Call me in the morning

Presidential doctors always lie about the big stuff, though they are happy to share information that doesn't matter except as joke fuel (Jimmy Carter's hemorrhoids, George W. Bush's colonoscopies).  Only later did we find out that Roosevelt was in congestive heart failure and barely able to follow the discussion when he met Stalin in Yalta; that Wilson was weakened by flu during the Paris peace conference and disabled by a subsequent stroke; that Reagan nearly died of blood loss after being shot.  Kennedy's apparent "vigor" was one of history's greatest scams -- his Addison's disease, repeated venereal infections and reliance on methamphetamine were better-kept secrets than the Manhattan Project.  The line between confidentiality and national security is frustratingly hard to discern, even when the patient is not an emotionally retarded, highly contagious idiot.

So I will refrain from criticizing Trump's team of doctors, who are probably doing their best.   Sinking in every new poll and afraid of appearing weak, he checked out of Walter Reed as if it was a hotel and contemptuously ripped off his mask as soon as he got home, like a child who doesn't want to keep the Band-Aid on.  (I assume they made him sign something, to protect themselves at future hearings.)  Then he displayed himself on the Truman Balcony, wheezing as if he had run up the stairs -- see?  All better!  This resulted in unfair comparisons with Mussolini.  Sure, Il Duce was a fascist but he also improved countless lives by draining the malarial Pontine Marshes.  This clown...

No, that's unfair, too.  Clowns don't deliberately spread disease to demonstrate their manliness.  Clowns will take the occasional bucket of water or cream pie to the face if it makes children laugh.  Stop with the clown slander.  We need another term for people like Rudolph Giuliani, going on Fox News to explain that medicine is not the same as science and "you do not need that mask when you are standing at a podium."  You also don't need desert camo when you accompany the Trumps to a church for a photo-op with a Bible but there was General Milley all dressed to roll into Kabul.  The general is self-isolating, by the way, along with all the other chiefs of staff, because of covid exposure.  This is not worrying at all.  Giuliani ended the interview by coughing vigorously, so fingers crossed.  Like Christie, he attended the no-mask debate "prep" (a failure on every level).   "Nobody elected the experts,"  said Giuliani, an amazingly fatuous statement even for him.  Go with your gut.  Call Dr. Immanuel to cast out the demonic fluids.  If that doesn't work, there's always homeopathy.

As for Virus Boy, he wants us to know he feels "better than I did twenty years ago!"  That's because most of the drugs he's taking were not around twenty years ago, and some are still highly experimental.  Even Junior has noticed behavioral changes, and that was before he abruptly broke off talks about the House's relief bill until after the election.  No one can see this as anything but a bonehead move to ensure voters will blame him for denying them desperately needed cash.  Already today the Dow fell off a cliff.  By Friday we may have a currency backed by "beautiful clean coal."   He'll be going to the door every few minutes to see if the Noble Prize Patrol has arrived with the balloons and the big novelty check.  Then the steroid euphoria wears off and the extreme paranoia sets in.  

You heard the man.  Stand back and stand by.