The conscious of the nation

In less than two hours, the dynamic duo of Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl have promised to introduce the "ex-Marine body builder" who has been having an affair with Elizabeth Warren.  Right there in Jack's driveway (the announcement, not the affair), where he previously introduced the woman who was assaulted by Robert Mueller, or would have if she had shown up.  Jack was so focused on his bombshell revelation that day, you'll recall, that he didn't even remember to zip his fly.  Then there was the young man who was attacked by Pete Buttigieg, who also turned out to be non-existent.  But this time, well, to quote their announcement, "These charges will shock the conscious of the nation."  So I can't stir from my computer, since I consider myself almost completely conscious.  I'm just not sure I can still be shocked.

I can be pleasantly surprised, as for instance when a Texas jury found Amber Guyger guilty of murdering Botham Jean in his own home last year, since he was a black man and she was a white police officer.  The crucial details -- own home, unarmed, wearing only underwear -- clearly made this case different from countless others, not to mention her failure to perform even perfunctory first aid as he lay dying.  After the verdict was announced, as Guyger was being led off to spend her first night in jail -- incredibly, she had been free on bail -- the dead man's brother Brandt Jean embraced her and expressed forgiveness.  This may have influenced the jury to sentence her to ten years out of a possible ninety-nine, in spite of her racist tweets introduced by the prosecution.  Weirdest of all, Judge Tammy Kemp, who is black, then gave Guyger a hug and a Bible.  What, no Spingarn Medal?  So she will do probably five years and she won't be allowed to vote in Texas.  I have no right to tell people who they can and can't forgive.  Stephen Robinson does it better.

Over on the lawn of the vermin-infested White House, Trump started the day with another episode of "If You Think That's Impeachable, Watch This!"  Now he wants the Chinese government to invent some dirt on Hunter and/or Joe Biden.  Because why wouldn't they help him spend another four years erecting tariff barriers and soliciting trademarks for himself and Princess Ivanka, while impeding their quiet diplomatic efforts to rein in Kim Jong-un?   If China demurs, Trump can always ask those shithole African countries to join his campaign.  I'm assuming Prince Bone Saw and Brazilian Mussolini are already on board.  He's also telling people that both Pence and Pompeo knew all about the Zelensky phone call; in fact, Pompeo was listening on the extension.  So that's two more thrown under the bus.  (Chief Brody:  "You're going to need a bigger bus.")

Fox News has dispensed with the services of Todd Starnes, who only last week informed viewers that Democrats are not only un-Christian but almost certainly worship Moloch, a god you don't hear much about anymore.  I guess "Moloch" sounds a little too much like "Murdoch."  Some older Foxters may have become confused.

Rudolph Giuliani has been visiting Paul Manafort in prison, for reasons which certainly have nothing to do with Ukraine.  He probably wanted to bring Big Paulie a Bible and some pastries from Veniero's.  And talk about a pardon.  Mmm...Veniero's cannoli taste just like freedom.

"Go big or go home" was the advice some Wisconsin dairy farmers got from their Secretary of Agriculture "Sonny" Perdue this week.  In other words, if small farmers can't compete with agribusiness, fuck 'em.  Oh, and thanks for your support.  Made all the difference in the Dear Leader's epochal Electoral College victory.  Remember to vote before y'all go out to the barn and blow your brains out next November.

It only took nine months but Trump has unveiled his nickname for the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee:  Shifty Schiff.  I doubled over, too.  He also says Schiff is not fit to carry Pompeo's "blank strap," because he is very presidential and would not use a coarse word like "jock," even while calling Whistleblower's complaint "bullshit."  Also he will no longer call him "Adam Schitt."  Dignity, always dignity.  Speaking of which, have you heard about the moat with the alligators and the poisonous snakes?  And "hereby ordering" border guards to shoot asylum seekers (legs only)?  If you put this stuff in Japanese manga, the publisher would turn it down.

Boris Johnson has his own slimy Stephen Miller-type henchman called Dominic Cummings, and between them they evicted twenty-one MPs from the Conservative Party for voting the wrong way, not very smart considering how shaky their majority already was.  I wonder if Republicans who vote against Trump in the few remaining primaries will be similarly purged.

The hour has come and gone with no sign of the Burkman-Wohl comedy hour.  Should I turn on Fox?

No.  I shouldn't.