Wednesday, May 31, 2017

All the ships at sea

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-GrandTheftAuto) appears on the roof of his office building a) to avoid constituents, b) to photograph constituents, or c) to end his wasted life with a grand gesture, if possible taking several constituents with him.  No, in a minute he loses his nerve and goes back inside.

Flash!  Donald Trump returns from hostile Europe to friendly confines of White House and celebrates by inventing amazing new word, "covfefe," already a top word.  Speculations about its meaning grip Internetland, some remarkably optimistic (Russian for "I resign").  Others point out that Trump does most tweeting on golden throne, and this may be the result of involuntary muscle spasms accompanying hard-won shit.  Renewed calls for tweets to be vetted by lawyers and English teachers, and possibly a psychiatrist.

Sean Hannity back on Fox News promising to continue investigation of murder-conspiracy theory he made up concerning death of Seth Rich.  Says Rich family wants him to, because they keep asking him to stop.  Proposes boycott of Rachel Maddow show because she is kicking his ass in ratings.

Trump Nazis plan demonstrations in Portland, Oregon, to support radical Christian terrorist Jeremy Christian (really his name) who was indicted for murder yesterday.  He allegedly killed Ricky John Best and Taliesin Namkai-Meche, and attempted to kill Micah Fletcher, when they came to the defense of two Muslim women he was harassing on a train.  Trump Nazis must be allowed to gather, says First Amendment, to mayor's chagrin, and Portlanders must be allowed to laugh at them.

Leaders of European Union countries still trying to shake off first encounter with Trump.  Charles Michel, prime minister of Belgium, says Trump told him he dislikes EU because it takes too long to get permits to build golf courses.  Stupid democracies!  In well-run countries like Russia you break ground as soon as "application fee" is deposited in Panamanian bank.

Memorial Day at Arlington:  Trump entertains/appals dignitaries by grinning and performing a little dance to National Anthem, later manages to lay wreath without using golf cart.  So...hailed for being "presidential," although John F. Kennedy, Jr., age three, displayed more dignity in saluting his father's casket.  President Stamina had to use golf cart to keep up with EU leaders (and "Justin from Canada") in Taormina, Sicily.  (Bone spurs acting up?)  Meanwhile Hillary Clinton marches in Chappaqua, New York, Memorial Day parade.

Ivanka Trump proposes "celebrating" Memorial Day with "champagne popsicles."  Nothing says "last full measure of devotion" like frozen bubbles on a stick.

James Comey admits he investigated Clinton emails yet again based on Facebook post he suspected was bullshit.  Because appearances.  Promises to testify publicly and under oath about whole sorry mess, because his reward for tilting the election was firing, threats and public abuse. 

White House "war room" to devote all its energy to denying Russia connections.  ("Witch hunt," "fabricated lies," etc.  Will no one rid them of this troublesome press?)  We can now predict the day the fan will be hit:  When Jared Kushner decides he's too pretty to go to prison.  He might have to share a cell with a rapist, or a murderer, or a tenant from one of his slum buildings.  Let's make a deal!  Make sure Trump Force One is gassed up and has a list of countries that don't extradite.

Scoop!  Trump to demand escalator for Air Force One.  Says Germany will pay for it. 



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