Anglo-Saxon gratitude

It's not enough to act like a racist, talk like a racist, encourage racism in others and generally damage as many people as you can.  Those you slander, belittle and lie about must also be grateful.

Self-board-certified ophthalmologist and locally-hated neighbor Rand Paul has taken over the job of trashing Ilhan Omar, leaving totally-not-racist Trump more time to trash Elijah Cummings, Al Sharpton and Baltimore.  Paul whined that "we" fed and clothed Omar when she was brought here at age ten, and she repays "us" by dumping on America.  Paul has never been to Somalia but he knows what's wrong with it -- no capitalism and no "God-given rights guaranteed in a constitution" -- and he's willing to send her there so she'll be properly grateful to the United States, assuming he lets her back in some day.   Omar -- and as a world-class grouch may I say I admire her sense of humor -- responded by quoting Tom Arnold to the effect that he understood why the guy next door decided he had to cold-cock Paul.  (He went to jail.  It was probably worth it.)  This naturally set off more whining.  Now the scary Muslim is threatening a senator's life!  Should we send her back, lock her
up, or just kill her (as several Louisiana law enforcement officers proposed doing last week)?

Meanwhile, Trump has been busy earning gratitude.  He reports, "The African-American community is so thankful.  They've called me and said finally someone is telling the truth."  Baltimore is indeed a shithole, largely because of absentee slumlords like Jared Kushner.  If only there was someone at the Department of Housing and Urban Development who grew up in the projects and was in a position to improve the housing of...what?  Who?  Never mind.  The important thing is the gratitude finally being lavished on the most harassed president of all time.  They also love that he's working night and day to free A$AP Rocky, who is apparently a hip-hop artiste languishing in a Swedish dungeon on an assault charge.  (Normally the American ambassador to Sweden would deal with this, but Trump never got around to appointing one.  It's a shithole country, they don't even rake their forests.)

Now if those people in Flint would stop complaining about their poisoned water.  They should be grateful to have indoor plumbing.



 







 

Black moon

It just means a month with two new (i.e. unilluminated) moons, but it sounds like the title of a Gil Scott-Heron album.  Anyway, July is almost over, which is fine with me.  And so, unfinished business and a clean slate for Lughnasadh (Lammas if you must):

An outfit calling itself Students For Trump has proudly unveiled its spokesman:  O.J. Simpson.  No comment because, well, really.

Marco Rubio has taken to posting daily biblical quotations to his Twitter account.  Soon he will quit the Senate and go to work in the poorest section of Miami, where he will convince his biggest donors to fund a free clinic, food pantries, after-school programs for the kids, maybe a baseball team...sorry, just kidding, he'll still be an asshole but with more fundagelicals giving him money.

Unless you read the Irish Times you probably don't know about Keith Byrne, the token white man scooped up in the recent ICEstapo raids.  Mr. Byrne came here twelve years ago on the Visa Waiver Program, started a business, married an American and now has three children.  He was working his way through the convoluted process of becoming a citizen when he made the mistake of reporting an old arrest in Ireland for cannabis possession.  So the jackboots knew just where to find him during the big July 10 raid, which netted just 34 other "illegals" because Putin's puppet couldn't keep from bragging about it in advance.  After two weeks he was released because he has a good lawyer and speaks English, and people in two countries were on his case.  Happy ending, for now, and congratulations to Mr. Byrne.

It's a little disturbing to watch The Weather Channel scan the Atlantic for signs of any little thundercloud with hurricane potential.  I know it's their business and devastation is good for ratings, but maybe they could remember lives are at stake, not to mention homes, businesses, animals, crops, and potentially millions of public dollars.  They're just a little too excited at the prospect of another Katrina, Sandy or Maria, at record rainfall, highest-ever wind velocity, and video of rooftop rescues and collapsing levees.  This morning they spotted a small depression off the African coast and they're already picking out names and decorating the nursery, so to speak.  It's not attractive.

Puerto Rico is still trying to recover from Hurricane Maria, but in some ways it's doing much better than we are.  When leaked chat logs revealed their governor to be not just corrupt but also racist, misogynist and homophobic -- imagine, a Republican! -- thousands of people took to the streets of San Juan and stayed there until the legislature reluctantly opened impeachment proceedings.  They sang, they chanted, they posted under #RickyRenuncia, and finally, Rossello did indeed resign.  As the gassier pundits like to say, the system worked.  I've been trying to remember the name of the politician who said something like, "There go the people.  Shit, I'd better rush over there and 'lead' them."  Nancy?  Chuck?  I'm bad with names.

Breaking news:  Ronald Reagan was a racist.  

It's my blog...

...and I'll rave if I want to.  Or need to.  You can vent, or you can explode, so I choose to blow off steam.  Of course, as Groucho once told the audience when one of Chico's musical numbers was imminent, "There's no reason you shouldn't go into the lobby until this blows over."

No?  Well, you were warned.

I tried to stave off the explosion of my cortex by pulling out the funniest book ever crowd-sourced, They Call Me Naughty Lola, Personal Ads From the London Review of Books.  And it worked, for a while.  Typical entry:  "This column reads like a list of X-File character rejects.  Woman, 34, able to bi-locate and start fires with the power of her pre-menstrual tension.  Seeks human/Jovian hybrid with whom to start genetic processing plant (Bicester).  Must have own car.  Box no. 5258."  I subscribed to the LRB on the basis of this book, but they don't even carry personal ads anymore, and the magazine shows up sealed in an annoying plastic bag, so I got angry all over again.  But the British are staggeringly articulate, aren't they?

Oh, TCM, what happened?  Do you want to show the classics, or do you want to sell wine and coffee mugs and bus tours of Los Angeles and New York?  (San Francisco, there's your movie city.)  Somebody is working hard to come up with themes -- cheesy monster day, divorce day, chain-gang day.  Today it's priests, can you believe it, like Fighting Father Dunne, a shameless Boys Town ripoff with Pat O'Brien ladling on the sanctimony instead of Spencer Tracy.  You absolutely could not make a movie about a Catholic priest and a bunch of little boys today.  Which is good for the movies but bad for a lot of men who still have nightmares.  Also, I know it was a conscious decision to turn Saturday mornings over to the kind of stuff theaters showed in the 1940s (Tarzan, Bowery Boys, shorts, forgotten serials), but think of the rest of us.  We'll talk again.  Thanks for finally getting around to Albert Finney, by the way.  At this rate, you'll be memorializing Rip Torn around Thanksgiving.  (The Cincinnati Kid, Cross Creek, Defending Your Life.  Programmed it for you.)

I dreamed I was in a department store buying sheets and the salesman was Richard Nixon.  Interpretation invited, if not necessarily welcomed.

In the latest dispatch from Cloud-Cuckoo-Land, it seems that after Barack Obama planted those "wire tapps" in Trump Tower, he buggered up the White House air conditioning so it never works right.   Always too hot or too cold, whines President Hormonal.  This bunch took weeks to master turning on the lights in the West Wing, so two-and-a-half years without figuring out the thermostat sounds about right.  Also, why doesn't somebody investigate the book contract said to be worth more than $60 million to the Obamas?  Must be something illegal about two black people being paid a lot to write books.

Well, publishers pay advances to authors in the expectation of earning the money back, and then some.  Michelle Obama's Becoming has been at or near the top of the Amazon list since November, which means Crown Publishing has done very well.  Barack Obama's first book, Dreams From My Father, written while he was barely known outside Illinois, sold well enough for him to buy a nice house in Chicago; Crown must have figured on his presidential memoir selling even better.  That's how publishing works.  (Calvin Trillin once proposed that the advance on a novel he was writing at least equal the cost of the lunch at which they discussed it.  "Unrealistic," said his publisher.)
Crown is in "business" to make "money" without having to take refuge in America's super-generous "bankruptcy laws."  Understand?  Never mind, tell Ivanka to get out the sock-puppets and explain it without all the big words.  If she needs a prop, there's a copy of The Pet Goat in the White House library.

Jeez, the Gilroy Garlic Festival?  A six-year-old?  And almost all the victims Latino?  Mark me amazed and leave me in the lost-and-found.  If they ever stop babbling about tonight's Democratic Jeopardy Tournament we'll probably hear that the killer's manifesto has surfaced and he hated brown people/women/LGBTQ/the onion genus.  Then we'll hear that Gilroy is a rat- and rodent-infested shithole where nobody wants to live and it's Obama's fault.

Danielle Stella has come forward to save the Minnesota 5th from the satanic Ilhan Omar.  Danielle's hobbies include shoplifting and forwarding QAnon* conspiracy theories.  Danielle can be identified by the large cross she wears around her neck so as not to be confused with a Muslim.  Muslims are grateful.

Boris Johnson, the new prime minister of "the United Kingston," has a friend called Darius Guppy.  They once conspired/chatted amiably about having a News of the World reporter beaten up.  Well, who hasn't wanted to do that?  Now if only I could stop visualizing the two of them dining with Mr. Toad at Toad Hall.


*This is wrong.  QAnon should be the support group for people who are addicted to idiot conspiracies and want to get better.  Let's call the nutters QNation.  QPlanet?

Which side are you on?

A church in Tennessee is refusing to hold a funeral for one of its members if his gay son attends.

Right-wing thugs attacked a gay pride parade in Bialystok, Poland.

A ceremony in Berlin memorialized thousands of homosexuals killed by the Nazis.

The war is finally over.  The bad guys won.

Signed, sealed, delivered, owned

This is the seal that was displayed behind El Pendejo as he harangued a crowd of Trumpenjugend.  We call your attention to the golf clubs, the double-headed Imperial Russian eagle, and the motto "45 es un titere" ("45 is a puppet").  The person responsible has already been liquidated fired.

It's Thursday.  We all need a laugh.

ITMFA

Straws in the wind, water, landfill...

"Never give a sucker an even break."  -- Otis Criblecoblis

Always alert to an opportunity to foul the earth and make money, the Committee to Re-elect the Putin-puppet has begun selling plastic drinking straws.  There's a logic to it -- Republicans like Trump and Rubio are demonstrably bad at drinking from a bottle or glass in the traditional way.  The price is an eye-opener -- $15 for a box of ten -- but the real intent is to raise a middle finger to all those leftists who want to re-introduce the paper straw as a way of slowing the planetary garbage accumulation.  Already the Pacific Ocean contains a vortex of plastic crap visible from the space station and no one has figured out how to get rid of it.  Tree-huggers like Alaska Airlines, the Bon Appetit food chain, AT&T Park in San Francisco and Vassar College have banned plastic straws, as has Trump's leftist friend Queen Elizabeth II (from the royal estates, cafes and gift shops).  A number of states and municipalities are considering legislation, too.

But CREEPP has a good sense of its Trumpanzees and how much money they're inclined to waste.  These are people who bought Nike merchandise and then burned it, just to show what they think of Colin Kaepernick.  So why not a $1.50 drinking straw with TRUMP stamped on it?  Use it once and throw it away, or be mistaken for a lib, am I right?  And for those who have actually benefited from the Ryan tax "reforms," I foresee the ten-dollar swizzle stick, the fifty-dollar Styrofoam plate, the thousand-dollar thermos (pour your Diet Coke out of Nancy Pelosi's mouth -- hours of hilarity!).  For only $250,000 a golf ball from the Trump International Splendid Exclusive Championship Country Club, autographed by "your favorite president," will be inserted in the blow-hole of a whale, causing it to suffocate and die.  Operators are standing by.

And while you suck on your straw, I'll be thinking of the boy interviewed on last night's news, an inmate of a Trump concentration camp.  He and his friends had no straws and no cups and no soap to wash their hands, but thirst drove them to scoop water from a faucet and drink it as well as they could.  America is officially great again.

United Kingston!

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything.  So girls have long been taught.  Which is why, when repeatedly asked about First Escort Melania, Anna Wintour repeatedly expressed admiration for Michelle Obama.  Then she praised Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand and Kamala Harris.  She stopped short of mentioning The Squad, but I think the point is made.  She's a nasty woman, many people are saying so, and Vogue will soon go out of business like the failing New York Times.  (Even his tweets are predictable.)

This is delightful.  Remember Mike Pence's aborted, uh, abruptly cancelled trip to New Hampshire earlier this month?  On his way to make a speech about the opioid crisis and why Jared Kushner hasn't fixed it yet?  He would have made shake-hands with former New York Giant Jeff Hatch, who works for one of these for-profit drug treatment places, giving inspirational talks about his own struggle with addiction.  Worked, rather, because Hatch was hours away from pleading guilty to moving $100,000 worth of Fentanyl across the state line into Massachusetts.  He'll pay a hefty fine and may serve four years in prison, which is no Acosta/Epstein sentence but a lot less than non-famous people get.  Not good optics, as they say, for Holy Mike.

Trump is now accusing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of conspiring to keep the great Jeff Bezos from opening a giant facility in New York, depriving that shithole wonderful city of millions of jobs.  Also she is not very bright, being Latina and given to dancing on roofs.  I guess he's no longer demanding that Amazon pay the postal service more, and is a devoted reader of Bezos's Washington Post.  These unwhite women are "So bad for our Country."  They are also destroying the "Democrat party," which causes him to grieve bigly.  Consistency is not for stable geniuses, especially around sundown.

And he can totally obliterate Afghanistan.  He must think it's the size of Queens.

Cunning Adam Schiff has scheduled Robert Mueller's testimony tomorrow at 8:30 am, long before Trump wakes up.  The rest of the Intelligence Committee are waiting for their interns to finish reading the report and write them a two-page summary.  I wish I had had an intern when I was forced to take Economics 101.

Britons never, never, never....

Somewhere in central London, a nonagenarian awoke and thought, "I came in with Churchill, and I'll probably go out with this yobbo."  Then she reached for the bell and ordered a large gin.

Danger to others

"The government has established danger to others and to the community by clear and convincing evidence," said Judge Richard Berman (yeah, but what's his ethnicity?), in denying bail to barely-convicted kiddie-porn aficionado Jeffrey Epstein.  Which means he gets to sit in the pokey with the other alleged miscreants.  So if Epstein has evidence about others, like his former friend the laird of Mer-a-Lago, he should probably cut a deal before he gets shanked in the lunch line.

That was the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York.  Elsewhere, the Barr Justice Department was not so astute, deciding just as the statute of limitations expired that Daniel Pantaleo will not face federal charges in the murder of Eric Garner.  Demonstrators have promised to stay in front of the NYPD officer's house until he is indicted because NO JUSTICE NO PEACE.

Gravely ill first responders to the 9/11 attack will have to wait longer for relief.  The House approved a funding bill 402-12, but then it struck an iceberg called Rand Paul, who is unwilling to -- wait for it -- add to the national debt.  Besides, he's busy setting up a super-secret back channel to Iran to try and undo some of the damage caused by Trump.  With Trump's permission, because no courageous Libertarian would blow his nose without consulting the Stable Genius.

Marine One is the designation of the helicopter Trump stands next to so he can scream at reporters and ignore the impertinent ones; then it has to carry his fat ass to the airport.  A new Marine One was tested today and scorched the White House lawn.  It's going back to the Acme Helicopter Company for re-fitting, because something something safety security lowest bidder something.

Apparently Trump's senility is becoming more advanced, because his racist rants now have to be programmed into the Teleprompter.  This is like Mick forgetting the words to "Start Me Up."  Also, he's getting more deranged, if possible, accusing Rep. Ilhan Omar of marrying her brother.  Probably Hillary came to the reception and they ate baby parts.

And as with the Stones, the newer stuff is not always well received.  Some fans called in head roadie Mike Pence to complain that the racism of "send her back" is a little too pronounced, while Meghan McCain pouted that Trump is making it harder for her to spread the right-wing gospel.  Did you know her father was John McCain?  So Trump is denying he stuck out his chins and basked in the rage on Wednesday night -- the fake media and their fake video again -- and sort of regrets that the mob took him seriously about how Ilhan Omar hates America and Jews and Israel and is more or less an al-Qaeda calendar girl.  How could the wonderful people of North Carolina have misconstrued him so badly?  You'll never guess who bought his half-step back:

  "Donald Trump rarely admits a mistake, much less an overstatement, so we'll take the regret
   he expressed Thursday at the chant of 'send her back' as the moral equivalent of an apology.
   Let's hope his supporters get the message and that Mr. Trump stops egging them on."

Yes, Wall Street Journal, I'm sure they got the message.  We won't be hearing that again as he attacks Omar in one shit-tweet and one hate-rally after another.  All it does is rile up the base and encourage more death threats.  Doesn't every freshman Congresswoman have a security detail?  She's loving all the attention and so is her family.  Luckily, people in serious countries are listening, too, and taking it seriously.  Angela Merkel grew up in East Germany and knows the history of how her country all but destroyed itself by embracing racism and fascism, and when asked she said, "Without question I reject Trump's comments and stand in solidarity with the Congresswoman he targeted."

That's how you do it, Wall Street Journal.  No sympathy for the devil.  

 

Science

It seems like we never have any happy news here at the Sky Organization.  Well, how about this?

 Alan Turing, who is credited with the computer that broke the German Enigma code and helped win the Second World War, will appear on the fifty-pound note beginning in 2021.  He was chosen from a shortlist that included Ada Lovelace, Charles Babbage and Stephen Hawking.  Turing died from poison, possibly self-inflicted, after being convicted of "gross indecency" and undergoing chemical castration in 1954.  He was 41.  Britain could be the world leader in computer technology today, but decided that policing people's private lives was more important.  What can we learn from this?

Turing said, "We can see only a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done."

Hobo stew

When we finally get Medicare For All or whatever our national health service is called, there should be a provision for nationalizing Ancestry, 23andme, and the other "genomic" companies that promise to analyze your saliva and tell you who you are.  Testing is now a hobby for people with disposable income, a vague understanding of DNA and a secret hope that they're descended from royalty.  It needs to be compulsory and universal, like vaccination before the demented came out of the tall grass and began talking to Oprah.

We are a mixed breed, and we should be proud of it.  Every nation is, of course, but all our intermingling occurred in the last five hundred years, not in the mist of pre-literate time.  After tens of thousands of years' worth of hunting expeditions, invasions, migrations, pilgrimages, journeys of exploration and just getting lost, can anyone imagine there is a "pure" race anywhere on earth?  Yet this notion has been the source of much suffering, because the people who need to be confronted with the history contained in their cells are the people who would never seek it out.  Do you think David Duke wants to know his great-great-great-great grandmother came here from Senegal, shackled to the great-great-great-great-grandfather of the man who cuts his grass?  

I have always been suspicious (in Nietzsche's sense) of these companies, probably because of their silly commercials.   You know, the guy who wears lederhosen and yodels until he finds out he's really Scottish, so he acquires a kilt and some bagpipes to celebrate his breakthrough in self-knowledge.  He's truly happy now, we're supposed to think.  Ask an American what nationality she is and you'll generally get an answer like "Well, I'm one-eighth Italian and one-sixteenth Cherokee and the rest Latvian," not "I'm American."  How long will it take before we see ourselves as a nation?

Fact:  most of the stories you were told by Nana or Uncle Paulie are wrong, because they were lied to by parents who wanted to protect them in a place where it was unsafe to be Navajo or Jewish or Algerian.  Fact:  Americans have "passed" for white from the beginning, to have a chance at freedom, education, employment and decent housing.  (A daughter of Sally Hemings and Thomas Jefferson lived in Philadelphia as a white woman and nobody was the wiser.)  Fact:  the "mongrelization" that the racists dread happened long ago.  Now we need to make our peace with it, and that's where the compulsory DNA testing comes in.  And if it turns up a genetic predisposition to a disease or a birth defect, so much the better.

And the sooner the better.  Asked an inconvenient question about her boss's racism today, a White House employee demanded of the reporter, "What's your ethnicity?"  I hope he responded, "American.  What's yours?"

I have a few questions

Can someone tell me why Kim Darroch is not a candidate for prime minister of the UK?  Clearly he has more on the ball than either BloJo or Jeremy Cunt (that's what they call them, don't yell at me).   In addition to a correct character assessment of Orange Syphilis, his leaked cables informed his government that the Iran nuclear deal was destroyed because it was negotiated by Obama, and for no other reason.  European foreign ministries need people like Sir Kim, because they can't get their heads around the sheer stupidity and viciousness of the Trump regime without reliable eyewitnesses.  European political culture is designed to weed out the feeble-minded and the criminal.  They get the occasional Berlusconi (criminal) or May (feeble), but never both at once.  Lucky us.

Lindsey Graham went on a tour of one of Trump's concentration camps and he is livid that anyone could call them concentration camps.  I guess calling the guards ICEstapo is also out.  Well, fine.  Trump loves to name things after his princess, can we call them Ivanka's Gulag?  It doesn't matter what you call an atrocity.  For instance, we have to call Lindsey "Senator."

His attempt to copy the Bastille Day celebration was a five-year-old's fart joke, with much hilarity over George Washington at the airports.  Then the French unveiled their new secret weapon, a sort of flying skateboard (if only they'd had a few in 1940, the Germans would have laughed themselves into fits).  So how long before Cadet Bonespurs wants a Department of Skateboards to go along with his Space Rangers?  We cannot allow a skateboard gap!

What have we learned?

Alan Dershowitz does not like getting hand jobs from elderly Russian women, but he submits to it because Jeffrey Epstein is such a good client.  (Every lawyer dreams of a hyper-rich offender who pays his bills and keeps on offending.)  You go to a man's house, eat his food, drink his liquor, it's only polite to spend half an hour with his grandmother or whatever.  I'm sure Kenneth Starr, another of Epstein's lawyers, feels the same way, except he prays the whole time the babushka is working on him.

Bethesda Naval Hospital is a fine institution but they don't excel at plastic surgery, which is why the First Escort's kidneys don't quite match.  It's sad when a woman pushing fifty thinks she has to compete with her step-daughter, but it was her decision to have the procedure at a military hospital (and at our expense), so she has only herself to blame if Diamond and Silk are different sizes.  Now that the Navy has had its chance, maybe the Army Corps of Engineers can build her a bra.  It could be the highlight of the next Infrastructure Week.

Thousands of Americans who have yet to be convicted of anything are sitting in jail, for months or years, because they don't have a few hundred dollars for bail.  Jeffrey Epstein, convicted felon and registered sex offender, should be allowed to await trial in his Manhattan mansion because to lock him up far from his art collection would violate the equal protection the very rich are entitled to under the Constitution.  Thus argue his lawyers.  Wonderful thing, the law.

If any Big Macs and booze are left after the farewell parties for Sarah Sanders, they can be served at the Alex Acosta exit-fest.  Another of the "best people" is departing, not for malfeasance as Secretary of Labor (that we know of) but for getting Epstein the equivalent of points on his license all those years ago in Florida.  History tells us that something even worse will be appointed to his job.  Sebastian Gorka has been making himself particularly obnoxious lately, so my money is on him.

Nancy Pelosi has her hands full with the four young Congresswomen she has dubbed "the squad," with their Twitter followers and their crazy dances.  She hasn't threatened to ground them and take their phones away yet, but close.  Since they are women of color as well as choler, she has been accused of racism.  Now she's being defended by a qualified expert.  "She is not a racist, OK?  For them to call her a racist is a disgrace," said an old man who waddled out on his lawn this afternoon to yell at clouds.  Then he went back inside to resume a squabble with Paul Ryan, who has been sighing about how hard it was to deal with him.  At that point, I gave up.

Ukraine has announced plans to turn Chernobyl into a tourist attraction, sort of Disneyland with radiation badges instead of height requirements.  And really, why not?  Gettysburg is a tourist attraction.  So is Auschwitz.

Photoshop of the day

You don't need Jack Nicholson to tell you that those three female Acostas are not happy.

Maybe they know Daddy did a bad thing when he was U.S. Attorney.

Maybe they're frightened by the weird man in the orange clown makeup.

Maybe they've seen blood coming from the White House elevator.

It would be wrong to speculate.

Picking at the scab

Could we stop comparing the Trumps with the Clampitts?  (For those under 60, they were the Beverly Hillbillies of sitcom fame.)  The Clampitts were a family who went from Appalachian poverty to extreme wealth overnight.  Set down in an alien culture and subjected to ridicule and condescension, they kept their dignity and their sense of humor.  The Trumps are just slobs.

                                                                              * * * * *

Maybe next year have Melania read the textbook prose off the Teleprompter while Donzo heads up the wet tee shirt contest.  He has bigger boobs, and she knows that airports were not involved in the
War of 1812.

Fourth and down

After 67 years, MAD Magazine can no longer compete with reality.  Who can?

The way we live now

Mike "Liar Liar" Pence on Fire was flying to New Hampshire to do whatever the hell he does when he was ordered to turn around and bring his sweet ass back to Washington.  Rumors flew like, well, rumors.  Was it the Rapture?  No heaps of abandoned polyester slacks or MAGA hats, so no.  Was he urgently needed for swearing in?  (Pence always has a bible in his pocket and yes, he is also glad to see you.)  Sorry.  Why did Putin suddenly change his announced schedule?  Nothing to see here, just a fire on a Russian sub and fourteen dead sailors, domestic stuff.  Some White House spokesmodel assured the enemies of the people that it was all routine, but we know what liars they are.

Then a hashtag (hatchtag?)* suddenly surfaced on the Twitter, #RIP45, causing numerous very fine people to lose their shit.  How dare the Liberals gloat over such a tragic event?  What is wrong with these people?  Rightzi reading skills being what they are, nobody read far enough, or well enough, to grasp that the thread dealt with the sudden death of a Los Angeles Angels pitcher named Tyler Skaggs who wore Number 45.  Oh.  Never mind.

But the sightings of tanks in Washington?  Relax, it's just the traditional National Viagra Militarized Trumpananny Depends Day celebration, with extra Proud Boys.  What, you thought it was a coup?  The fireworks start right after the Tiki torch parade and book burning.



*I'm sure it's "hatchtag."  This (#) is called cross-hatching.

You're a grand old flag

Livingston, Texas, is ready for the Fourth of Ivanka (formerly July).

(Thanks to Juanita Jean's, The World's Most Dangerous Beauty Salon)