  But wait, don't forget about Mrs. Fund-Manager on Park Avenue.  She probably has some pills in that Gucci bag that weren't prescribed by her doctor.  See?  You've taken two desperadoes off the street.  Much more important, you've demonstrated that the law applies to everyone, equally.

Yeah, I give it a week.