Super Tuesday

"People are suffering, people are dying, entire ecosystems are collapsing.  We are in the beginning of a mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth," said Greta Thunberg, the young climate change warrior, at the UN.  Did she impress the old men, and a few women, gathered in solemn assembly?  Here's what one of them took away:

"She seems like a very happy young girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful future.  So nice to see!"

I can see why you might get that if you ignored her words because you were thinking, She's not as hot as Ivanka was at fifteen but definitely do-able.  I hope Melanie finishes her shopping in time for my speech.  I got so many laughs last year.  They totally loved me.  Where's the toilet?

Meanwhile in Washington, the Democrats began to stir from their Barbarossa-like slumber.  By late afternoon they had unleashed the Four Horsemen:  "Pelosi, Nadler, Schiff and, of course, Maxine Waters!  Can you believe this?"  (Suddenly Omar, Pressley, Ocasio-Cortez and Tlaib don't look so scary.)  At ten o'clock his personal lawyer and fixer Rudolph "Stupid Roy Cohn" Giuliani was on the Ingraham show, offering a glimpse into the legal strategy he will pursue:  "Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up, moron!  Shut your lying mouth!"

Moscow Mitch decided that this would not do, and promised that the Senate would "quash" the House's articles of impeachment, which was a new one on every Constitutional lawyer the newsies could dig up.  Even with the Senate rigged (for now), MM doesn't dare risk a trial.  Apparently John Roberts is a little shakier on party loyalty than Rehnquist was.

A transcript, probably doctored, of the Trump-Zelensky phone conversation was finally released, and it's remarkably subtle for Trump -- at no point does he say "I have a good friend in the Kremlin," for instance.  Zelensky has doubtless dealt with gangsters before, and didn't need it spelled out.  Of course, reporters who are really good at this kind of thing have investigated Hunter Biden for years without finding anything, but if some dirt could be manufactured, America would be very grateful...
Zelensky used to be a comedian, but his sense of humor seems to have deserted him.  I would have asked for the return of Crimea.

Today the White House prepared some talking points to help House Republicans defend their leader.  Then they emailed them to all the House Democrats.  Then they asked for them back.

The circus is coming to town!