Broken brains

 Sorry you've been wasting your time, David Hogg.  It wasn't the easy availability of guns.  Relax, Scot Peterson, you're off the hook for cowering outside Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.  Now we know why seventeen people died that day, and as usual, it's the fault of a woman.  Nikolas Cruz's biological mother Brenda Woodard gave him an "irretrievably broken" brain when she consumed "bum wine, crack cocaine and cigarettes" during her pregnancy.  In other words, lock her up!

See how easy that was?  Behind every mass murderer there's a mother who wouldn't take the pre-natal vitamins.  It sounds like a case for compulsory abortion.  There's no telling how many future Jacks the Ripper are roaming around out there.  Since the Opus Dei court does not recognize any woman's right to privacy it should be easy to identify and prevent them.

While leafing through Teen Vogue Lauren Boebert came across a poll showing that 46 percent of college freshman would prefer not to share a room with someone who voted differently in 2020, and she was incensed!  "I bet these are the same kids [Democrats] who like to talk about tolerance and tell people that they're all about good vibes," she tweeted.  Wow, really, good vibes?  Like would they ask you to turn down the Beach Boys LP so they can read Karl Marx?  Or would they just prefer not to room with someone who keeps a Glock under her pillow, whose boyfriend shows up drunk and exposes himself?  Not groovy.

Three police in Mulberry, Arkansas, have been suspended for pounding the daylights out of a white man.  The woman who filmed it is lucky she wasn't next.  I wonder what their mothers did while pregnant.

Ron Johnson from Wisconsin claims today's Sergeant Schultz prize.  Asked about the January 6 insurrection, he insisted, "I had virtually no involvement.  My involvement lasted seconds."  Then he blamed an intern and a "massive conspiracy" by the House Select Committee.  Because victory has a thousand fathers and defeat is an orphan.* 

  

It's Monday, time for John Fetterman to own Mehmet Oz.  The TV doc inexplicably failed to erase a 2013 tweet about feces ("What does your 'poop' say about your health?") from his Twitter page.  No way that was getting past.  "When I say we need to make more shit in America, this is not what I mean," Fetterman responded.  Trump is now worried that Oz will make him look bad when he loses bigly.  I'd like to hear more about that "poop."

According to the Republicans the additional funding for the Internal Revenue Service in the IRA is the worst thing to happen to America since ever.  They stalk the airwaves and the social media describing jackbooted accountants breaking down doors and snatching meemaw's egg money.  Rick Scott warned accountants not to even apply for those jackboot jobs because the new Republican House will surely defund them.  It was left to Chuck Todd, of all people, to apply a little common sense when he told a raving Andy Barr, "Just stop cheating on your taxes, Congressman."  Now how did he know that?

Forced-birther Melissa Leavitt didn't like the results of the Kansas referendum on abortion and demanded a recount.  Choice still won by eighteen percentage points.  Time to call the Cyber Ninjas.  Oh, wait.

Trump's legal team wants a special bastard to review the stolen documents recovered from his basement.  I'm sorry, that should be special master.  

Will Riley June Williams, alleged thief of Nancy Pelosi's laptop, be allowed off the house-arrest leash to join the other neo-Nazis at the Lancaster County Renaissance Faire?   I heard you, you said something that sounded like "What the actual fuck?"  I heard it.  We'll have to wait and see.

I was going to mention Herschel Walker and his thoughts on trees, but that's enough brain-breaking for today.

*Attributed to John F. Kennedy so probably Ted Sorensen.