The blame game
We all know what the problem is: schools aren't concentration camp-y enough. More guns, more guards. Now...whose fault was it? All right, sound off with your personal favorite scapegoats!
Rush Limbaugh: feminists. Poor Rush, struggling to stay relevant in the age of Breitbart and Storm Front like a hand-weaver flailing at the dark, satanic mills, reaches back to his default demon and all the girls who laughed at him in high school. ("Wish I'd-a had me a gun!")
Rick Santorum: single mothers. Although I'm pretty sure Nikolas Cruz's parents were married, this has been an obsession of Ricky's since Catholic school.
Andre Bauer, former lieutenant governor of South Carolina (I had to look him up): not enough people watching The Andy Griffith Show, with its wholesome Christian values. Problem: Mr. Griffith's show went off the air in 1968, and it's now shown several times a day on classic TV channels, as opposed to once a week on the network. But school prayer! OK, Andre, you've got me there.
David Clarke, former bling-toting sheriff of Milwaukee County: some weird combination of Black Lives Matter and ISIS, bankrolled by George Soros. I threw this one in for shits and giggles, though it's far from unique in the more squalid districts of Blogenheim. (For just one example, some Twits are now attacking #NeverAgain leader David Hogg, for allegedly bullying Cruz.)
Wayne LaPierre: socialists. Because why not?
The Florida legislature: pornography. Just last month a man in Gainesville died while watching "Shaving Ryan's Privates." Major public health problem. Which brings us to
Jack Kingston: HOLLYWOOD, with its violent movies and video games. Remember the actor pointing his gun at the camera in The Great Train Robbery (1903)? We should have stopped it then. And the internet thing is crammed with violence, videos depicting Hillary getting hit with a golf ball, CNN being crushed by a train, Islamophobic snuff porn from the UK...who keeps re-tweeting this sick shit?
Every massacre brings another iteration of "Officer Krupke": "The trouble is he's lazy, The trouble is he drinks, The trouble is he's crazy, The trouble is he stinks!" But never, never "The trouble is he's armed like a Marine hitting a beach."
A terrible event like this calls for serious debate, compassion, eloquence and leadership. And look what we have.
Donzo the Clown popped in his high-quality dentures and brought his freshly inflated Wife along (she didn't require separate transportation this time, AF1 being a very large plane). They posed for pictures with the hospital staff, the first responders and even some family members, smiling as if it were the wedding of a child they thought they'd never unload. They took a picture with a victim in the hospital, later to be used for fund-raising. Then they dashed off to Mar-a-Leggomyeggo for partying and golf. Disappointingly, there was no chorus of praise for all Donzo's hard work and being so presidential. Some haters even criticized his shit-eating grin and thumbs-up gesture, which bring so much joy, believe me.
Back in Washington (what a dump) he pretended to listen to Stoneman Douglas students, wearing the thoughtful expression that says, "I understand what you say, I'm not demented or stupid. Not demented. Not stupid. Understanding. See how I nod? Anybody else want a Coke?" He starred in the annual CPAC smoker, ranting on long enough to earn a new name from Charlie Pierce, Combover Castro, smearing John McCain, reading song lyrics, hitting all the low points and drinking in the adoration of the Trumpanzees. And then he told us whose fault it was -- anybody but his and the NRA's. Not enough armed teachers. "I'll do that thing with my schools that I do with my banks," he promised, because he's America's landlord/tsar, and bank robbery is a thing of the past. He blamed the FBI for wasting so much time on his crimes instead of predicting those of Nikolas Cruz. He blamed Scott Peterson, the school security guard, who heard automatic weapon fire and decided against entering the building with his sidearm ("a coward"). He blamed Scott Israel, the sheriff of Broward County, for whatever. The sheriff's a Democrat.
And just when you think it can't get worse, where have you been for the past three years? Today Trump proclaimed that he his own self would have taken down the bad guy, even without a gun, armed only with the amazingness of his electoral college triumph. He's afraid to swim in the ocean because of sharks, he's afraid to eat in any restaurant he doesn't own and prefers mass-produced junk food because it's harder to poison him, he was scared shitless of being drafted and sent to Vietnam, he's afraid of other people's blood, and he once fled the room where a woman was nursing a baby. But Cadet Bonespurs would have stopped an angry kid with an AR-15.
In the words of Walter Neff, "Do I laugh now or wait till it gets funny?"
Rush Limbaugh: feminists. Poor Rush, struggling to stay relevant in the age of Breitbart and Storm Front like a hand-weaver flailing at the dark, satanic mills, reaches back to his default demon and all the girls who laughed at him in high school. ("Wish I'd-a had me a gun!")
Rick Santorum: single mothers. Although I'm pretty sure Nikolas Cruz's parents were married, this has been an obsession of Ricky's since Catholic school.
Andre Bauer, former lieutenant governor of South Carolina (I had to look him up): not enough people watching The Andy Griffith Show, with its wholesome Christian values. Problem: Mr. Griffith's show went off the air in 1968, and it's now shown several times a day on classic TV channels, as opposed to once a week on the network. But school prayer! OK, Andre, you've got me there.
David Clarke, former bling-toting sheriff of Milwaukee County: some weird combination of Black Lives Matter and ISIS, bankrolled by George Soros. I threw this one in for shits and giggles, though it's far from unique in the more squalid districts of Blogenheim. (For just one example, some Twits are now attacking #NeverAgain leader David Hogg, for allegedly bullying Cruz.)
Wayne LaPierre: socialists. Because why not?
The Florida legislature: pornography. Just last month a man in Gainesville died while watching "Shaving Ryan's Privates." Major public health problem. Which brings us to
Jack Kingston: HOLLYWOOD, with its violent movies and video games. Remember the actor pointing his gun at the camera in The Great Train Robbery (1903)? We should have stopped it then. And the internet thing is crammed with violence, videos depicting Hillary getting hit with a golf ball, CNN being crushed by a train, Islamophobic snuff porn from the UK...who keeps re-tweeting this sick shit?
Every massacre brings another iteration of "Officer Krupke": "The trouble is he's lazy, The trouble is he drinks, The trouble is he's crazy, The trouble is he stinks!" But never, never "The trouble is he's armed like a Marine hitting a beach."
A terrible event like this calls for serious debate, compassion, eloquence and leadership. And look what we have.
Donzo the Clown popped in his high-quality dentures and brought his freshly inflated Wife along (she didn't require separate transportation this time, AF1 being a very large plane). They posed for pictures with the hospital staff, the first responders and even some family members, smiling as if it were the wedding of a child they thought they'd never unload. They took a picture with a victim in the hospital, later to be used for fund-raising. Then they dashed off to Mar-a-Leggomyeggo for partying and golf. Disappointingly, there was no chorus of praise for all Donzo's hard work and being so presidential. Some haters even criticized his shit-eating grin and thumbs-up gesture, which bring so much joy, believe me.
Back in Washington (what a dump) he pretended to listen to Stoneman Douglas students, wearing the thoughtful expression that says, "I understand what you say, I'm not demented or stupid. Not demented. Not stupid. Understanding. See how I nod? Anybody else want a Coke?" He starred in the annual CPAC smoker, ranting on long enough to earn a new name from Charlie Pierce, Combover Castro, smearing John McCain, reading song lyrics, hitting all the low points and drinking in the adoration of the Trumpanzees. And then he told us whose fault it was -- anybody but his and the NRA's. Not enough armed teachers. "I'll do that thing with my schools that I do with my banks," he promised, because he's America's landlord/tsar, and bank robbery is a thing of the past. He blamed the FBI for wasting so much time on his crimes instead of predicting those of Nikolas Cruz. He blamed Scott Peterson, the school security guard, who heard automatic weapon fire and decided against entering the building with his sidearm ("a coward"). He blamed Scott Israel, the sheriff of Broward County, for whatever. The sheriff's a Democrat.
And just when you think it can't get worse, where have you been for the past three years? Today Trump proclaimed that he his own self would have taken down the bad guy, even without a gun, armed only with the amazingness of his electoral college triumph. He's afraid to swim in the ocean because of sharks, he's afraid to eat in any restaurant he doesn't own and prefers mass-produced junk food because it's harder to poison him, he was scared shitless of being drafted and sent to Vietnam, he's afraid of other people's blood, and he once fled the room where a woman was nursing a baby. But Cadet Bonespurs would have stopped an angry kid with an AR-15.
In the words of Walter Neff, "Do I laugh now or wait till it gets funny?"
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 12:39 PM
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