Your Sunday Tabloid

You may have heard the National Enquirer has launched a digital version because there isn't enough utter garbage on the 'net now.  So we bring you the most unlikely stories of the week with just one proviso -- these are real.

Police in Kenya have exhumed twenty-one bodies near the town of Malindi and expect to find many more.  They are investigating a Christian preacher named Paul Mackenzie Nthenge who told his flock to starve themselves during Lent to "meet Jesus."  Turns out you pretty much have to be Jesus to go without food for forty days.

Six dead cows with their tongues cut out were discovered beside a highway in Madison County, Texas.  The sheriff says he's baffled, because he hasn't looked online for tongue recipes.  Yum!

Robert Jones, 79, died of a heart attack while cruising on the Celebrity Equinox last summer.  For some reason his body was stored in a beverage cooler instead of the morgue, and when it was retrieved it was in no shape for an open-casket funeral, according to his wife Marilyn.  She is suing for a million dollars.

The violent criminals who "volunteered" for service with the Wagner Group in Ukraine are returning to their homes with fresh presidential pardons.  Additionally Putin has signed legislation making it a crime to criticize them.  The bodies are already piling up.

When this was published last week it was still amusing.  Then a couple delivering groceries for Instacart drove to the wrong address in Southwest Ranches (Davie), Florida, and found themselves being pursued by a man with a gun.  He fired at their car, hitting it several times as they fled.

Gerald Drake has pleaded guilty to planting a pipe bomb at Cedar Creek Battlefield, Virginia, in 2017.  Initially Drake, a Civil War re-enactor until expelled from his unit in 2014, had tried to blame antifa.

The pandemic is officially over in Japan and the "crying sumo" is taking place at shrines and temples.  The purpose of this exercise seems to be making babies cry by putting on a demon mask and scaring them.  Goes back centuries, it says here.

 

After being arrested on a misdemeanor charge Lashawn Thompson was determined to be schizophrenic but physically healthy.  He was deposited in a filthy cell last September and died three months later from being eaten by bedbugs.  The Fulton County sheriff's office is investigating but I can save them some time -- it's Fani Willis's fault.

Obligatory for World Books Day 2023: