Am I awake?

 Not only has Oceania always been at war with Eastasia, but Hong Kong was never a British colony.  So say new textbooks authorized by the Chinese government.  Also, a course designed to teach critical thinking has been replaced by one in "citizenship and social development."  The same thing would be happening in places like Texas and Florida if they had ever encouraged critical thinking in the first place.  There is no need for it in The Land of the Free.  

Joe Biden called on refiners to produce more diesel and gas.  That's adorable -- he thinks there is some relationship of supply to price.  He also thinks Republicans are reasonable, sometimes.  Poor old man.

Georgia's own Barry Loudermilk led a group of patriotic tourists on a special tour of the Capitol on January 5, 2021.  In honor of their extra patriotism he showed them "areas of the complex not typically of interest to tourists, including hallways, staircases and security checkpoints."  But he forgot to disable the security cameras, so the House Select Committee has video.  They even got to see the tunnel that connects the Capitol to the Rayburn House Office Building, where they made their own videos.  It was so exciting, they came back the next day.  There's audio, too, of the tourists mentioning several members of Congress by name; one of their gaudiest threats involves pulling out all the hair of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  You never forget your first visit to the Capitol. 

(Loudermilk is already whining about a "smear campaign.") 

If it's any comfort, we are not alone.  A TV actor called Ryan Grantham shot his mother in Squamish, British Columbia, and planned to drive all the way to Ottawa to kill Justin Trudeau.  Along the way he considered shooting up Simon Fraser University but turned himself in to police instead.  Canadians, huh?  No follow-through.

People in Odessa, Texas, endured a day of triple-digit temperatures without water after a water-main break.  Ted Cruz reflexively booked a flight to Greenland.

American hero Ron Filipkowski (he follows them so we don't have to) reports on today's brain-breaker from Lauren Boebert:  "Washington politicians are addicted to spending.  And this addiction, like the American Rescue Plan is causing, is similar to Parmesan cheese and Hunter Biden."  'Cause if you put them in your shoes, they break!  An organization called Fire Boebert is claiming she used to be a paid escort (with Ted Cruz as a client -- urp, sorry, tasting vomit) and also had two abortions.  Yeah, and?

Some people in Switzerland decided to walk on hot coals and thirteen were hospitalized.  There is no information about why the event on the Au peninsula (OW! peninsula is more like it, am I right?) occurred.  This is one I will follow.

Monkeypox will henceforth be called hMPXV by the very sober scientists at the World Health Organization.  Hard to remember, harder to say, but it won't carry the stigma of being an "African disease."  Political correctness gone mad, as they say in the UK.

It begins.  Republican-run Otero County, New Mexico, is refusing to certify the results of last week's primary over "concerns" about Dominion voting machines, now on their enemies list along with CRT, BLM and reality in general.  The secretary of state is suing.

Remember Miss Flite in Bleak House?  She had a case in Chancery and was always in attendance with her documents but could not attract anyone's attention.  Pillow Mike Lindell is our very own Miss Flite, turning up regularly on Steve Bannon's No Shower Hour or One and Only America News or some other Trumpist venue, complaining that the House committee and the Justice Department and even the Supreme Court refuse to examine the great piles of election fraud evidence he has amassed.  With one podcast camera focused on him and a microphone waiting to convey his Truth to the whole planet, he never gets around to revealing it.  He could hold it up, he could read it, he could sing it, convey it in mime or interpretive dance, he's had enough time to get it engraved on granite.  Some people are starting to think the complaint about being "blocked" is all he has.  It may be time to set the birds free, Mike.  And yes, that is a euphemism.

Who's the "spiritual and intellectual leader" of House Republicans?  Louie Gohmert?  Thomas Massie?  Mo Brooks?  Elise Stefanik?  You'll never guess so I may as well tell you.  It's Jim Jordan, according to his sedition bro Matt Gaetz.  Also the hardest working, which is why he always has to take off his jacket.  Jordan, soon to star in his very own George Clooney-produced documentary about that little sex abuse scandal that propelled him from Ohio State to Congress and glory.  

Sorry, I still think this is Mr. Republican.  He owns a fucking gun store.

Clyde in action, January 6, 2021.

A hundred million Americans are being told "Remain Indoors" as a heat wave blankets the country, but Empty Greene says global warming is a good thing.  Especially if you're a plant, like her.

A team of investigators announced that they have pinpointed the origin of the Black Death that killed millions in the 14th century and it's the shores of Lake Issyk-Kul in what is now Kyrgyzstan.  I feel relieved and yet...let down.

Grift of the day:  Junior Trump emailed millions of suckers, marks and mugs, inviting them to "sign" a birthday card for Daddy who "has done so much for this great Country," for the astonishingly low price of a one-dollar pledge (minimum).  If this works, expect Trump to start celebrating two birthdays a year, like the queen of England.

Lord Geidt sounds like a sinister minor Star Wars character but was actually Boris Johnson's "ethics adviser."  He quit today, only days after Boris survived yet another no-confidence vote (like impeachment but faster).  With the "partygate" fines piling up, it's not a job you want on your CV, a bit like being Sidney Powell's personal stylist.  In totally unrelated news, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon announced that Scotland will hold another referendum on independence next year.  London says she needs the approval of the real Parliament in Westminster but I don't see why.  We didn't ask their permission in 1776.

Elon Musk says he'd like to vote for Ron DeSantis for president.  DeSantis responded, "With Elon Musk what I would say is, I welcome support from African Americans."  Say goodnight, Ron.