Problem solver

 Sometimes I wake from a deep dream of peace, like Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!), to find that I have solved a knotty problem.  Last week some lawmakers in Tennessee, which is fast becoming the nuttiest place on earth that doesn't have its own power grid, have worked up a law which "expands the definition of 'law enforcement officer' to include a person who has been issued an enhanced handgun carry permit."  In effect, this would deputize everybody with a gun and a relatively clean record, either to solve the state's out-of-control crime problem or to get ready for Civil War 2:  Chattanooga Choo Choo.  The state senate sponsor, one Joey Hensley, has quite a colorful background himself which would preclude anyone legally selling him even a starter's pistol, but that's another matter.  Instead of dismissing the bill as the work of yet another lunatic, I tried to think of its useful applications.  Opposing the madness will just make you tired and cranky.

Republicans are always bloviating about how much they love Our Men and Women In Blue, except for when the blue meanies get in their way as they did on January 6, 2021, at which time they become Nancy Pelosi's Gazpacho Police.  Republicans are also outraged that Delta and other (private) airlines want the Justice Department to create a no-fly list for the tantrum-throwing "skeptics" who have made flying more miserable than Osama bin Laden ever dreamed.  My suggestion:  Deputize everyone who has to deal with this pestilence.  Flight crews, obviously, but also health care workers, school boards, librarians, maybe even restaurant employees who must enforce vaccination rules.  Level the field.  I'm not saying guns, but arm them with pepper spray, cattle prods, zip ties, hell, animal tranquilizers.  (The thugs take animal drugs, don't they?)  If nothing else, it will make The Party of Law and Order choose a side.  "This is trying to open it up so that people who go to the extreme to get this extra permit can have the right to defend themselves in more places," is how Senator Joey put it.  Based on his record he means "white people."  I mean all of us.

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This is a day for rejoicing, because the Olympics are well and truly over.  Congratulations to little socialist Norway for winning most medals (sixteen gold, thirty-seven total).  Good luck to Kamila Valieva, who cheated her way in and fell repeatedly on her ass -- Sha'Carri Richardson says "Bye, bitch."  But it was left to Remi Lindholm to symbolize the glory of sport when his penis froze during the 50k -- make that 30k -- cross-country skiing.  He's from Finland, you'd think he'd know better. 

For those who need something equally pointless to obsess and tweet over, the Grammy Awards are roiling in controversy.  Works by Curtis Stewart and Jon Batiste are nominated in the classical category, apparently because they studied at the Eastman School and Juilliard respectively, and people who are still writing, you know, operas and stuff can't understand why.  Neither can the nominees.  All I know is, the classical Grammys are handed out in somebody's living room and have not been part of the big official show since Georg Solti used to win every year.  Hey, it's all politics.  

Did Prince Charles give his mother covid?  Is she going to be all right?  Could this be the start of the weirdest succession crisis since Stephen and Matilda.

With a fascist power itching to invade, was it a good idea to hold this year's security conference in Munich?  It has a sinister history when it comes to selling out small countries for short-term gain.  

Baby Tuckoo reached down and let fly with a spurting hate-gasm aimed at "Sandy Cortez," which is his clever name for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  Now she's "a rich, entitled white lady," and I guess the frozen dinner heir would know.  He's so desperate for attention he completely ignored the party line that Hillary is supposed to be the designated villain.  But he probably feels better now.  And he's not even the most insane Rightzi Mouth this week.  That would be Candace Owens, who wants to invade Canada and free its oppressed millions from the tyranny of "Justin Trudeau Castro" (she's decided he's the illegitimate son of Fidel Castro, don't ask me why).  She apparently got the idea from Candace Owens, who proposed last fall to invade Australia and free its oppressed millions...Anyway, Trudeau wins Bugfuck Bingo this week by being compared to both Hitler and Castro.  Better luck next week, Dr. Fauci.