Cheap laughs

One day -- and it can't be soon enough -- comedy writers will have to write original material.  Until then, they can just scan the news for gems like:

"He's also doing the rockets.  He likes rockets, and he does good at rockets, by the way."  (On Elon Musk)

"Who the hell cares about the budget?  We're going to have a country."  (On fiscal responsibility)

"Fear and doubt is not a good thought process."  (On Greta Thunberg)

"But honestly, we have all the material.  They don't have the material."  (On withholding evidence in the impeachment trial)

"I heard that they had headaches and a couple of other things. But I can say, and I would report, it is not very serious."  (On eleven U.S. soldiers with traumatic brain injury from the Iranian missile attack)

"Our numbers are very good, our environmental numbers.   Our water numbers, our numbers on the air are tremendous.  We have to do something about other continents and other countries.  We have a beautiful ocean called the Pacific Ocean where thousands of tons of garbage flows toward us, put there by other countries, so Greta needs to work on them."  (On Thunberg again, with some lies about U.S, carbon emissions)

(For a different perspective on our "tremendous numbers," here's an article about some of the chemicals millions of Americans drink every day.)

And these are just from today.