Why satirists drink

Betsy DeVos, probable future Secretary of Education, has been caught plagiarizing an answer on her written questionnaire.   And whose paper did she copy from?  Vanita Gupta, the head of the Justice Department's civil rights division under Barack Obama.  That's an automatic F, Betsy.

Philip Pizzo, a Catholic priest in Queens, New York, has previously used his popular Facebook page to trash Hillary Clinton for being unattractive.  (Are priests supposed to think in such terms?)  He has now posted a "funny" meme entitled "SHOW YOUR HATE FOR TRUMP -- DO IT FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE" -- "it" being "jump off a building."  I haven't been a Catholic for half a century, but I'm pretty sure they haven't changed their position on suicide.  It's still off the table, isn't it?  In any case the father is now restricting his page to a select circle of friends.  You know, people who "get" him. 

CNN is telling us that the two finalists for the Supreme Court are headed to Washington for tonight's big announcement.  Two?   Can't Bannon Trump decide until he sees them in Speedos?

Senate Republicans who refused to act on the appointment of Merrick Garland are appalled at the Democrats' delaying tactics on Jefferson Beauregard Sessions (R-KKK) and Rex Tillerson  (R-ExxonMobil).  Outrageous.  Whatever happened to bipartisanship?  But executive orders, so dictatorial only a month ago, are now just fine. 

Is the bar open yet?

Nasty women #1

Federal Judge Ann M. Donnelly has issued a temporary restraining order against Trump's executive order which forbids entry to citizens of all Islamic nations which do not do business with The Trump Organization.

Malia Obama has joined the protest against the XL Pipeline at the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation in North Dakota.

In response to Gov. Greg Abbott's order that all aborted or miscarried fetuses in Texas be buried, Ele Chupik has urged women to mail him their used napkins and tampons.  Many have done so, with instructions like "Bury this!" and "Better safe than sorry."

Stay nasty, ladies.

Obsessed

'Member how Party officials would be photographed with Stalin when he visited a tractor factory or a hydroelectric facility?  Later they would fall from grace into the gulag, if they were lucky, and some Winston Smithsky would have to excise them from the photo.  Michael Reynolds, director of the National Park Service, has a tougher job.  He has to add thousands of people to photographs like this one, or else:

The Leader stood in front of the wall where the Central Intelligence Agency commemorates its fallen and bragged about the crowds, and how muchly they adored his speech, probably the best speech since the Lincoln Second, and how the sun actually came out and shone from upon his face.   So Mr. Reynolds needs to make it so.  Maybe the CGI people who created the Coliseum throngs for Gladiator can help. 

Millions of people.

Actually, I think I know what's wrong:  Trump misses his golden toilet.  If you hadn't taken a dump for a week, you'd be hallucinating, too.  Have you seen him lately?  "Trump is full of shit" is no longer a metaphor.  The -- well, the rounder he gets, the more lunacies will be committed in our name, like banning travelers from Muslim countries that lack Trump hotels, or starting a trade war with Mexico.  This is no time for prunes.  Get the fire hose.

News you can ooze

If an oil pipeline leaks in another country and no one sees it, did it contaminate the water and land?

One day after Emperor Napoleorange (I'm going with that for now) signed a decree that resumes work on the North Dakota/Standing Rock Reservation pipeline -- he happens to be an investor, but I'm not doing conflict of interest right now -- we learn that a similar underground pipeline in northern Alberta burst last month, spewing 200,000 liters of oil on land belonging to the Ocean Man First Nation.  If you want to know more I recommend the Toronto Star or some other Canadian paper.  For sure, no American "news" outlet will have time for this story.  You see, Mary Tyler Moore died today, which is very sad for her fans (I am one) but perhaps does not require all-day coverage on CNN and MSNBC and ten precious minutes on The Scott Pelley Show.  That environment stuff is such a yawn unless celebrities are getting arrested.  Does Canada even have celebrities?  The EPA is being gutted like a fish, too, but wait, here's an inspirational story about a ten-year-old who bakes muffins for the homeless.  Awww!

Napoleorange loves to sign his name.  As a result, torture is back, the National Parks Service is under a hiring freeze, and wall construction will start right away.  There's a build-that-wall bill pending, but this is so fucking important that he can't wait for Paulie Numbnuts to shove it through the House.  The only thing he hasn't managed to sign is an order authorizing disaster relief for Mississippi and Georgia, where more than a dozen people died in tornadoes last week.   At present the Federal Emergency Management Agency, like so many others, has no director and possibly no budget.   Oh, and millions of people voted illegally.  Millions. 

Did I mention that Mary Tyler Moore died?       

Alternative facts

Once upon a time there was a man named Nixon who was President of the United States.  He was much given to deception, paranoia and outright criminality, and he recorded himself discussing his crimes with his co-conspirators so there was no doubt of them.  Eventually he had to resign because he was about to be impeached.  In the meantime, his press secretary, whose name was Ron Ziegler, had to face reporters every day and tell them that the President was honest and incorruptible and knew nothing about the activities of burglars and bagmen who were, in some cases, already in prison.   The reporters, smelling fear, were racing around talking to informers and developing stories which demonstrated that Ziegler was full of shit.  Confronted with these facts, Ziegler would inform them that whatever he said yesterday was "no longer operative," which meant it was no longer convincing to most sane people.  Then he would tell another lie.  This went on until August of 1974, at which point Nixon quit and his successor informed us that "Our long national nightmare is over."  Nixon returned to California and Ziegler returned to obscurity.

Our new national nightmare was only two days old when a man named Sean Spicer informed us that the Trump inauguration was the greatest event since the Big Bang, witnessed by crowds too huge to count.  People who had seen acres of empty chairs and reviewing stands that recalled a New York Mets day game circa 1981 were confused and incredulous.  Then a woman named Kellyanne Conway explained that this was an example of "alternative facts" which only seemed to contradict reality, and that we could expect a great deal more of the same.  Those who attempted to reconcile official administration pronouncements with the physical world were accused of trying to "demoralize" the new President.  Then the Spicer person repeated the same lie, louder,

This is clearly a more aggressive tactic than Ziegler's in that era which now seems so innocent.  Why not just say "It was raining on Friday" and move on?  Why does the audience have to be bigliest, and the sad little concert the most spectacular, and the balls the most dazzling?  Because something is wrong with the septuagenarian man-baby.  Fluffing his ego is the first job of everyone around him.  Facts are whatever they say (insert Orwell reference here). 

I couldn't put it better than Philip Roth, who pronounced Trump "ignorant of government, of history, of science, of philosophy, of art, incapable of expressing or recognizing subtlety or nuance, destitute of all decency, and wielding a vocabulary of seventy-seven words that is better called Jerkish than English."  Let the tweeting begin.  

Disconnected thoughts

You know you are in big trouble when the least disturbing thing about the new president is that he has a good friend named Joey No-Socks.

At least ninety senior Obama officials have agreed to stay in their jobs because the moron-elect was too busy feuding with Meryl Streep and CNN to hire replacements.  These people are true patriots.  I would have told him to go trump himself.

It's fun to laugh at the Russian pee-party stories, but we need to remember that this is only the distraction, the salacious detail for the entertainment of the perpetually adolescent, like Bill Clinton's cigar.  It's not a crime to enjoy getting pissed on.  Whatever Putin has on Trump is much more serious, penitentiary stuff.  It would even shock the Stormtrumpers who wouldn't care if he shot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue (his own words).  But I have never missed Bill Hicks so much.   

First Rick Perry wanted to abolish the Department of Energy.  Then he decided that he wanted to be Secretary of Energy.  Then he found out the job doesn't entail peddling Texas oil and gas to the world but requires him to supervise America's nuclear arsenal.  Now his head hurts.

If Trump is following the Tom Price hearings, he may have his first inkling that insider trading is a crime.  Trump believes that no laws apply to him -- immigration laws, tax laws, labor laws, bribery laws, the Cuban embargo, even the laws of science.  Even the law which says that if you consume more calories than you burn, you'll get fat.  When Donzo looks in a mirror he doesn't see a grotesque old man with dyed hair, weird orange skin and more chins than Mount Rushmore.  He sees a young Brad Pitt.  Even Brad Pitt doesn't see that anymore.

No more Corporation for Public Broadcasting?  Who will bring us stately British costume dramas and documentaries about Egyptian mummies?  Sad!

President Obama ended his final news conference by telling the press, "Good luck."  It looks as if they'll need it.  There is talk of rousting them out of the James Brady Room in the White House because --get this -- the room isn't big enough.  (Il Douche doesn't like to perform before crowds of fewer than five thousand, preferably chanting his name.)  If this encourages reporters to actually report, investigate, pursue, or just pore over public documents as I.F. Stone did, it could be the best thing that has happened to them in a long while.  Besides, it can't be fun to work in a place named for a press secretary who was shot in the head.

I wish I'd said it:  SPRINGTIME FOR TWITLER.  Good night, and good grief.





  

America: A Vision

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night...but then he was replaced by a different dream. 

It's Inauguration Day and noon is approaching.  Melania Trump, determined not to be upstaged by her stepdaughter for once, has had her silicon implants upgraded from Malibu Barbie to Dolly Parton, but she isn't used to them yet.  She stands up, holding the Bible -- a top quality Bible, absolutely the best Bible, believe me.  She stumbles on her six-inch heels and the right boob pops out.  Hits John Roberts in the temple.  Knocks him cold. 

Hillary has a very distinctive laugh and it now begins to echo off the marble.  She makes no effort to control it.  Why should she?  The microphones pick it up and carry it all over the Mall.  Struggling to get control of her mammary, Melania drops the Bible; Pence picks it up and cradles it like a baby.  Paramedics rush to Roberts, while Kellyann Conway jumps loyally in front of FPOTUS.  Just then the other boob breaks free with a cartoon "DOI-OI-OING!" 

Hillary has slipped off her chair, laughing helplessly.  Bill tries to pick her up but he's laughing, too.  Bush is trying to hold it in, but a bubble of snot has appeared in one nostril.  Laura searches for a tissue, silently blessing the inventor of adult diapers.  The Obamas are cool, as always, yet vibrating slightly.  They don't dare look at each other, or at Joe Biden, who is having some kind of coughing fit. 

With the help of a Marine and some duct tape, Kellyann has corralled FPOTUS inside her dress and coat.  Trump, meanwhile, has pulled out his phone and is tweeting something incoherent about Rosie O'Donnell, or Rosie Perez, or Rosie Grier -- anyway, it seems to calm him, like Captain Queeg with his ball bearings.  Melania tries to take the Bible back from Pence.  They seem to be struggling for it.  Apparently there was no time to have it gold-plated, so it was sprayed with the same yellow paint that is applied to Trump's head and is now stuck to the vice-presidential hands.  After a minute, she pries it loose. 

Roberts is back on his feet but groggy.  He begins to administer the Boy Scout Oath.  Trump, who has never read any part of the Constitution, parrots it back, punctuated by hiccups from an exhausted Hillary:  "On my honor I will do my best [HIC!] to do my duty to God and my country [HIC!]..."

Soon, Trump has been sworn in as a Boy Scout.  The leader of the Marine Band, like the commandant of the District of Columbia National Guard and the guy who announces the parade floats, was fired this week.  The band tries to strike up "Hail to the Chief" but they sound like Spike Jones and His City Slickers, and after a few bars they give up.

Eight hundred miles away an elderly couple sit in front of the television, wiping tears of laughter from their faces.  Jimmy turns to Rosalynn and says, "I told you we should have gone."   

Donald and his very good brain #3

"They don't know it yet but they're going to pay for the wall.  On day one we will begin working on an impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful southern wall."   (A powerful wall?)

Well, maybe not.  Now we learn of the End Illegal Immigration Act, which "fully funds construction of a wall on our southern border...with the full understanding that the country of Mexico will be reimbursing the United States for the full cost of such a wall." 

Whose "full understanding"?  When was this pact signed?   How will it be enforced?  Sounds like Joe and Jane Scratchcards will be laying out ten to forty billion dollars with no real prospect of getting it back, beyond the promise of a known liar.  Factor in the additional burden of tax cuts for the rich and the additional medical costs created by the destruction of the Affordable Care Act and the potential gutting of Medicare and, well, that had better be a hell of a wall. 

Unless we just send Mexico (ATTN:  National Treasury) a bill on the first of the month, mixed in with the gas bill and the phone bill, and hope they pay it without looking too closely at it.  As you do.

On a totally unrelated note, the Washington, D.C., Trump Trivago is being sued for over five million dollars by contractors who have not been paid.  May as well tack that on to the wall bill.  By then, the financial affairs of the United States and the Trump Organization will be hopelessly tangled anyway.   

Happy new year, same as the old year

Less than a week after it began, 2017 has seen its first mass shooting, eleven people in the Ft. Lauderdale airport, five dead.  The shooter's name was quickly given as Esteban Santiago, an army veteran from New Jersey, at which five million Muslims sighed with relief.  The people who determine such things have yet to declare whether this was an act of "terrorism" or not, which begs the question, "What the hell else was it?"  Shooting a lot of random strangers is always terrorism, whether you were "radicalized" by ISIS or Alex Jones or Sesame Street.  The only way to curb this kind of thing is to forget about the motivation and concentrate on the act, which would scarcely have been possible without a gun.

We always end up back here.  For the last eight year every atrocity has been followed by shrieks of
"Obama is coming to take your guns!" which has been followed by the sound of revving engines as the Second Amendment People raced to Annie's Get-Your-Gun* to stock up against the impending confiscation.  No one ever came for their guns, of course, but it's like the Rapture -- they just know it's coming, soon.  Clearly that particular ploy won't work any more, and I admit I'm curious to see how Wayne LaPierre and the murder lobby plan to keep gun sales prosperous in the age of the short-fingered vulgarian.  Already we have the spread of "open carry" laws in states that like to encourage gunplay in churches, malls, restaurants and schools.  (And airports.  Yes, Florida has such a law.  Need you even ask?)  An obvious next step would be "compulsory carry" laws requiring folks to be locked and loaded whenever they leave the house, with the possibility of exemptions for Buddhists, Quakers and the blind.  Knowing that all African Americans are armed, as opposed to just assuming it, opens up all kinds of law-enforcement opportunities, too. 

You think I'm being snarky as usual?  Well, I'm not.  As Andy Richter wrote, "It's a great time to be alive if you're dumb and mean."  Staying alive is going to get a lot trickier.



*An actual store patronized by last year's Santa Barbara mass murderers.       

Donald and his very good brain #2

"I don't care what they say, no computer is safe.   I have a boy who's ten years old, he can do anything with a computer.  You want something to really go without detection, write it out and have it sent by courier."

"SEAL Team Six to Command, we are in the compound, repeat, we are in the compound.  Do we go on bin Laden?"

"Negative, Six, wait for courier from C in C.  Should arrive tomorrow pm.  Try to hide three massive helicopters until then.  Over."

"Courier?  The fuck?"

Someone could try explaining encryption to the idiot if he ever finds time in his schedule of parties and rallies for an intelligence briefing.  Trouble is, he trusts no one outside the family.  So brief the ten-year-old and ask him to describe the world to Daddy, using small words and toy soldiers.  Or enjoy the mental picture of couriers racing through the tall grass, carrying notes in cleft sticks.   I do.