Solved!

 At last we know what happened to all those American cities that vanished last summer -- they were vaporized by Black Lives Matter.  That comes directly from Lara Trump, incubator of Eric-spawn and your next Senator, North Carolina, with the imprimatur of Fox News ("You give us twenty-five years, we'll give you the end of the republican experiment").  She arrived angry about the Justice Department providing security requested by school board members who didn't sign up for death threats and assaults.  Because Merrick Garland's jack-booted thugs are coming to take your guns freedom.  "If you want to go after people, how about cops that were murdered?  How about complete and entire cities that were destroyed?" she demanded.  That's why I never hear from anyone in Kenosha anymore.  Gone.  Damn.

Of course, no police were shot in Kenosha.  Jacob Blake was shot by Officer Rusten Sheskey and is paralyzed below the waist, and federal prosecutors have declined to file charges.  Kyle Rittenhouse's mom drove him over from Illinois so he could kill two people and wound a third, but it turns out he was just doing some nocturnal hunting and they looked like rabbits or whatever you hunt at night in a city.  It's hard to tell what with Kenosha being burned to the ground.  

America's white supremacists got a few suggestions on strategy from a Tory MP named Jonathan Gullis.  He believes that just using the term "white privilege" makes you a terrorist who should be reported to the government's counterterrorist program Prevent.  Moreover, teachers who say anything critical of the Conservative Party must be fired.  Expressing support for the European Union?  Death or exile.  I made that last one up because it hasn't occurred to him yet.

Meanwhile we've got a Scorpions-in-a-Bottle double event.  Mickey Flynn has long been a favorite of QAnon, until they noticed him leading a prayer meeting at some cult center in Nebraska and had an epiphany:  The general is a Satanist!  Which for some reason is incompatible with Qism.  I never would have guessed.  Will Mike have to choose between the Q Continuum and the I AM outfit?  It's a nailbiter for sure.

And it couldn't come at a worse time, for there is another disturbance in the farce.  Which archnutter sits nearer the Trump throne, Margie Greene or Lin Wood?  Prepare for war in heaven as Wood calls Greene "a communist."  Unless you're a lawyer who's taken a lot of blows to the head it's a little hard to follow Wood's argument but here goes.  Greene has called for Joe Biden's impeachment, which implies that he is actually the President which NO NO NOTNOTNOT!  Moreover you can't impeach him with "a communist Congress" because they take their orders from the Politburo or something.  "A traitor will come at you as a patriot.  Be careful," Wood warned darkly.  Margie responded by accusing Wood of stealing money that patriots donated for the defense of his client, Kyle "Nimrod" Rittenhouse.  She's flailing, or she would have linked him to David Icke's Lizard People which, I'm sorry to say, is not a zydeco-ska band.  We expect more from you, Margie.  It's not like you're busy with committees or any other actual work.

Look, the Lizard People are getting things done.  They talked Anthony Warner into bombing a chunk of downtown Nashville last Christmas.  They warned Matthew Coleman about his children's serpent DNA so he could save the world from them.  Queen Elizabeth is immortal -- she's the Lizard Queen.  (Sorry, Charles.)  I'm not sure why Robert DeNiro dressed up as an Uzbek homeopath and shot Malala Yousafzai, but I'll take their word for it.  Does Jonathan Gullis know David Icke?  Anyone who asks that question must be on the Soros payroll.

This is an albino squirrel.  Need I say more?