Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I hate February

What we have here is a month most people can't pronounce (correctly), with miserable weather, that begins with a fat rodent being dragged out of his house by silly men in top hats and ends with Rossini's birthday every fourth year. In between, we watch Guess Who's Coming To Dinner and try not to cringe.

I see that the Superbowl has been moved to February, which means the football season is now longer than the baseball season. I did not watch the Superbowl; I was chosen to be in the control group. I understand it was won by the New Orleans Saints, which makes up for Hurricane Katrina, somehow. I did see part of their victory parade, in which the players rode on Mardi Gras floats and tossed beads to the spectators; unfortunately -- or not, depending on your priorities -- it was too cold in New Orleans for women to fling open their shirts. Also, I believe there was some controversy about an ad where Betty White refused to have an abortion.

Speaking of catastrophe, the one in Haiti seems to be over. I say this because the "news" is all about record snowfall in Baltimore and the shutdown of the federal government, this time without the connivance of Newt Gingrich. Several American fatalities have been reported. More amusingly, there is a snow shortage in Vancouver, where the Winter Olympics will open in two days. Actually, Vancouver enjoys relatively mild winters, something the IOC apparently did not realize when they chose the city. Or perhaps they did. In the words of my spiritual adviser, Rick Blaine, "A bribe has worked before." But after all, it's the Olympics, not D-Day. The future of the world will not be changed if the Women's Downhill All-In Cross-Country Mogul has to be postponed. And the figure skating will take place indoors, so all the late-night jesters should get up to speed on their Jon Weir sexual orientation jokes.

Early this morning there was a 3.8 earthquake in Illinois. I know. Californians don't stop eating soup for anything less than a 4.5, but midwesterners were shocked and awed.

Next week Romans will celebrate Lupercalia, bastardized by the Christians into the Feast of St. Valentine. Can I say bastard? Yes, it's retarded we are no longer permitted to say. In future, the differently developmentally specially challenged will be referred to as Republicans.

Like every other non-Amish American, I know way too much about show business, so I happen to know this is Sweeps Month, when the television networks try to inflate their ratings by showing new episodes of everything. They then use these fictitious ratings numbers to calculate how much to charge advertisers to sell their dog food, their prescription drugs and their senatorial candidates. For some reason, the advertisers go along with this. But it makes February a little more tolerable for the rest of us.

I hate it anyway.


Blogger M. Bouffant said...

I've always been amused by sweeps mos. Advertisers are as dumb as their adverts.

And it can't last more than 29 days.

11:43 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home