Schlapp yourself silly

 It's on!  Right now!  CPAP CPAC is happening in, uh, National Harbor, Maryland, the place they booked before Wes Moore was elected governor.  Today is the third day and this is what you missed:

"God is great!  Beer is good!  And the United States is star-spangled awesome!"  Keynote address by John Futzaround Kennedy of Louisiana.  Oxford man. 

"[Democrats] don't want any gender.  They want one gender."  Coach Tommy Tuberville.  Leaves you wanting more, doesn't it?  Here:  "All of this woke, transgender athletes, CRT, 1619.  We don't teach reading, writing and arithmetic anymore.  You know, half the kids in this country, when they graduate, can't read the diploma."  Says the Senator who couldn't name the three branches of the federal government, conflating all Americans with the Auburn football team.

"The Democrat Party -- honestly, it's demonic.  Allowing three-year-olds to make permanent life-altering decisions when they couldn't buy a pack of cigarettes for another fifteen years."  Junior Trump, who thinks toddlers are having gender-affirming surgery without even getting mom's permission.  Junior, what did Jamie Raskin say about the difference between nouns and adjectives?  (And should you have told this crowd that Daddy doesn't need money?)  Quite a twofer, getting the classy crowd to boo Volodymyr Zelenskyy and laugh at "vegetable" John Fetterman.  I think you're ready to play the Palace.  The Winter Palace in St. Petersburg.

Ted Cruz took advantage of the roomful of pumpkinheads to hawk his podcast and sign them up.  Really.  He demanded they pull out their phones and text a number.  Right now!  Where's your phone, RINO?  (Power's out in Texas again so Ted can't go home.)

Jack Brewer, NFL player turned moralist, insisted that "every single public, private school give parents the option to give their kids the gospel of Jesus Christ."  He also wants to "bring the paddle back in these schools."  So we can picture his home life, what with the paddling and the praying.  I'm pretty sure parents already have a gospel option.  Why involve the schools?  It's all they can do to teach reading to future Auburn players.

Matt Schlapp brought his wife and had her talk and everything, to prove that it's all a big lie about him schlapping the genitals of a Herschel Walker staffer during the campaign.  See?  Female wife.  Her name is Mercy.

Mark Green (R-TN), who used to be a medical doctor, assured the crowd that if they so much as touch a dollar bill with fentanyl on it, they're dead.  (Fentanyl is a major obsession this year.)  What about a five?  Why would anyone have a Republican for a doctor?  

Kimberly Guilfoyle urged the marks attendees to cash in their retirement funds and buy gold.  A free copy of Ben Stein's book with your first order!

Here's the crowd at the EnormoDome.  I know, they finally adopt social distancing, right?  Probably shouldn't have banned Nick Fuentes, who set up his own Really Real CPAC, creaming off half the crowd.

Don't worry, Benedict Donald is coming, minus his back-up singers.  He recorded "Justice For All" with the J6 political prisoners, who continue to languish in Merrick Garland's gulag.  You can probably find it on YouTube.  No link.  If it doesn't win all the Grammys we'll know they're rigged.

No doubt he'll want to talk about his scheme for a chain of futuristic cities, where parents will be paid to grind out (white) babies, "hives of industry" will magically appear and people will get around by those jetpacks we've been promised since the 1939 World's Fair.  He has many good ideas, like "Tax China to build America" and "Mexico will pay for the wall."  

These people say Joe Biden is senile.