Silver lining playbook
It's an ill wind. Wilbur Ross didn't want to take a "victory lap" about the coronavirus influenza, but did so anyway, assuring Fox Business aficionados that companies will be fleeing epidemic China and re-opening their factories here in the USA. He stopped short of congratulating the Stable Jenius for causing the outbreak, but it was implied. Obama would never have killed 170 Chinese for the good of American workers because he was always playing golf and ordering more tan suits. That guy didn't have a clue about making America great again.
When he got back to the Commerce Department, where he is preserved in formaldehyde, Wilbur began calling around to make sure those previously outsourced jobs would pay a good Chinese wage to Americans, who are free to make up the difference through dog-walking and babysitting; and that the companies could get no-interest loans -- no, make it grants -- to cover their moving and relocation expenses. After all, it's not the Labor Department. A good day's work.
There is as yet no vaccine for this deadly strain of flu -- or is there? Card-carrying QAnons are promoting the cure-all of the twenty-first century, Miracle Mineral Solution, also known as bleach. It's already effective against HIV, diabetes, cancer, autism, and the rockin' pneumonia, so why not the boogie woogie flu? Bleach does kill viruses. During the AIDS epidemic, IV drug users were urged to clean their needles with it. Taken internally, it's about as useful as the mercury ingested by nineteenth century syphilitics, and just as dangerous. If the QAnon Continuum want to chug bleach, I'll kick in for a Clorox party. The concern is that they'll feed it to children and other innocent bystanders.
"When I call, they kiss my ass," Trump told supporters back in 2016 and when he's right, he's right. For the low price of a $25,000 "campaign contribution" from the Trump "Foundation" to stop investigating Trump "University," Florida attorney general Pam Bondi found herself obligated to pucker up. "One day -- and that day may never come -- I may call upon you for a favor." It came yesterday, when Bondi favored the Senate with some word-salad about Hunter Biden that invited (and got) plenty of ridicule. Luckily for Florida, she is no longer charged with enforcing their laws. She's on Qatar's payroll now, because they pay better than the DOJ.
The White House sent a threatening letter to John Bolton forbidding him to publish his book because it's full of classified information, while simultaneously denouncing him as a liar and a Deep State plant. This concludes today's installment of "Kafka Saw It Coming."
Trump was obsessed with Princess Diana and frequently sent her flowers. Diana's response can be gauged by the amount of time she reportedly spent crouched over the toilet. Never one to forget a slight, the Orange One has authorized the end of a ban on land mines, one of her best-known causes. It's a good thing Obama didn't have an anti-mustard gas policy.
It's not just the windmill cancer -- now Trump has another reason to hate the wind.
Slumlord-in-law Jared Kushner has the Middle East figured out because he's read twenty-five books on the subject. By coincidence, that's exactly how I became an expert on Kinsey Milhone. (Sue Grafton died before she could write a twenty-sixth.) My book-learning will never affect a living person, but Kushner has sorted out this whole Palestine business without having to consult a single Palestinian. Soon the impeached president will meet the indicted prime minister to sign away the last of their rights. By coincidence, third-party arrogance started the whole mess back in 1919, when three politicians met in Paris and drew a map of the post-Ottoman Middle East. Rules for Assholes says, "First, never learn from history."
The people of Puerto Rico have had enough. After the recent earthquake, someone stumbled across warehouses full of food and water that were supposed to be distributed after Hurricane Maria. People constructed a wooden model guillotine and hauled it through the streets of San Juan to the governor's residence. In modestly related news, the Museum of London will display the undergarment worn by Charles I at his execution next fall, just in time for the first Brexit repercussions. Because you axed for it!
I'll show myself out.
When he got back to the Commerce Department, where he is preserved in formaldehyde, Wilbur began calling around to make sure those previously outsourced jobs would pay a good Chinese wage to Americans, who are free to make up the difference through dog-walking and babysitting; and that the companies could get no-interest loans -- no, make it grants -- to cover their moving and relocation expenses. After all, it's not the Labor Department. A good day's work.
There is as yet no vaccine for this deadly strain of flu -- or is there? Card-carrying QAnons are promoting the cure-all of the twenty-first century, Miracle Mineral Solution, also known as bleach. It's already effective against HIV, diabetes, cancer, autism, and the rockin' pneumonia, so why not the boogie woogie flu? Bleach does kill viruses. During the AIDS epidemic, IV drug users were urged to clean their needles with it. Taken internally, it's about as useful as the mercury ingested by nineteenth century syphilitics, and just as dangerous. If the QAnon Continuum want to chug bleach, I'll kick in for a Clorox party. The concern is that they'll feed it to children and other innocent bystanders.
"When I call, they kiss my ass," Trump told supporters back in 2016 and when he's right, he's right. For the low price of a $25,000 "campaign contribution" from the Trump "Foundation" to stop investigating Trump "University," Florida attorney general Pam Bondi found herself obligated to pucker up. "One day -- and that day may never come -- I may call upon you for a favor." It came yesterday, when Bondi favored the Senate with some word-salad about Hunter Biden that invited (and got) plenty of ridicule. Luckily for Florida, she is no longer charged with enforcing their laws. She's on Qatar's payroll now, because they pay better than the DOJ.
The White House sent a threatening letter to John Bolton forbidding him to publish his book because it's full of classified information, while simultaneously denouncing him as a liar and a Deep State plant. This concludes today's installment of "Kafka Saw It Coming."
Trump was obsessed with Princess Diana and frequently sent her flowers. Diana's response can be gauged by the amount of time she reportedly spent crouched over the toilet. Never one to forget a slight, the Orange One has authorized the end of a ban on land mines, one of her best-known causes. It's a good thing Obama didn't have an anti-mustard gas policy.
It's not just the windmill cancer -- now Trump has another reason to hate the wind.
Slumlord-in-law Jared Kushner has the Middle East figured out because he's read twenty-five books on the subject. By coincidence, that's exactly how I became an expert on Kinsey Milhone. (Sue Grafton died before she could write a twenty-sixth.) My book-learning will never affect a living person, but Kushner has sorted out this whole Palestine business without having to consult a single Palestinian. Soon the impeached president will meet the indicted prime minister to sign away the last of their rights. By coincidence, third-party arrogance started the whole mess back in 1919, when three politicians met in Paris and drew a map of the post-Ottoman Middle East. Rules for Assholes says, "First, never learn from history."
The people of Puerto Rico have had enough. After the recent earthquake, someone stumbled across warehouses full of food and water that were supposed to be distributed after Hurricane Maria. People constructed a wooden model guillotine and hauled it through the streets of San Juan to the governor's residence. In modestly related news, the Museum of London will display the undergarment worn by Charles I at his execution next fall, just in time for the first Brexit repercussions. Because you axed for it!
I'll show myself out.
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 6:18 PM
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