Welcome to the heat dome

 Have you seen this man?

No, wait, wrong man.  This is Larry Nassar, physician and sex criminal, serving lots of time for molesting gymnasts on the US Olympic Team and elsewhere.  He got shanked yesterday.  Forget him.

This is the man so many people are looking for.  His name is Gal Luft, he founded a "think tank" called Institute for the Analysis of Global Security, and according to the FBI he has contributed to global security by brokering arms deals, violating US sanctions on Iran and spying for China.  But wait, there's more:  Mr. Luft, who holds US and Israeli citizenship, is the elusive "missing witness" who would, we were promised, blow the roof off the Biden Crime Family if James Comer and his Comettes could just coax him into their committee room.  It sounds like his own legal problems make Hunter Biden look like Captain America.  And yes, he jumped bail because "I did not believe I will receive a fair trial in a New York court."  Last seen in Cyprus, probably headed for Moscow.  Like Rick's Cafe Americaine, everybody comes to Moscow.

Evidence be damned, Trump knows that Hunter Biden is guilty of all the crimes.  Once again he's been let down by one of his best people, David Weiss, US attorney for Delaware.  "A smaller version of Bill Barr" (ouch!), he "gave out a traffic ticket instead of a death sentence."  That seems harsh for missing a couple of income tax deadlines, but Obese-wan Kenobi hasn't been close to making sense in a long time.  Now we're hearing that he wanted the IRS to audit two of his pet hates, Lisa Page and Peter Strzok.  I believe that's called "weaponizing the government."  Comer should look into it.  Pigs should fly.

For the first time since 1859 the Marine Corps has no commandant.  It's all down to Tommy Tuberville's prolonged hissy-fit at the US military because he doesn't like their pro-choice policies.  More than two hundred promotions have been blocked, but this is the jewel in his dunce cap.  Alabama, do better.  Sure, he's a loud and proud white nationalist but I'm sure you have others.

Pillow magnate Mike Lindell is responding to a business setback in the traditional Rightzi way, by whining and blaming others.  "We lost $100 million from attacks by the box stores, the shopping networks, the shopping channels, all of them did cancel culture on us," by which he means they stopped carrying his merchandise because customers are repulsed by his lunatic conspiracy theories.  He's auctioning off trucks, computers and machines used to make junk rubber into pillows.  In addition to falling sales, he owes $5 million to the winner of the "Prove Mike Wrong" competition, who did, and more money to the lawyers who file his nuisance lawsuits about the 2020 election and have to defend the $1.3 billion defamation suit from Dominion Voting Systems.

This just in:  Joe Biden uses bad words.  It's been over a year since he called Peter Doocy "a stupid son of a bitch" and nothing has happened to prove him wrong, but he uses the f-word and the s-word and even takes the gourd's name in vain.  It's probably because he's old and senile and forgets how to say "h-e-double-hockey-sticks" and "golly gosh darn it" like Mike Pence.  Wait until he finds out that AI has determined the ultimate swear-word to be "ber."  I don't think it will replace "fuck you" but I can't help but remember Deep Thought determining that the answer to everything is 42.  Douglas Adams should be here for this.  He should be here anyway.

Judge Arlene Bluth has ordered Steve Bannon to pay his lawyers' tab of nearly half a million dollars.  Check your mailbox for an entreaty, Red Hat Nation.