Let us prey

You may have been distracted by the debate (promoted as if it were Ali-Frazier) and the sneak-launch of Trump TV, but it's time to get ready for   the founding of the First Church of Trump.  I was surprised it took this long.  Religion has historically been the most effective way of extracting money from the frightened and the foolish, while giving them nothing but vague promises about eternity.  (No one has successfully sued a religion because grandma didn't go to heaven.)  It's tax-free, which must appeal to Donnie Deadbeat.  And if Trump likes the Second Amendment he's going to love the First, which basically says that the government can't touch any racket that calls itself a religion.  Quick, someone, tell him about it!

Believers who join at the Executive level will receive a free Gideon Bible from one of Trump's hotels.  The Deluxe Executive level brings them a Bible plus the Stations of Donald, fourteen heart-rending depictions of Trump being viciously attacked by Hillary, the media, the Khan family, Judge Curiel, Paul Ryan, Elizabeth Warren, Mark Cuban, Lester Holt, Gloria Allred, Megyn Kelly, that bitch Chelsea who didn't invite him to her wedding, George H.W. Bush, John McCain -- look, there may be more than fourteen because Trump has suffered so much worse than Christ.  And sacrifices, wow, believe me, so many sacrifices.  And at the Platinum Deluxe level you get an actual relic -- a hair, a fingernail clipping, whatever -- which you can wear with your "Hillary For Prison" shirt and be of good faith for the next four years.

Trump has proved he can bamboozle the evangelical CEOs (admittedly, not a major achievement), so it's time to lure away their customers.  Selah.