Clownish gangster

 

MSNBC kept showing Hair Farce One parked at the airport in West Palm Beach, and for a while I assumed he would be lamming out for Moscow or some other pre-arranged hideout.  As of this hour, apparently not.  No one has seen The Indictment yet but thirty-four counts seems like a lot.  He probably wishes he hadn't falsified business records to hide the payment -- for that's the gist of it, I'm told -- and for once paid a bill himself.  Or at least created another enterprise to scam the marks, like the charitable foundation that was later forced to dissolve, or the risible University, or some patch of waste ground he could call a park, overvalue by millions and hand to the state.  Regrets, regrets.  The costliest copulation in history has swept whatever Monica Lewinsky did gratis for Bill Clinton off the map.

Also, Clinton had too much sense to pose for a "Hey, look what I nailed!" photo.  I don't often feel sympathy for stars of the sex film industry but imagine having all that lard on top of you for even ninety seconds.  It looks like he takes his teeth out, too.

It's important to remember that adultery has not been a crime for many years, so the prurience, while fun, is not the point.  It's a lifetime of flouted laws coupled with the certainty that being a rich white man, at least on paper, will make it all go away.  When the trial is over, we'll see.  Equal justice has always been an aspiration rather than a reality.  

If you think I'm gloomy today, read what David Remnick has to say.  If you're on the wrong side of The New Yorker's paywall like me, Lawyers, Guns & Money can help.

All right.  Now let's have some fun.

March came in like a mangy lion but is going out like a mummer's parade.  (Gotta love New Year's in Philly.)  Trump's enraged tweeting isn't even the funniest, most demented response, and that's saying a lot.  Let's hope he doesn't sprain his thumbs before Tuesday's fingerprinting.

As you can see, Junior's taking it hard while continuing to prop up Bolivia's unofficial economy.  "This is stuff that would make Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot, it would make them blush!"  It's "Communist level shit!"  I was wondering why he omitted Hitler.  

Nobody seems to have omitted the Napoleon of crime.  If your angry tweet did not reference "Soros-backed DA Alvin Bragg" you probably have him confused with George Santos.  Mr. Soros is the only rich person in America, it seems, who is not allowed to donate to political candidates as Peter Thiel, Charles Koch, Ginni Thomas, Richard and Elizabeth Uihlein, Jeffrey Yass, Miriam Adelson and Kenneth Griffin do.  None of them is ever described as a "globalist," either, nudge nudge.  

Lindsey Graham turned on the tears at Fox News, which shares his love-hate-love-hate relationship to Trump, pleading for money to start some kind of legal defense.  He babbled about "voodoo" while someone in the Hannity audience laughed.  (The Fox audience must be tapped out by now, but Social Security checks will land next week.)  Margie Greene threatened to come to New York personally on Tuesday; it's not clear if she plans to ride a white horse and lead an army of patriots like Joan of Arc.  Ted Cruz hasn't seen the indictment, either, but he knows "The Founders are weeping."  Speaking of St. Joan, the term "witch hunt" has lost all meaning from overuse.  

Then there were the threats.  Statutory Gaetz is worried about "America's brand" because he thinks we're a soft drink company.  Considering that the former president of France is going to prison for corruption and the president of Russia has been indicted for war crimes, I'm thinking we can finally hold up our heads.  But go on.  "They will regret doing this," muttered Josh Hawley before running away.  "The @HouseGOP will hold Alvin Bragg accountable," raged Elise Stefanik, perhaps unaware that it already tried.  Even a committee chairman smarter than Gym Jordan would have failed.  Or maybe she meant that Massie or Ogle would send one of kids around to shoot him.

Ron DeSantis left off leading a rehearsal of "Freedonia's Gone To War!" long enough to promise that the People's Republic of Florida "will not assist in the extradition" of Trump, even though lawyer Joey Tacos has promised voluntary surrender.  It cost him nothing so he was happy to help.  The Florida Election Commandos may now stand down. 

At this point I know you're wondering, "What about the other princeling?"   Eric visited Hannity to whine, "At some point, the guy deserves a pass!"  Innocent people don't need passes, Spare, despite your automatic invoking of Hillary Clinton and SpongeSean chiming in with "Hunter Biden's laptop!"  They're lower on ammunition than the Russian army.

I suppose it's time to hear directly from Individual One.  He's been "INDICATED."

 

The red, white and blue face paint is new, I think.  His identification with "OUR COUNTRY" is complete.  Did you know this is an attack "THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE"?  We must hope al Qaeda doesn't read that as an invitation to double down on 9/11.

As if Trump would care if they did.