Tuesday, October 15, 2019

The porn is as high as the elephant's eye

Over the weekend, some lucky donors at the Trump Bedbug Palace in Miami were treated to an artificial video in which Dear Leader, his bone spurs miraculously cured, shoots his media and political enemies (and by extension, the Enemies of the People) in the style of some spy movie I haven't seen, and in a church.  This is what Republicans need before they can achieve orgasm in 2019.  The people who made it have lost a contract to do something similar, I suppose, for the Bernie Sanders campaign.  Why do Democrats hate free speech?

Sometimes you have to be able to read the signs.  Columbus Day must have been replaced by Indigenous Peoples Day, because the Trumpites used the occasion to greet Elizabeth Warren with their "Pocahontas" slur.  In what almost seems a coordinated action, the UK's Daily Mail recognized her front-runner status by accusing her of stealing some recipe years ago.  Interesting, huh?  The Mail is a racist rag which swoons hourly over Prime Minister BloJo, first cousin of the Mail On Sunday which is being sued by Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.  A recipe?  I'll bet she dyes her hair, too.

Hey, Donzo!  Look who won the Nobel Peace Prize!  Not you!  Abiy Ahmed Ali, prime minister of the "shithole country" of Ethiopia.  It's in Africa, Donzo, like Gambia and Zambia and Nambia.  To reiterate:  NOT YOU.

We now know her name.  Atatiana Jefferson was gunned down in her bedroom during a wellness check by Officer Aaron Dean.  The Ft. Worth police promptly released a bodycam photo of a handgun somewhere in the house.  This is Texas -- it wouldn't matter if she had had a grenade launcher.  Dean quit before he could be fired and is free on bail (like Amber Guyger) though charged with murder.  The lights were on, the screen door was shut -- I'm going to speculate that it was a hot, humid night -- and Jefferson was playing video games with her eight-year-old nephew.  Nothing puts a law officer in fear for his life like a black woman and a black second-grader armed with the latest edition of Dungeons & Dragons.

During marathon testimony before Congress, Fiona Hill quoted John Bolton as saying, "Giuliani is a hand grenade who's going to blow everybody up."  And that's your job, right, Bolton?  Trouble in paradise.  Hill was the NSC's senior director for Europe and Russia, and the House is fascinated by how the hand grenade got the ambassador to Ukraine fired because she wouldn't take part in Operation Biden.  Mob lawyers used to be a lot smarter.

As expected, the atrocities have begun in the Turkish invasion of Syria.  The general secretary of the Future Syria party, Kurdish politician Hevrin Khalaf, was "neutralized," as the Turkish government says, along with eight other unarmed civilians on Saturday.  It is not clear if she was raped, stoned and/or beheaded, but who cares?  According to Erdogan's orange-faced enabler, a few sanctions will soon stop the onslaught, so let's pay attention to the real crisis:  WALL!  Besides, Liz "Spawn of" Cheney (R-WY) says it's all the fault of Schiff and Pelosi and their giant witch hoax impeachment.  And yeah, the Russian air force got a tad too eager and bombed a couple of hospitals, but soon Mike Pence will go to Syria and make sure the Christians are OK.  OK?

US forces abandoned their base in Manbij, Syria, so fast, they left a lot of cool stuff behind.  Enjoy some video of Russian mercenaries trying on the CO's slippers and smoking his cigars.  Is this kind of fuckery supposed to happen?  We have no video of British troops in the 1812 White House eating Dolley Madison's dinner, so...





Monday, October 14, 2019

Holiday guest editorial


Discuss.  I'm off.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Wellness check

Do not call the Ft. Worth police if you notice that your neighbor's door is ajar.  Unless she is white.  Do Texas police get any kind of training, or are they just shown all the Death Wish movies?

Today in puppet news:  It looks as if the 1993 Open Skies Treaty will be torn up on orders from Moscow.  The regime is hoping that the impeachment and the betrayal of the Kurds will distract everyone from one more outrage.

In a time of torchlight parades, concentration camps and synagogue shootings, it was inevitable that books would be burned.  Congratulations to Georgia Southern University for being the first.  Go Eagles.

If Elizabeth Warren becomes president, a lot of people will go into physical shock, as when a starving person gorges on chocolate until he dies.  Not only is she astonishingly smart, she's also funny and she doesn't care who knows it.  Real humor, ladies and gentlemen, not feeble taunts and playground nicknames.  At the LGBTQ forum on Thursday she was the star of the show, responding to that gotcha question that if you believe marriage involves one man and one woman, "Then just marry one woman...assuming you can find one."  Thank you, Los Angeles!  And really, there is no other answer; all she added was the Jack Benny timing.  When someone speaking for the superstitious tries to corner her on choice she should respond, "If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one."  Don't tell me what you believe and I won't tell you what I believe, and we'll get along fine.

Evangelical koan:  What could separate a lying, treasonous adulterer from his adoring disciples?  Why, abandoning Syria, with its significant Christian minority, to a rejuvenated Islamic State.  The faith-based have joined farmers, workers and many others in the dawning realization that they have been well and truly punked, and it couldn't happen to a more deserving bunch.  It's a while since I read the New Testament, but I distinctly remember a story about a guy who got mugged and left by the side of the road.  None of his own people would help, and he would have died there had not a despised Samaritan come along.  I think the storyteller meant that we're all supposed to help one another, not just people who look like us or share our beliefs.  Maybe the Prosperity Gospel crowd has a different testament.  They don't seem too interested in all those (probable) Catholics in the ICEstapo camps, either.

But they will baptize your ass with extreme prejudice.













Friday, October 11, 2019

So many questions

Why would Pacific Gas and Electric assume that depriving about a million Californians of electricity would prevent wildfires?  When the power goes off, people without generators resort to nineteenth-century forms of illumination like candles, or fire up the barbecue to cook their meat before it spoils.  And the state is on fire anyway.   PG&E assumes it can't be sued, and that's what counts.

Why did Trump and Giuliani ask Rex Tillerson to pressure the Justice Department to drop a money-laundering investigation into Reza Zarrab, a gold-trader and Giuliani client suspected of evading sanctions on Iran?  Wouldn't it make more sense, even to these two numbnuts, to strongarm Jeff Sessions?  If they did, and he told them to kiss both sides of his ass, I may have to revise my opinion of Sessions about .006 percent upward.

Why don't we have morning zoo guys as funny as Lexus and Vovan (real names Alexei Stolyarov and Vladimir Kuzetsov)?  They called Lindsey Graham pretending to be the Turkish defense minister and got him to call the Kurds a "threat" to Turkey.  He also implicated Trump in the Zarrab case.  Clearly Lindsey's ready to lead his master's defense in the Senate.

Why, months after Peter Strzok left the FBI, is Trump still obsessed with his relationship with Lisa Page?  Is there no one who will tell him this is exposing-yourself-at-the-playground-level creepy?

Why does Deutsche Bank not have Trump's tax returns?  Any legit bank wants to see your tax returns before they'll give you a car loan, but a handshake is enough for this serial bankrupt?

With all due respect to Preet Bharara, why should I give a tin-plated fart what George Conway thinks about anything?  His own wife doesn't care.

Do Marsha Blackburn and Jodi Ernst get their hair cut at the (taxpayer subsidized) Senate Hair Care Services barber shop?  I ask because some intrepid girl reporter from the Moonie Times thinks Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should, just like the rest of the guys.  Instead of that, she went to a private salon, spent her own money and even left a tip, and was not a bitch to the people who work there.  Her sentence was to be compared to Eva Peron, or Eva Gabor, or one of those other foreign tarts.  As if on cue, Trey Gowdy emerged from seclusion to remind us why no one should patronize government barbers, no matter how cheap:Trump says Gowdy can't join his legal team 'for a couple months'














Thursday, October 10, 2019

Fun with the First Amendment

So many people are having their free speech stolen right out of their mouths, it's a disgrace.

The St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Atlanta Braves 13-1 yesterday.  You might think that was because of the six earned runs Mike Foltynewicz gave up in the first inning and the Braves' lack of hitting thereafter.  You would be wrong.  It happened because the liberal socialist PC police have discouraged fans from performing their tomahawk chop with accompanying "war chant."  Apparently some people consider it racist, like the red-face team logo.  Political correctness gone mad.  Next thing you know they won't let some C-list celebrity sing the national anthem.

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI), who is theoretically running for president, says she may boycott the next primary debate on Tuesday to protest the DNC-media conspiracy against her.  She is polling at 0.5 percent, so I would like the party to explain how the hell she was invited at all.  Please show your work.  Rep. Gabbard is best known for being a Bashar al-Assad booster, so it might have been fun to hear her talk about that.

Mayor Jacob Frey of Minnianapolis, as Trump pronounces it, tried to deprive the Dear Leader of his right to free speech, as if anyone could.  He wanted the city reimbursed for the expense of a campaign event, instead of acknowledging what an honor it was.   It's now clear that there was plenty of speech between Trump and Erdogan -- one could almost call it a plot -- and the bombing began before the Kurds even had time to get their children out of danger.  The word "genocide" is being used more and more.  That double-stuff Trump Tower in Istanbul came at a high price in blood, but it's only the blood of Muslims.  Where were they during the Tet Offensive?

One vanity candidate ends his campaign, another pops up.  It's like Wack-a-Billionaire.  Hardly had Howard Schultz returned to whatever he does post-Starbucks than Tom Steyer began running commercials about all the great stuff he'll do for the working class to save them (and his own bankroll) from the sinister plans Elizabeth Warren has for them, like taxes on the rich and health care for the rest.  Steyer was an early proponent of impeaching the motherfucker, so in a sense the country has caught up with him.  He can afford a lot of free speech, especially the kind you buy from TV stations.





 

Wednesday, October 09, 2019

Many men will run away

I seem to remember that last June the leaders of several Western democracies and Donald Trump gathered in Normandy to commemorate the seventy-fifth anniversary of the Allied invasion.   Trump hates any event where he has to share the spotlight with real leaders, so he spent most of his time spewing abuse at Nancy Pelosi.  I can't remember how she had chafed his enormous ass that week; it hardly matters.  The adults signed a D-Day Proclamation at the bottom, while Trump's imbecilic scrawl appears at the top.  This is how he honored the Americans buried behind the beachhead.

Trump has no idea when the Second World War occurred, or why, or why it matters, but the single word Normandy lodged among the spirochetes in his very good brain.  Today, as Turkey and its Russian supporters unleashed hell on the Kurds in Syria, he explained that we don't owe them a thing because -- I swear -- "they didn't help us with Normandy."  Once again, he was right to pull out US forces because he is never wrong.  He asked President Erdogan to take it easy.  Not his job to tell other countries what to do, unless they might have something he can use to shit on a Democrat, or Ivanka, Inc., needs another sweatshop.

Only last night Lindsey Graham was all puffed up, declaring that Congress will just about sanction the daylights out of Turkey if they persist.  After sleeping on it, Senator Purtymouth decided that his Republican colleagues should be forced to sign a loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.  Lindsey, if they have to sign an oath, it sounds like Moscow Mitch is not really in control of things.  Was it that mean old Mitt Romney who upset you?  Did you lose your list of nerfball questions for Giuliani?  Have a lie-down in the hammock, honey, this is only going to get worse.

Now let me see...who benefits the most from NATO infighting?  What a lovely birthday present for Putin.  For Christmas, maybe we could sell him Alaska at the 1863 price.  When you start selling people out, it's hard to stop.



 

Tuesday, October 08, 2019

Anonymous redux

Remember the anonymous op-ed?  In the New York Times?  September 5, 2018?  "I am part of the resistance inside the Trump White House," etc.  Despite feverish speculation and even more feverish in-house investigation, the author was never identified.  A year later the stakes are much higher -- half the country supports impeachment, according to the latest poll -- and the Great and Powerful Trump is more obsessed every hour with unmasking and punishing the individual known as the Whistleblower.  He wants polygraph testing on everybody in sight.  If that doesn't work, maybe waterboarding.  America has experts in both techniques.  Too bad they're equally useless in getting at the truth.

Then the 38-year-old mayor of Minneapolis got fresh with Dear Leader, demanding that the Trump campaign pony up $500,000 to cover the cost of security for this week's hatenanny.  In order of mounting dementia he was denounced as a "lightweight," a "liberal" and a member of the "radical left" (I don't do Twitter, by now he could be a Bolshevik).  His response:  "Yawn.  Welcome to Minneapolis where we pay our bills, we govern with integrity, and we love all of our neighbors."  Translation:  Stay home, short-fingered vulgarian.  We know about all the other cities you've stiffed on police overtime and venue fumigation.

More bad news:  "China has long pursued the policy of non-interference in the internal affairs of other countries.  We have no intention of intervening in the internal affairs of the United States," said Geng Shuang, spokesman for the Chinese foreign ministry.  So no Biden dirt for you even if we had some, he meant.  Oh, and don't let your private citizens comment on the violence in Hong Kong, if you want the National Basketball League to keep making money here.  The general manager of the Houston Rockets, Daryl Morey, had tweeted support for the demonstrators; either the team or the league made him delete it.  Eight hundred million viewers is a lot of eyeballs to sell to advertisers.

Don't put the truth serum away just yet -- more backtalk from the National Security Council.  No spine?  Got "rolled" by Turkey?  How many NSC officials does Soros have on his payroll?  How do you expect Trump to keep his Enemies List up to date if you insist on anonymity?  Very very unfair.  It's simply not true that he got nothing:  there are two Trump Towers in Istanbul.  The same anonymous NSC official says the US should support creation of a Kurdish state, adding, "It would be another Israel in the region."  But would they call their capital Ivankastan?

When you see this picture -- the cheesy grin, the Taco Bell version of Mexican food -- your impulse is to change the page rapidly.  A hero who didn't spotted a stockpile of Sudafed in a handy drawer, enough to induce hallucinations and insomnia in an entire division.  At the very least it's a drug law violation.   At most, paranoid psychosis.  Sleep well.  He doesn't.

Did Moscow Mitch get his wife Elaine Chao a cabinet job so she could direct millions of federal dollars to Kentucky?  It would be irresponsible to say so, wouldn't it?  So I'll let Business Insider do it for me.

If you need a laugh, just search the words Florida Man.  Here's quintessential FM Matt Gaetz explaining that "kangaroo courts" were invented by Captain Kangaroo.  Right after Bunny Rabbit was indicted for insider trading.