The future is now

To save time, we present the news of the coming week.  Sorry, no lottery numbers.

After several weeks of declining numbers, hospitalizations will jump in response to the inability of Americans to grasp that viruses do not recognize holidays.  Not even Super Sunday.

Viewers will analyze the shit out of the football game, especially its commercials.

Peter Navarro will continue to float insane conspiracy theories as he lobbies for the Lou Dobbs spot on Fox Business.

Tucker Carlson will mock Sen. Tammy Duckworth's bill to assist families who cannot afford diapers.  At some point, he or another Trumpoid life form will question whether she really is an Army veteran.

The impeachment trial will be less surprising than an episode of Father Knows Best.

Ignored by American media, people in Myanmar and Belarus will continue to defy armed troops to demand rights we take for granted (and a significant number of us obviously don't care about).

Trumpanzees will maintain that something said by Maxine Waters or Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is exactly the same as telling a mob armed with hockey sticks, slip ties and at least one spear to break into the Capitol and shit on the floor.

Stormy Daniels's description of her encounter with Trump ("the worst ninety seconds of my life") will be the springboard for endless easy jokes.  Comedy writers will miss him most of all.