This just in
"When news breaks, we fix it" was the slogan of The Daily Show in the Jon Stewart era. Good luck today. News breaks so fast you barely have time to sweep up the shards. For instance:
Damascus: Bashar al-Assad and Vladimir Putin visited an Orthodox church and were caught on video joking about Trump. Somewhere at the intersection of Arabic, Russian and English the point got a little obscure, but it's fun that these two seem to know the Bible better than he does.
Moscow: The entire Russian government up and quit. Nobody knows why, but constitutional "reforms" are promised.
Washington: The impeachment "trial" will be conducted without C-SPAN, press or public access, because there's nothing to see here, return to your homes, totally innocent, witch hunt, LOOK, A TERRORIST!
Dublin: Ireland's next general election will take place on a Saturday for the first time since 1918. It's almost as if they want people to vote.
Quinnipiac University: A poll says that two-thirds of Americans want John Bolton to testify at the impeachment "trial." The question they probably should have asked: Who is John Bolton?
Brooklyn: A Secret Service agent was startled by a dog on a leash, so he drew his gun and killed it. Maybe these people are a little more tense than usual. Maybe it's all the hate rallies.
Des Moines: Nina Turner, co-chair of the Bernie Sanders campaign, decided this was the right time to point out that Elizabeth Warren was a Republican thirty years ago. Warren politely did not retort that Sanders joined the Democratic Party in 2016. The politpress are playing up their "feud" as if they were Fred Allen and Jack Benny c. 1940.
Washington: "Bombshell" is an overused word. It should be saved for the release of tweets between Lev Parnas and the even less savory Robert Hyde discussing a gangland-style contract on former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch in Kyiv. "She's going to go through some things," remarked Don Donald, after the ambassador declined to facilitate the Biden smear campaign. So she did, fleeing Ukraine in fear for her safety.
Texas: All of the state's Catholic bishops issued a statement condemning Gov. Greg Abbott's ban on refugees. Of course, they stopped short of denying him communion, because he's still anti-choice.
Milwaukee: This asshole again. Trump played his greatest hits for the paste-eaters: Appliances don't waste enough water, am I right? A dead Democrat is "looking up" from hell (LBJ this time). Black people adore him and are abandoning the "Democrat party" as if it was a plantation. He "kept the oil" from Syria, spoils of war, didn't say where it's being kept. Soleimani's body count is up to "hundreds of thousands" (next time, millions). And for the encore, everyone joined in the beloved "Lock her up!" without wondering why neither Sessions nor Barr has managed to do this yet. Trump's only experience with dishwashers is the undocumented ones he hires for his trash resorts, but he still delivered a tight ten minutes of blithering expertise. This is by no stretch politics -- it's burlesque. The only thing missing is Melania dancing to "Night Train."
Damascus: Bashar al-Assad and Vladimir Putin visited an Orthodox church and were caught on video joking about Trump. Somewhere at the intersection of Arabic, Russian and English the point got a little obscure, but it's fun that these two seem to know the Bible better than he does.
Moscow: The entire Russian government up and quit. Nobody knows why, but constitutional "reforms" are promised.
Washington: The impeachment "trial" will be conducted without C-SPAN, press or public access, because there's nothing to see here, return to your homes, totally innocent, witch hunt, LOOK, A TERRORIST!
Dublin: Ireland's next general election will take place on a Saturday for the first time since 1918. It's almost as if they want people to vote.
Quinnipiac University: A poll says that two-thirds of Americans want John Bolton to testify at the impeachment "trial." The question they probably should have asked: Who is John Bolton?
Brooklyn: A Secret Service agent was startled by a dog on a leash, so he drew his gun and killed it. Maybe these people are a little more tense than usual. Maybe it's all the hate rallies.
Des Moines: Nina Turner, co-chair of the Bernie Sanders campaign, decided this was the right time to point out that Elizabeth Warren was a Republican thirty years ago. Warren politely did not retort that Sanders joined the Democratic Party in 2016. The politpress are playing up their "feud" as if they were Fred Allen and Jack Benny c. 1940.
Washington: "Bombshell" is an overused word. It should be saved for the release of tweets between Lev Parnas and the even less savory Robert Hyde discussing a gangland-style contract on former Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch in Kyiv. "She's going to go through some things," remarked Don Donald, after the ambassador declined to facilitate the Biden smear campaign. So she did, fleeing Ukraine in fear for her safety.
Texas: All of the state's Catholic bishops issued a statement condemning Gov. Greg Abbott's ban on refugees. Of course, they stopped short of denying him communion, because he's still anti-choice.
Milwaukee: This asshole again. Trump played his greatest hits for the paste-eaters: Appliances don't waste enough water, am I right? A dead Democrat is "looking up" from hell (LBJ this time). Black people adore him and are abandoning the "Democrat party" as if it was a plantation. He "kept the oil" from Syria, spoils of war, didn't say where it's being kept. Soleimani's body count is up to "hundreds of thousands" (next time, millions). And for the encore, everyone joined in the beloved "Lock her up!" without wondering why neither Sessions nor Barr has managed to do this yet. Trump's only experience with dishwashers is the undocumented ones he hires for his trash resorts, but he still delivered a tight ten minutes of blithering expertise. This is by no stretch politics -- it's burlesque. The only thing missing is Melania dancing to "Night Train."
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 3:36 PM
1 Comments:
"The impeachment "trial" will be conducted without C-SPAN, press or public access..."
Well, of course it will! The business of the public is none of the public's business. This is an ancient Republican principle. It derives from the divine right of kings.
Yours crankily,
The New York Crank
Post a Comment
<< Home