"God love ya"

 "A papaya is a very good representation of a uterus, and you can practice on the papaya fruit."

I didn't expect to read a sentence like that when I got up this morning, but those are words that Dr. Danielle Mathisen used to President Biden to explain how medical students in Texas have to learn the abortion procedure since the state became a Margaret Atwood novel.  We live in interesting times.  "Gotcha.  God love ya," the President responded, because what else can you say to something so mad?  

"My body is my body and I don't want the government telling me what I can do with my body," a woman told Margie Greene on a call-in show.  Had she added, "And I ain't takin' no vaccine 'cause it's got a Bill Gates microchip" they would have parted as friends.  But the topic was abortion and Greene, who is 48, retorted, "Ma'am, are you having children anytime soon?  That's my question, I'm asking a legitimate question...I don't think you're having children anytime soon, so I appreciate your interest in women's rights but killing an unborn baby is not a woman's right and that's not healthcare."  And I can see through the phone that you're too old to get pregnant, Greene, 48, did not add.  Jesus told her.  She also dismissed the idea of a pregnant ten-year-old as "a very rare, rare, rare occasion."  Also from Jesus.  Greene will be 49 next May, so where does she get off preaching about "America's future"?

Let's hear from a qualified doctor, not a lady doctor like Mathisen who may or may not have children anytime soon and in any case is too emotional to think clearly.  Let's hear from Mehmet Oz:

"As a physician I've been in the room when there's some difficult conversations happening.  I don't want the federal government involved with that at all.  I want women, doctors, local political leaders, letting the democracy that's always allowed our nation to thrive to put the best ideas forward so states can decide for themselves."

A lot to unpack, huh?  Oz is a cardiothoracic surgeon, so the number of pregnancies he has consulted on is probably quite limited.  If he was "in the room" while his wife or girlfriend decided to abort I wouldn't be surprised but I wouldn't want him to violate her privacy.  Now, who are these local political leaders (my italics)?  The mayor of (let's say) Braddock, Pennsylvania?  Somebody from the school board who just voted to ban Our Bodies, Ourselves or I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings?  The traffic court judge?  Should there be three of them so they can vote?  Will the proceeding be reported in the local paper like any other government proceeding?  ("The Womb Unit voted 2-1 to allow Sandra F. to terminate her pregnancy after amniocentesis showed...")  If we're talking about Oklahoma, those two are looking at criminal prosecution and so is Sandra.  Things are getting murkier.  What if the woman's partner is a famous football player who says he will pay for the procedure?  Is that third member a proponent of Great Replacement theory who thinks white women should reproduce no matter what, Black women not at all?  Is there even a hospital within a hundred miles of this failing Rust Belt city with tumbleweed blowing through the boarded-up downtown?  We're way down the rabbit hole.

Or maybe Oz the amateur politician is just trying to neutralize the issue that is bringing people out to vote despite every obstacle the fascists can devise?  Yeah, going with that.  Abortion is "murder" but there should be no criminal penalties.  He would vote against Lindsey Graham's federal ban but is fine with leaving it up to the states.  I'm surprised Oprah didn't book him on her show to tap dance.

In other news -- and there is other news -- the Trump "campaign" has opened negotiations with Chris LaCivita of Swift Boat Veterans for Troof, which makes me wonder who they need to slander.  I see where Ron DeSantis won a Bronze Star and other medals with SEAL Team One, so Commodore Bone Spurs is probably gunning (sorry) for him.

Samuel Alito still can't find out who leaked his wonderful, perfect decision in Dobbs.  He says the leak made him and the other Opus Dei terrorists on the Court "targets for assassination."  Since almost everyone in public life has been so targeted, from Dr. Anthony Fauci to Rep. Ilhan Omar to the governor of Michigan, and since the worst consequence his mob faced was Brett Kavanaugh's interrupted steak dinner, he can shut the fuck up.  Or resign, he can always do that.

More whining from Rand Paul.  He wants Mike Franken, Iowa Democratic Senate candidate, to be disqualified because Franken joked about the injuries Paul's neighbor inflicted on him in a 2017 altercation.  "Advocacy for violence should disqualify Franken from holding ANY office," huffed Paul, who had nothing to say when Trump repeatedly told his mobs to "beat the hell" out of reporters and protesters, and was probably hiding in a closet with Ted Cruz when patriotic tourists called for the deaths of Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, etc., etc.  A little late with the kumbaya, pal.

Are there any women who haven't been pressured by Herschel Walker to undergo abortions?  Maybe we need a national registry.

In our new feature Life Imitates the Simpsons, Florida's version of Whacking Day is the annual Burmese python hunt.  This year 231 of the invasive species were caught, with teenager Matthew Concepcion the individual winner at 28.  Why is this good?  Because around the same time a 54-year-old woman named Jahrah was found to have been ingested by a python on an Indonesian rubber plantation.  

Multiculturalists are crowing that in Rishi Sunak the UK has its first prime minister of Indian heritage.  Big deal.  Ireland elected Leo Varadkar as Taoiseach five years ago, and he's also a physician and gay.  Yesterday national treasure Charlie Pierce proposed, "Let the Irish Run the UK Until the English Can Get This Omnishambles Together" and he wasn't just being snarky.  At any rate Sunak has banned new fracking, so that's good.  Eventually Joe Biden will learn to pronounce his name, if he lasts longer than Liz Truss.

In the other Georgia (the one in the Caucasus) citizens overwhelmingly support Ukraine despite the careful neutrality of their own government.  Playwright Davit Gabunia has noticed that pro-Putin Russians have no trouble crossing the border, while opponents of the war often do.  People are afraid the groundwork for a Russian invasion and occupation is being laid.  They are probably right to be.  Meanwhile thirty progressive Democrats led by Rep. Pramila Jayapan wrote to Biden urging him to push Ukraine toward "negotiations" with the Russian invaders.  Then one of them said, "Shit, we're lining up with the fascists!" and the letter was withdrawn.  Get it together, people.

Bob Woodward says he's stunned that Trump lied to his then-13-year-old son about covid.  I'm stunned that he's stunned.  Is this the same Woodward who got Mark "Deep Throat" Felt to spill the beans on Nixon?  To quote W.C. Fields in My Little Chickadee, "Time has slowed you on the draw."

Adidas, Balenciaga, Gap...Madame Tussaud's?  Yes, Ye Stinfection's wax image has been moved out of sight at the London museum, where you can still see Vlad the Impaler, Adolf Hitler and Hawley Harvey Crippen.  That leaves Netflix, which promises not to cancel its three-part documentary Jeen-Yuhs.  Netflix recently announced a third-quarter gain of 2.4 million subscribers thanks to quality offerings like Dahmer -- Monster:  The Jeffrey Dahmer Story, so why not?

God love ya.