Monday, March 26, 2018

Everything that rises

This weekend saw the convergence of two movements born of innocent blood.  NeverAgain, led by the young adults of Parkland, Florida, rallied and marched all over the world for an end to the easy availability of military weapons.  BlackLivesMatter gathered to protest the outrageous killing of Stephon Clark in the backyard of his grandparents' house in Sacramento, by police employing a helicopter.  For suspected vandalism.  He was holding a phone.  He may have been tapping on the window because the doorbell is broken.

Predictably, the Rightzis lost their shit.  Rick Santorum (R-Whythehellaretheyinterviewingthisclown) was on CNN suggesting the "kids" do something useful like learn CPR, so they can keep their bleeding classmates alive until the EMTs show up.  (Silly ass, these are not kids.  Nikolas Cruz stole what was left of their childhood, with the help of Wayne LaPierre and the murder lobby.)  Jimmy Swaggart's wife compared them to Hitler, so that's the Hitler box checked.  No more Hitler references, please, our phones are closed.  Somebody Photoshopped a picture of Emma Gonzales ripping up the Constitution, probably inspired by Sinead O'Connor tearing a picture of the pope on SNL long ago, two popes ago.  What was she angry about?  I can't remember.

America being America, there is already an industry devoted to surviving massacres.  ALICE ("alert lockdown inform counter evacuate") describes itself as "the number one active shooter civilian response training."  David Helsel, superintendent of the Blue Mountain School District in Pennsylvania, has hired them with money that could have been spent on almost anything else; now every classroom has a five-gallon bucket of river stones and students who get training in how to chuck them at the shooter's head.  If you're in a parking lot, a mall or a park, I guess you bring your own stones.  Believe me, if I could make this shit up, I'd be writing for John Oliver.

Meghan McCain, whose father was overheard calling his wife a "cunt" during the 2008 campaign, wants us to know how horrified she was at the bad language of NeverAgain co-founder David Hogg.  A Republican state senator in Ohio named Candice Keller wins the Bleeding Obvious prize for stating that the marching millions would "rather be eating Doritos and playing video games."  Who wouldn't?  Or sleeping late, ice skating, shopping for shoes or taking a clarinet lesson.  This was more important.  If you can't see that, you deserve to be an Ohio Republican.


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