Sunday, August 13, 2006

Fright or flight?

Cool northerly breezes have brought on my first allergy attack of the season, so I may have been hallucinating this morning. Did anybody else see Michael Chertoff on every Sunday morning show except MTV's "Pimp My Ride"? Either the semen-stain expert wanted to show off his spiffy new yellow tie, or every other member of the executive branch is on vacation. The secretary who keeps the homeland secure was busy taking bows for the work of MI5 and Scotland Yard, and dispensing his patented blend of obfuscation (your president has it all under control/be very afraid/take off your shoes/don't cancel your trip). It was inspiring, at least to this histamine-poisoned observer.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney rose from his coffin full of Colorado earth to proclaim that Ned Lamont's victory in the Connecticut Democratic primary might "encourage Al Qaeda types," if not actual Al Qaeda members, a distinction reporters did not ask him to elaborate upon as they clutched their phones in fear. Yes, now that the World Cup and the Tour de France are over, Osama bin Laden spends most of his time following primary election returns, cackling evilly over the end of Bob "Freedom Fries" Ney's Congressional career. When word reached the Holy One's inner circle that Ralph Reed had lost his bid to become lieutenant governor of Georgia, rifles were fired into the air as at an Afghani wedding party. If Rick Santorum loses his Senate seat, which seems to be a distinct possibility right now, our enemies will interpret it as America losing its will to live. Elect a Democratic House or Senate, and the blood-dimmed tide will be loosed. You have been warned. Close the box. Don't slam the lid.