Friday, January 22, 2010


Really, David Remnick? When did you decide to improve The New Yorker with the creepiest, ugliest cover art you could find? All right, you win, I can't wait for the annual Eustace Tilly issue. Although if January 25 is anything to go by, it will be Vampire Eustace Tilly. Is that what you're going for, the teenagers who read those stupid Twilight books? (Remember when we got all encouraged that children were reading Harry Potter, that they would line up to buy a book? Look what they graduated to. Never get encouraged.)

Really, Massachusetts? The calendar boy with Sarah Palin's brainlet? Why not make Jeff Gannon your next governor?

Really, NBC? Are you still even a network? You know that nobody now gives a crap whether The Tonight Show is hosted by Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien or the re-animated corpse of Jack Paar. You still have one good show that hasn't been on the air for fifty years. I assume you'll fire Alec Baldwin next. Twenty-four hours before he wins another Emmy. By the way, nobody gives a crap about winter Olympics, either.

Really, Congress? Never mind, you know exactly what I mean. Don't look at the ceiling. You know.

Really, Andy Martin? Is that the best you can do? After the glorious foolery of the "birther" hoax, you tell us that Obama's parents weren't really married? First of all, being illegitimate wouldn't disqualify him from being president. Second, I wish it were true. He needs to be more of a bastard. Less of this "malice toward none," and a lot more LBJ arm-twisting and ass-kicking. And Andy, you need to go off your meds again. Hey, fly over Massachusetts and throw the pills out the window.

Really, Vatican? Are you prepared to let that woman throw a flying tackle on your pope every Christmas Eve? Isn't there a list? Shouldn't she be on it? Not that I care. She's pretty good. The Giants should invite her to camp.

And speaking of lists, really, Transportation Safety Administration? Mikey is eight and he's on a no-fly list. Do you think he has explosives in his Underroos?



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