Counting the hours

The House Select Committee on the death of democracy will gavel its long-awaited public hearing in a little less than five hours, and if it has nothing more stunning than the Proud Goys/Oaf Keepers nexus to unveil it might as well not bother.  This is being promoted like a late-spring Super Bowl and there isn't much video of rampaging Trumpanzees we haven't seen.  The absence of major indictments is puzzling, too.  If the highlight is Princess and Slumlord-in-Law lying, well, we've seen that before.  

The guilty Party has been banging the distraction drum as only they can.  A California man with a knife, a gun and a head full of suicidal thoughts was arrested near Brett Kavanaugh's house, causing Mitch McConnell to demand that Democrats hurry up and pass a bill to prevent anyone getting near a justice's home.  You didn't think he was going to suggest gun control, did you?  I thought I was cynical but Moscow Mitch wins this round.  

New York politics got distinctly goofier when Mayor Eric Adams revealed that he wears "energy stone bracelets" and gets his power from the city's bedrock and its deposits of gems and minerals.  Well, the last guy ate pizza with a fork.  Upstate the reliably creepy Carl Paladino is running for Congress and denied that he's a fan of Adolf Hitler.  Some people got this impression from a 2021 radio interview where Paladino praised the Fuhrer's oratorical skills ("the kind of leader we need today").  Now he calls it "a new low for the media," who try to make you look bad by quoting you verbatim.  As Ari Melber said to Peter Navarro, "You do realize these [January 6] investigators can hear you when you talk on TV?"  Paladino has also compared same-sex marriage to "the Holocaust" and suggested that Michelle Obama "return to being a male" and live with a gorilla in Zimbabwe.  I'd say he's more Julius Streicher than Hitler.  In other news, somebody posted a peroration on Paladino's Facebook page "just asking" if the massacres in Buffalo and Uvalde were "staged," but it wasn't him, nope, no way.  He probably regrets giving his password to his evil twin Karl, who lives in the attic.

I hope there is an archive of Dumb Republican Reasons Why Mass Shootings Happen, because I have a couple of new ones.  A Texas Congressman called Pat Fallon pinpoints "the breakdown of the family, the erosion of faith" caused by Smartphones, the only new technology of the last fifty years.  (What about Blu-Ray?  Streaming?  Those washers that play a snatch of Schubert when your clothes are done?)  Herschel Walker's response to Uvalde was, "Cain killed Abel."  Then he clarified:  "What about getting a department that can look at young men that's looking at women that looking at social media?"  Well, what about it?  I'd like to think Walker is too stupid even for Georgia voters but Margie Greene, Andrew Clyde and Earl "Cruddy" Carter say otherwise.

Another one!  Steve "Shoot Me Again, I Like It!" Scalise sees no need for gun legislation because "there wasn't a conversation about banning airplanes" after 9/11.  A small child pointed out that planes are not primarily intended for killing people, but Scalise just looked confused and hurried away.

We hear constantly about the price of gas, which goes up every hour like a Zimbabwean menu in the Mugabe years.  Infant formula remains scarce.  So why am I only now learning about the tampon shortage?  "It makes male news anchors squeamish" is not a useful answer.  Procter & Gamble, maker of Tampax, blames a commercial from two years ago featuring popular actor Amy Schumer (niece of Chuck, for conspiracy fans).  I didn't hear them complaining when the product was selling like crazy but now it's her fault she made it popular?  It's the usual problem, supply issues, but sure, blame the woman.  P & G had to scrap its lovely logo some years back because the precursors of Q spread rumors that it promoted satanism.  Well, consider them reignited.

Time to mark your cards for Distraction Bingo.  Which "what insurrection?" squirrels will Elise Stefanik deploy in her response to the show?

1.  Democrat Party nearly assassinated Kavanaugh although no shots were actually fired.

2.  Ashli Babbitt was a hero trying to stop the invasion when she was murdered dead.

3.  DUI charges against Paul Pelosi dropped!  (Lie.)

4.  CARAVANS!!

5.  Matthew McConaughey is a showboating hypocrite because he made movies where he fires guns.

6.  Did Anthony Fauci create monkey pox in a Chinese lab?  I'm just asking questions.

7.  Multiple shootings in Smithsburg, Maryland.  (Probably not.)

8.  Kyle Rittenhouse second-most persecuted, harassed person in universe.

Bring your own snacks.  The Uncle Vanya burgers taste like torture, murder and rape.

Served with a free Cherry Orchard Kola.