Selected short subjects

 Many years ago George Carlin observed, "Have you noticed that people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't fuck in the first place?"  It can't be an accident that people who believe in Replacement Theory are people who urgently need to be replaced.  Airedales will do.

What's Russian for "bone spurs"?  The Ukrainian Defense Ministry has intercepted phone calls from Russian draftees imploring their mothers to get doctors' notes excusing them from the war.  This is how we lost Vietnam -- all the he-man patriot warriors (Trump, Giuliani, Pat Buchanan, Ted Nugent, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Sylvester Stallone, Rush Limbaugh) chose to wimp out.  Max Cleland and John Kerry couldn't do it all by themselves.

I don't like the word "delusional," but when Lindsey Graham and Tim Scott look in a mirror they both see a young Brad Pitt.

I will get Melania on the cover of any magazine she wants if she will show me her diploma from Ljubljana A&M or wherever she graduated (according to her visa application).  She promised to produce it in 2017 but I guess she was too busy #BeingBest.  Well, now she has time to look for it.

Who's next?  Now that Oklahoma has decided life begins at the moment of ejaculation, what will the next red state do?  It's obvious:  ban sex between a man and woman except for the few days a month the woman is fertile.  If she still fails to get pregnant, send the police.  Any takers?  Idaho?

With all the supply-line issues and pandemic disruptions, why is there never a gun shortage?

Ask your doctor if non-stop pill commercials are right for you.  For every million dollars the pharmaceutical industry spends on advertising, how about they're required to spend a dollar on research?  For instance, maybe come up with an antidepressant that doesn't make you want to kill yourself. 

There are two kinds of fascist dictator -- the ones like Franco who make their own people miserable and die of old age, and the ones like Hitler and Putin who start wars and end up in a bunker raving about "the Jews" and hoping they can control the tremors long enough to pull the trigger.  (Pro tip, Vlad:  Use both hands.)

If your religion has the concept of "honor killing" you need to find another one.