Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Straws in the wind, water, landfill...

"Never give a sucker an even break."  -- Otis Criblecoblis

Always alert to an opportunity to foul the earth and make money, the Committee to Re-elect the Putin-puppet has begun selling plastic drinking straws.  There's a logic to it -- Republicans like Trump and Rubio are demonstrably bad at drinking from a bottle or glass in the traditional way.  The price is an eye-opener -- $15 for a box of ten -- but the real intent is to raise a middle finger to all those leftists who want to re-introduce the paper straw as a way of slowing the planetary garbage accumulation.  Already the Pacific Ocean contains a vortex of plastic crap visible from the space station and no one has figured out how to get rid of it.  Tree-huggers like Alaska Airlines, the Bon Appetit food chain, AT&T Park in San Francisco and Vassar College have banned plastic straws, as has Trump's leftist friend Queen Elizabeth II (from the royal estates, cafes and gift shops).  A number of states and municipalities are considering legislation, too.

But CREEPP has a good sense of its Trumpanzees and how much money they're inclined to waste.  These are people who bought Nike merchandise and then burned it, just to show what they think of Colin Kaepernick.  So why not a $1.50 drinking straw with TRUMP stamped on it?  Use it once and throw it away, or be mistaken for a lib, am I right?  And for those who have actually benefited from the Ryan tax "reforms," I foresee the ten-dollar swizzle stick, the fifty-dollar Styrofoam plate, the thousand-dollar thermos (pour your Diet Coke out of Nancy Pelosi's mouth -- hours of hilarity!).  For only $250,000 a golf ball from the Trump International Splendid Exclusive Championship Country Club, autographed by "your favorite president," will be inserted in the blow-hole of a whale, causing it to suffocate and die.  Operators are standing by.

And while you suck on your straw, I'll be thinking of the boy interviewed on last night's news, an inmate of a Trump concentration camp.  He and his friends had no straws and no cups and no soap to wash their hands, but thirst drove them to scoop water from a faucet and drink it as well as they could.  America is officially great again.


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