Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Slut and nothing but

Could everyone please stop picking on Rush Limbaugh?

He's doing the best he can. Radio Asshole is not his regular job. His regular job, the last time he held one, was dreaming up promotions for the Kansas City Royals. And he was conscientious and creative, until the Liberal Media got him fired over Ten Cent Oxycontin Night. Remember that game? In the bottom of the sixth they started to cover the infield, only to discover that it wasn't actually raining -- it was the fans in the upper deck, drooling. Nobody was willing to admit that, in the post-George Brett era, the only way to watch that team is doped off your ass.

So now he has four hours of radio time to fill, five days a week, and an audience of knuckle-dragging morons. What is he supposed to do, read the Federalist Papers? Invite calls about the Greek economic crisis, which not even Greeks understand? It is an axiom of radio that you never talk over the heads of your listeners, so he's reduced to shouting "slut" and "witch" and other one-syllable words. So many one-syllable words are proscribed by the FCC that it must be tempting to just turn off the microphone and play music. Rush doesn't do that. He perseveres. I've seen video of him in the studio, sweating, bellowing, red-faced, risking another heart attack, but staying at his post like David Bowie at the Alamo.

All I'm saying, don't judge the man until you've sat in his chair puddle for a day.

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Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thursday school

The Buttermilk Sky organization is calling for a moratorium on "douche" and related terms, including "douche bag" and "douche nozzle." We recognize that it is fun to say and was never included in the FCC's list of proscribed words, but, hey, enough. It is, after all, just French for "shower," and it refers to an antiquated form of feminine hygiene unknown to any woman under the age of fifty. Are douche bags still made and sold? We suspect they have gone the way of the red rubber enema bag and the linen baby diaper. We also detect an overtone of sexism in calling everyone who behaves in a sleazy or idiotic manner a "douche." And frankly, we're just tired of hearing it.

Here is a list of suggested alternatives:

  • herring-sniffer
  • sneeze guard
  • flatulist
  • mugwump
  • schlafly
  • teabigot
  • fleashit
  • clonehead

Thank you for your cooperation.

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