Saturday, February 17, 2018

Location, location, location

This is Maria Thorne, a fifth-grade teacher in Key Biscayne, Florida.  The creepy guy behind her is
Paul Ryan, who saw no reason to cancel a fund-raiser in Florida this week.  Ms. Thorne introduced herself and said, "You're here celebrating the death of seventeen children."  She was kicked out.

I think we have found our Nasty Woman of the Month.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

There will be blood

Nikolas Cruz ROF

This is the flag Jordan Jereb and his white nationalist militia would like to raise over the "Republic of Florida."  "I'm angry.  I'm full of HATE," he wrote on Facebook.  Why do you care?  Because Nikolas Cruz, who was just arraigned for murdering seventeen people at a high school in Parkland, Florida, trained with them.  Cruz said he wanted to be a "professional school shooter," and I guess he is.  A classmate reports that he expressed hatred of Muslims and wore a Trump hat.  Get the picture?  So when Trump tweeted out his first response -- not the gassy platitudes he read off a Teleprompter today -- it went like this:  "Neighbors and classmates knew he was a big problem.  Must always report such instances to authorities, again and again!"

So if you see someone sporting a MAGA hat, or buying a suspiciously large number of tiki torches, or lining up for a Trump rally, or watching Hannity, or getting a tattoo of Ann Coulter, don't hesitate:  Alert the FBI and mental health professionals.  Do not approach.  Do not engage.

In other words, I'm hammered and not in a good way.  A certain numbness sets in, and you notice all the coincidences -- Ash Wednesday, St. Valentine's Day (Massacre) -- while knowing in advance what will come.  It's all somehow Obama's fault.  We mustn't politicize it.  Laws don't work, he would have acquired an assault rifle anyway.  It's a mental health issue, but spending more money on public health programs, rather than less, won't help.  Why didn't the FBI stop  him, while investigating every basement typist venting his rage on social media?  Who signed that bill making it easier for the mentally ill to buy guns?  (Hint:  the signature resembled a chimp's EEG.)  Freedom.  Second Fucking Amendment.  This is where I came in, and I don't like the movie anyway.

Talk of gun control -- don't panic, it's just talk -- again fills the airwaves.  This can only be good news for the Remington company, which filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy just three days ago.  I'll pretend that isn't a coincidence.  Those Bushmasters will be walking out of the stores now, as militiamen stock up for the approaching coup (don't even ask).   See?  God closes a door, he opens a window.

Thoughts and prayers.  

German joke

As you can see, Trump is making the world respect us again.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Help needed

Can someone explain to me why everyone is so excited?

Rob Porter held down a sensitive job in the White House for months even though his FBI background check precluded security clearance.  1.  So what else is new?  2.  What danger did he represent, as opposed to, say, slumlord-in-law Jared Kushner, similarly uncleared?  Well, I keep hearing, Porter was susceptible to blackmail.  Really?

How does blackmail work?  Someone threatens to expose something that will destroy your reputation.  But if you work for Trump, you're as depraved as he is.  You have no reputation to destroy.

Porter was a wife-beating thug long before he was hired -- it might explain why he was hired -- but Trump has a gift for bringing out the worst is everyone.   John Kelly was a respected military man, and nobody gets the benefit of the doubt like a four-star general.  He was described as decent, courageous, even heroic.  He would bring maturity to the sandbox.  What happened?  A few months around Trump and he revealed the extent of the misogyny and racism he had concealed for decades.  He's the chief of staff; nobody ordered him to trash Rep. Frederica Wilson (and, by analogy, Sgt. Johnson's widow).  He chose to do it, to prove his loyalty as a courtier.  Instead, he proved his depravity.

So far, the only courtier who has held onto his dignity and self-respect is the ironically named "Mad Dog" Mattis, trying to put the brakes on the demented man-baby in the only way he can, by dragging his feet -- on the mustering out of transgender personnel (that one stinks of the evangelics), on the idiotic Big Parade, and most crucially, on the second Korean War man-baby is determined to provoke in time for the elections.  (What's a few hundred thousand dead compared to keeping Ryan and McConnell in power?  They knew what they were getting into.)  Will Mattis foul himself like all the rest?  Only time will tell.

Instead of endlessly arguing about what Kelly knew about the ex-wife's black eye and when he knew it, we should be trying to identify the most powerful person in the kingdom, the Trump whisperer -- the individual who has to summarize the Presidential Daily Briefing because he's too lazy to read it and too stupid to understand it.  This person is effectively running the executive branch and my money is on Number One Groupie Hope Hicks, who is apparently sleeping her way through the band.

And this is what we've come to.

Wednesday, February 07, 2018

March hair

Cadet Bonespurs (thanks, Senator Duckworth) has ordered a parade to show everybody how his missiles are far biglier than Little Rocket Man's.  The juddering sound you heard last night was Jim Mattis's eyes rolling back in his skull.  And all across Blogenheim people are appalled at the United States taking another step toward May Day in Moscow.

I for one think this could be an opportunity in a number of ways.  First, the roadways and bridges of Washington would need major work before they could support military vehicles, even if tanks are excluded.  All the talk about infrastructure would finally be more than talk.  Second, Mattis has proposed to hold it on Veterans Day, when many communities already have parades; what's wrong with honoring veterans?  Their ongoing problems with PTSD, unemployment and drug addiction would have to be discussed, as well as the endless wars that create them.  November 11 is a few days after the midterm election, when I confidently expect the Republiklan to be expelled from control of Congress.  Bonespurs will be fuming about "election fraud" and his impending impeachment, while Ryan/McConnell frantically try to finish destroying American institutions before January.

And make it extra long, please, so the lazy fat slob has to stand there saluting for hours with no chance to cram in a cheeseburger, tweet racist abuse, or watch Fox.  Ten or eleven hours should do it.  With a 72-year-old prostate, how often do you suppose he needs to make wee-wee?  Let's see, twelve sodas a day, morbidly obese, and maybe some of that global-warming-enhanced Indian Summer that makes it feel like August...who's got the Depends?

Here's your parade, Cadet Bonespurs.   Enjoy.

Monday, February 05, 2018

Monday is fun day!

Image result for heidi cruz      

This is Heidi Cruz, Goldman Sachs executive, veteran of the Bush administration, wife, mom, and threat to American sovereignty.  If her husband Ted had become president, she would by now have merged the United States into the North American Union along with Mexico and Canada, through the evil force of her personality and femaleness.  According to Landro Rizzuto, Jr., our next ambassador to Bermuda, which is a British territory surrounded by big water.  That was close, huh?  Also her father-in-law probably assassinated John Kennedy.  Wheels within wheels, people.

People who live in downtown Philadelphia may have thought they were witnessing a riot last night, as jubilant Eagles fans smashed streetlights and overturned a police car.  They must be reassured to
know, via Fox News, that it was "a celebration that went haywire."  No black people were involved.

Arthur Jones, a Holocaust denier and white nationalist, is the Republican candidate for the House in the third district of Illinois this year.  The Illinois party has disavowed him, but is not running anyone against him in this suburban Chicago district, considered a safe Democratic seat.  Why waste money? Go with the Nazi white nationalist.

Six correctional officers have now been indicted for raping and abusing thirteen female inmates at the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility in New Jersey over more than a decade.  But they're just prisoners, not cute gymnasts, so don't expect a repeat of the Larry Nassar dramatics.

Last week the groundhog saw his shadow and Michele Bachmann saw this in St. Paul.  So she is not running for the Senate.  Thank God.

Bachmann looking for a sign from God

Thursday, February 01, 2018

Governing with heart

Pic of the Moment

We've seen SOTU heckling before, but never booing.  Another first!

You can only work so much into a Castro-length harangue, so it's not surprising Trump forgot to mention yesterday's drop of nearly 400 points in the Dow Jones, the only economic metric the Republiklan ever heard of.  Apparently Amazon, JP Morgan Chase and Berkshire Hathaway think they can do health insurance better, and investors in the existing companies went into a panic.  Sad.

Eric "Greasy" Trump was on Fox today voicing his displeasure with daddy's less-than-enthusiastic reception.  "When my father mentioned 'In God We Trust,' the guiding principle of this country, no one stood," he pouted.  Well, some people did, but conspicuously not his stepmother the FPOTUS.  Melania couldn't go to Davos because she had to spend the weekend getting them topped up with silicone for the big night, so maybe she was afraid of tipping over.  It's full-time work being a trophy wife at 47, especially when you can be prosecuted for lying on your visa application.  Sleeping in separate rooms is understandable, even commendable -- who wants to wake up with McDonald's ketchup in your hair? -- but all this separate travel is starting to add up.  She wouldn't even ride in the car with him last night.  By the way, Eric, when did "In God We Trust," added to the coinage in the 1950s, become "the guiding principle of this country"?  Unless it concludes "all others pay cash."  Maybe you should stick to running the family plonk factory, picking people up at the airport, and other Fredo duties, hmm?

Tres Gowdy, South Carolina hair model and relentless Torquemada of Benghazi, suddenly decided he doesn't want to be in Congress anymore.  I don't want him there, either.  Unity at last!  In case he misses government work, there's an opening at the Centers for Disease Control in nearby Atlanta.  The director, Brenda Fitzgerald, abruptly quit when it was revealed that she has been investing bigly in tobacco stocks, as well as in Bayer, Humana and Merck Pharmaceuticals.  No conflict of interest!  You're the conflict of interest!  So the CDC  has no director in the midst of a flu epidemic that is killing children and turning hospitals into MASH units.

As of tomorrow, FEMA will cease operations in Puerto Rico, where thousands of people in the rural mountainous areas are still without electricity and safe water.  Because -- get this -- giving out food and water is actually hurting the economy.  If these layabouts get everything free, they won't shop at supermarkets, according to the local FEMA director Alejandro de la Campa.  They spend their money on gasoline to run their generators to keep their refrigerators on.  If they have any money, because many are still out of work.  If they have generators.  Anyway, five months after Hurricane Harvey, FEMA is still in Texas because...well, hell, it's Texas.  Swimmin' pools.  Movie stars.  Electoral votes.

The DACA people who endured last night's love-in weren't arrested at the Capitol, but they're far from secure.  The Big Bad Bald Bastard, whose blog must be read, reports that a Native American named C.J. Bakken has an intriguing proposition:  Welcome these people onto the reservations (most are from Central America and Mexico and have some aboriginal ancestry), and grant them tribal membership in return for the right to tax their income.  Knowing how much Trump hates redskins, it could have the added benefit of making his head explode.

The White House Charm School had some advice for Nancy Pelosi:   "I think she should smile a lot more often.  I think the country would be better for it," said Mrs. Congeniality, Sarah Hockeypuck Sanders.  Then she went back to scowling at April Ryan, who is really uppity and should be home doing Miz Sarah's laundry.  It's not the done thing to comment on people's appearance, but when they hire a makeup artist at public expense, that makes their appearance fair game.  If anyone needs a gay friend who isn't colorblind and will take her clothes shopping, it's Sarah.  Someone who will say things like "Uh-uh, you want to cover up those elephant knees.  Two words, honey -- pants suit."  Stereotype?  Sure.  Sue me.  Yeah, Pelosi needs to smile and Hillary should learn to knit.

At least one public interest group wants Paul Ryan to explain why Trump was allowed to use his speech as a fundraiser.  Just when you thought we couldn't be any more embarrassed, the Trumpanzees were told that for the low low price of $35 they could see their names on the Trump 2020 campaign website.  No response from Ryan, who is preoccupied with the "cleansing" (his word) of all those hostile elements at the FBI.  My word, not to mention Stalin's, would be "purge."  I'm no big fan of what I grew up knowing as Hoover's Gestapo, but they've cleaned up their act and done some good work since the old bastard died, and they certainly don't deserve to be undermined by this confederacy of dunces.  Ironically, if Comey hadn't decided to make a late sortie against Hillary and her emails, he'd probably still be director and none of this shit would be flying.  I'm so sick of irony.

What could be worse than Ryan? you ask.  How about Paul Nehlen, who is primarying him?  Nehlen is the darling of Stormfront and recently treated us to a list of 74 Jews who have "attacked" him on the social media.  (Some have said, echoing Chaplin, that they aren't Jewish but will take the honor.)  It's never good when they start making lists.

In Russia news, Sergei Naryshkin, Putin's head spy, is paying us a visit.  Well, not all of us, but he dropped in on Dan Coats, the Director of National Intelligence.  Naryshkin was banned in 2014 over the invasion of Ukraine, but all is forgiven now.  I guess you heard, Trump is theirs again.

Stupid redux:  Kathleen Hartnett White has been re-nominated to be head of the White House Council on Environmental Quality.  The committee rejected her the first time, unimpressed by her theory that carbon dioxide is "the gas of life" (certainly true if you're a green plant) and therefore can only be a force for good in the atmosphere.  I'm not sure where she stands on the flat-versus-round earth controversy, but second time's the charm.

Trainload of Republiklan Congressmen hits garbage truck.  I think I'll leave that to The Onion,which gave us "World's Largest Metaphor Collides With Iceberg."


Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Are you ready for some covfefe?

As the minutes tick down -- literally, CNN has one of those idiot countdown clocks on the screen -- the crazy accelerates.

LOCK 'IM UP!  According to fellow crewmen, President Queeg continues to ricochet between the childish hope that Robert Mueller will hand him a lollipop and a "no collusion" clean bill of health, and snarling rage at the likelihood of further indictments and guilty pleas.  "Sources" (take that as you please) say he will order Three-Fifths-of-a-Man Sessions to find some pretext for charging Mueller with bigly crimes of one kind or another, since he doesn't have anything like the guts to fire him.  For decades Trump ran his skeevy businesses on a foundation of lawsuits, real and threatened, and now he imagines he can make "my guys" in the Department of Justice indict people just as easily.  Criminal charges, however, require evidence, and that could be scarce with most of the FBI willing to see him drawn and quartered first.  We are fortunate that Trump is too stupid to keep from stepping on his own rake.

"'CAUSE I'M A DENTIST...AND A DISGRACE!"  A number of Congress members are bringing guests to the State Opening of Parliament of the Uniom tonight, undocumented aliens whose fate hangs in the balance of Trump's senile whims.  And Rep. Paul Gosar, (R-AZ), DDS, is pissed.  He wants them arrested for being all illegal in the royal presence.   (Really.  His Twitter account admits he's a dentist.)  Unlike the very fine people who threaten to kill reporters, they're apparently dangerous and probably terrorists.  Rep. Emanuel Cleaver II (D-MO), on the other hand, is not doing the plus-one, as he says he wouldn't "subject" a guest to it.  Lots of no-shows, too, may want to  line up some seat-fillers so it doesn't look as sad as the inauguration.

"TRUMP IS OURS AGAIN!"  A Russian anchor on a Russian news program on Russian television actually said that after Trump refused to enforce the newest sanctions on Russia passed by Congress.  Say this for them, they're not subtle.  Why should they be?  A day earlier, Putin's principal opponent in the March "election," Alexei Navalny, was lock-him-up'ed on a Moscow street.  And poor Donny could only look on and wait for the day ( assuming Fox covered it).  He's been heard musing that another 9/11-type attack could bring him the popularity -- and dictatorial power -- he craves.  (I keep hearing Angela Lansbury plotting the presidential nominee's murder in The Manchurian Candidate.)

STIR CRAZY?  I'm no expert at this computer stuff, it's all I can do to copy and paste a picture, but I don't run a Rightzi website.  A woman in Texas created a fake Sean Hannity account and quickly snagged a big, pale fish -- Julian Assange, promising Sean dirt on Sen. Mark Warner, ranking Democrat on the Intelligence Committee.  Is his face red!  Well, vaguely pinkish.    I think the perfidious albino needs some Vitamin D.  The Texas lady would be a late contender for Nasty Woman of the Month, had we not already decided on...

NANCY SPECTOR, chief curator of the Guggenheim Museum in New York City.  She did it with wit, panache, and a solid-gold toilet.  Now, if I did it right, here she is:

Image result for nancy spector