Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sweetness and light

After months of being characterized as a Muslim (the new "Commie"), Barack Obama seems determined to prove he is a Christian. A turn-the-other-cheek, forgive-those-who-trespass-against-us Christian, too, in the mold of Martin Luther King rather than Jeremiah Wright. And those of us who voted for him without giving a frog's fart about his religious beliefs, if any, are entitled to ask, "What the hell?" I'm all for malice toward none and charity for all, but I'm not a great believer in political suicide. Why sit down with John McCain, who refused even to shake his hand after a debate, except maybe to get him into a chair that made him look even runtier? Why promise to put a Republican in the cabinet, unless it's the ghost of Jacob Javits? And why why why let Joe Lieberman, forever to be know as Jodas Iscariot, keep even one committee chair? Are the Democrats determined to be known as the party for which actions have no consequences? Is there a word in Harry Reid's language that means "discipline"? And could everybody just shut up about tents and urination, or think of another metaphor? Come on.

Everywhere I look, sickening spectacles. Ted Stevens gets convicted of seven felony counts, loses his Senate seat (all right, so Alaskans aren't completely insane), and returns to the Senate chamber for the kind of tribute Lou Gehrig got at Yankee Stadium. I tell myself, it's just an expression of relief that no way will Caribou Barbie get herself appointed to his seat now. I don't believe it. These people are without shame. Probably they're congratulating themselves on not getting caught the way old Ted did. Look, all politicians take little knick-knacks and stocking-stuffers -- apparently, half the Alaska legislature is on the Veco Oil pad. Stevens took a whole house full of goodies, and then some. It was too egregious for even the Bush Justice Department to overlook. And for this they break out the party hats? How many old ladies in wheelchairs do you have to push down stairs before the Senate gives you a dirty look? No wonder Beau Biden would rather be deployed to Iraq than take up his father's Senate seat. O Lyndon, where art thou?

Has McCain resumed his maverick ways? As his running mate would say, you betcha not. He's in Georgia campaigning for Saxby Chambliss, the vicious clown he once denounced for slandering Max Cleland. Chambliss has a perfect record of voting against every measure that might aid servicepeople and veterans; his opponent is a Vietnam vet like Cleland and McCain. It's a no-brainer, but then, so is McCain. What does he hope to gain? Another chance to run for president? He has a better chance of becoming emperor of Japan. He's a maverick the way James Garner was a Maverick. It's a role, and the comedy is ended.

And as long as I'm venting, why are CNN and MSNBC giving Mike Huckabee free airtime to plug his "book"? He's part of the Axis of Murdoch now, so let the News Corporation peddle his leftovers. Let him go on The View, if he has the guts. Is it so hard to fill up a program with trying to see how many times you can say "vetting" and "bailout" and "Big Three automakers"?
If there's not enough actual news, do what so many bloggers do: show us pictures of your cats and dogs.

Why in the name of Queen Anne's Revenge* are we even talking about "non-lethal" responses to Somali pirates? Water cannons? Searchlights in their eyes? Why not toss Tootsie Rolls in the water and steam off while they try to grab the tasty sweets? They're fucking pirates. We used to hang them in gibbets until their corpses rotted and crows ate their eyes. That's why piracy went away. Now it's back. Three guesses why. But you guys go ahead and offer them training in web design if they'll just stop seizing oil tankers. Let me know how that works out.

So many things to piss me off, so little time. Now I have to re-install my printer because the geniuses at Google keep reconfiguring their browser. I want them to die.

*A famous pirate ship, not the intestinal disorder it sounds like.


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