Saturday, July 21, 2018

The Internet is forever

ThumbnailWho am I to argue with a stable genius?

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Play "La Marseillaise"! Play it!

You spend weeks getting ready for the big date, you do your "hair" so carefully, and just when you can imagine how good that Russian schwantz will taste, Robert Mueller indicts another bunch of Russians.  It's like finding a giant zit on your nose the morning of Prom.

Fuckbonkers McMoron gives an interview to The Sun (has he never heard of the Daily Mail?), and then claims he never said all those nasty things about Theresa May.  Knowing what they're dealing with, The Sun has videotape of McMoron saying every one of the nasty things while his tiny, mindless eyes roll around in the wads of orange fat.  He says some of them two and three times because of senility.  After describing his own oral flatulence as "fake news," because he accidentally tells the truth every few months, McMoron goes off to eat with May and continues trying to destroy both her government and the NATO alliance, which is the least he can do for his smart, talented, handsome friend Vladimir.  He would like her replaced by his fellow buffoon Boris Johnson.  He used to like London before it got all full of brown people and crime and that Muslim guy became the mayor, probably because of millions of illegal votes.  The Muslim guy must have ordered them to display that baby blimp and carry signs like "Do all lives still matter?  Asking for a kid in a cage" and "I could shit a better president" and "Feed him to the corgis" and some that were downright rude.  Fuckbonkers prefers small, select audiences of paste-eating imbeciles in places like Fistula, Ohio, packed into the function room at the Optimists Club to look like a crowd.  London is a hell hole.  No carriage ride!  

McMoron told the country that just buried Stephen Hawking what a genius he is.  He kept the Queen waiting in the heat for fifteen minutes while he finished a tweet about how the farmers love him.  He demanded that Air Force One be repainted in his personal colors, orange and stupid, and equipped with a bed that will accommodate his ever more porcine carcass.  Most bizarrely, he announced that a poll nobody else has seen declared him "more popular" than Abraham Lincoln*.  Also better looking and richer.  And then it was off to Scotland to bone up for his date with Volodya by playing golf.  A Greenpeace protester glided onto the course, causing McMoron to waddle run away.  In Scotland many of the fuck-off signs are in dialect, reminders of how Ma Trump used to work the Glasgow docks.  Why can't we have more diseased white immigrants?  Speaking of working girls, Melania showed off her double-D kidneys (Bethesda doesn't do boob jobs) and trashed her feckless cunt step-daughter.  I'm guessing here, because she's too smart to talk to reporters.

MOSCOW!  What a great city.  No haters with clever signs.  No lady prime ministers who are at best a four.  No pushy reporters.  Lock 'em up!  You did?  No crappy tea in some shithole palace without a single gold toilet.  No Muslim terrorist mayor.  People who sit up and applaud their leader which they love him so much, believe me.  No hookers!  NO COLLUSION!!

Happy quatorze juillet.  What are you waiting for?  Fucking storm something.

*Nearly a century ago, Woodrow Wilson was greeted in London and Paris by crowds in the millions who treated him like a god.  Who wants to tell him?  


Friday, July 13, 2018

This scepter'd isle

Friday, July 06, 2018

Urgent request

I have broken more Elton John records, he seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don't have a musical instrument. I don't have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No we've broken a lot of records. We've broken virtually every record. Because you know, look, I only need this space. They need much more room. For basketball, for hockey and all of the sports, they need a lot of room. We don't need it. We have people in that space. So we break all of these records. Really we do it without like, the musical instruments. This is the only musical: the mouth. And hopefully the brain attached to the mouth. Right? The brain, more important than the mouth, is the brain. The brain is much more important.

I will pay one million American dollars to anyone -- anyone -- who can tell me what the hell this means.  It seems to be an address by an unmedicated mental patient to an unfortunate captive audience on a city bus.  In fact, I am told it is an exact transcript of part of a speech by the president* of the United States to a fascinated crowd in Montana.  I know that Elton John is a British singer-songwriter, I know that basketball and hockey are sports.  Please help with the rest.  It might be important.

"This is the only musical:  the mouth."  Good choice, Mr. Putin.

Thursday, July 05, 2018

Make mine Mink

Three days ago Kristin Mink spotted Scott Pruitt eating in a Washington restaurant.  She walked over and politely suggested it was time for him to resign.  Today he did.

Ms. Mink teaches at Sidwell Friends School, which was attended by both Obama daughters and, if memory serves, by Chelsea Clinton.  She is undoubtedly a cell leader of the Obama coup to replace Putin's America's chosen president.  And she is awesome.

Now, where does Betsy DeVos chow down?

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

Glorious Fourth

I totally stole this from AllHatNoCattle because it can't be improved upon.  No (Polynesian) tiki torches for you, Nazi assholes.  Also no (Mexican) tacos or tequila, no (Chinese) fireworks, no (Peruvian) potatoes, no (Spanish) paella, no kosher food and no decent music.  You get Velveeta, Wonder Bread, Pat Boone and Coors.  Enjoy the holiday.