Is this thing on?

I've never had a colonoscopy, and I'm in the age group for which it's recommended. You can guess the reasons I've put it off -- time, money, fear.  But now I see from the television commercials (where I get most of my medical information) that a company called Cologuard will examine your, uh, stool and alert you to abnormalities.  No fuss, not much mess, and you were going to dispose of it anyway so why not use the US mail?  I had to go to the post office in any case, to send my DNA to Ancestry.com and finally, definitively, find out who I am.

Unfortunately, I mixed up the samples.  I sent saliva to Cologuard and shit to Ancestry.  This morning Ancestry told me I'm related to Donald Trump.

Thank you, I'm here all day, every day.  Try the organic cauliflower!