Fried day

Alan Dershowitz has joined Dream Team Trump.  (But what if O.J. gets arrested again?)  He joins rape-enabler Ken Starr and drunken doofus Rudolph Giuliani.  I hear there's a Jon McNaughton painting of Jeffrey Epstein earmarked for their command center.  Ken's been unemployed since that little dust-up at Baylor, so he doesn't even remember that Trump called him "a lunatic" and "a disaster" way back in 1999.

This century's Joe Valachi is a nondescript Ukrainian with a Zero Mostel combover.  Lev Parnas is a small-time crook whose testimony against a big-time crook has already proved indispensable.  I love that he's got selfies with all sorts of slimebags who now claim never to have met him, and transcripts of their crazily incriminating emails.  Even if he only amassed this collection to avoid death by Putin, I'm already dreaming of the Scorsese movie.  Paul Giamatti maybe?

Bernie Sanders says a woman can't be elected president but he can.  Two things, Bern:  Last time a woman won by almost three million votes but was robbed by an eighteenth century anachronism.  Also, what makes you think a Jew can be elected?

I think Ayanna Pressley is more beautiful with no hair than all those surgically enhanced Trumpettes combined.  Expect her to be the subject of much hilarity at the next Hatesapalooza.

This is why athletes are avoiding the White House.  If it's not impeachment, he rants about Crooked Hillary, or dishwashers, or windmill cancer.  In front of a Chinese trade delegation he decided to go off on James Comey some more.  Embarrassing.  And some day, there will be a doctoral dissertation on Trump's strange use of dog similes.

Richmond is bracing for Charottesville Redux as thousands of gun-humpers arrive for a King Day rally, accompanied by their beloved weapons and who knows how much live ammo.  Because there's no point walking into a peaceful, lawful rally unarmed.  By Monday night, Hannity will be assuring us that Antifa is the problem.  I wonder if Donzo Jr. will address the multitude while lofting his newest toy, Crusader Cross Hillary.  It's not clear if this is the weapon he used to bring down that ferocious Mongolian sheep.

I never cared much for Time, but putting Trump's worthless slumlord son-in-law on the cover ahead of him was a masterpiece of trolling.  Other cover folks they might want to consider:  Rosie O'Donnell, Kurt "short-fingered vulgarian" Andersen, Alec Baldwin (in full clownface), Maxine Waters, Adam Schiff, Marla Maples, Ivana Trump, the Central Park Five, the Whistleblower, Stormy Daniels, John McCain, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Angela Merkel, Ayatollah Khamenei, Robert DeNiro, Carmen Yulin Cruz, Kathy Griffin...

The General Accounting Office says Trump violated federal law by withholding funds Congress had voted for Ukraine.  And now he's doing the same thing with most of the money Congress voted for Puerto Rico (after the hurricane -- the earthquakes are still going on).  The excuse is the same:  must prevent corruption!  I'll pause here for manic laughter.

When Trump said no Americans were injured in that little shootout with Iran, he meant these eleven.

Michael Flynn has changed his mind again about pleading guilty.  Exactly how did this guy get to be a general?

Obese, gasping, sniffing "president" knows what's the perfect nutrition for kids, and it's pizza, fries and burgers!  Orders health-nut Ag Secretary Sonny "Sonny" Perdue to rescind dietary guidelines for school lunches promoted by Michelle Obama.   Happy birthday, Last First Lady!  #BeFat!

It's also the birthday of Betty White.  Hey, Tubby McBonespurs, think you'll see 98?