I'm here to help

 Fox News is running every presentable employee through the 8 pm slot vacated by Tucker Carlson's White Power Hour, none so startling as daytime pundit Harris Faulkner.  She has approximately the same chance of getting the gig as Ilhan Omar but no one can accuse her of phoning it in.  Did you know she was ejected from a restaurant for praying over her food?  It's outrageous but what can you expect when you decide to eat at the Woke Atheist?  Didn't she see the NO PROSELYTIZING sign?  People go there to debate who's better, Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens, not to listen to some woman bellow grace over her appetizer.  The Noisy Christian is only two blocks over, Harris.

Harris.  That's the key to her other problem.  As she tweeted, "The Lord has determined that I am a woman, and my pronouns are U.S.A."  As Bill Clinton used to say, I feel your pain.  Going through school with an ambiguous name like Harris, you must have found yourself repeatedly enrolled in Woodworking instead of Home Ec, or assigned to the Boys Gym.  It was so traumatizing that you couldn't concentrate in English and failed to learn what a pronoun is.  (It's a word that functions as a noun phrase, like "she" and "they," but that's not important now.)  Here's someone else who understands what you've suffered:

Who's next?

Ukrainian officials insist that their counteroffensive has not begun, but the Russians are already leaving.  They blew up the Kakhovka Hydroelectric Power Plant dam on the Dnipro River, flooding vast areas and forcing thousands to evacuate.  Naturally Russia blames Ukraine for trying to drown its own people.  (Precedent:  In the 1930s the USSR blamed Ukrainians for starving to death just to make Stalin's collectivization program fail.)  Since the region around the dam was under Russian occupation, no reasonable person has any doubts about this.  

Poor Tucker Carlson has lost his Fox platform but he's still welcome on Twitter, and he sprang into action with a ten-minute paean to Uncle Vlad, the most misunderstood genius in Russian history.  Rupert Murdoch dismantled his private TV studio last month but I guess you can order a Teleprompter and a camera from Amazon.  And so Tucker Carlson's Barn Dance is on the air!  (No music but an actual barn.)  Hang on tight.  

Not only is Russia as innocent as ever but Zelenskyy is "sweaty and rat-like, a comedian turned oligarch, a persecutor of Christians, a friend of Blackrock" -- that's an investment management firm, I looked it up -- "our shifty, dead-eyed Ukrainian friend in the tracksuit."  But does he use the blood of Christian children in his rituals?  "He's literally a living saint...that's why Lindsey Graham is so attracted to him."  Hey, slow down, you're getting homophobia all over your antisemitism!  He went on to reference Jeffrey Epstein, JFK, UFO conspiracy theories, 9/11, Black Lives Matter and the Nord Stream pipeline.  Also Nikki Haley is stupid.  It was ten minutes so stuffed with crazy that many people apparently had to view it more than once just to catch their breath.  

Where do you go from here, Tucks?  How about "the eye on the pyramid means all the Founders were Freemasons," or "Of course FDR knew about Pearl Harbor but Morgenthau wanted a war to save the Jews," or "Marilyn Monroe was killed because she knew the truth about the Bay of Pigs"?  Some of the old songs.  What did you mean about "your average yak herder in Tajikistan" knowing who blew up Nord Stream?  It wasn't Greta Thunberg?  Way to build suspense!

Look what you did, Rupert.  Carlson wasn't very stable to begin with and you broke him.  Now he's contemptible and pitiful at the same time.  

Republicans have a lot of trouble staying on-point.  Yesterday the Kongress Kids were blocking some bills about gas stoves because they don't like the way Kevin McCarthy negotiated the debt ceiling.  At a hearing about sustainable investing a Trump EPA official named Mandy Gunasekara started ranting about transgender issues and had to be slapped silly by Rep. Becca Balint (D-VT), a freshman to watch.  Tommy Tuberville has been blocking dozens of military promotions because he's angry at the pro-choice policy of the Defense Department, yet he can't understand why the administration is backtracking on Trump's promise to move Space Command from Colorado to Alabama.  Politics -- how does it work?  Let me put that in terms even a mediocre football coach can understand:  Fuck around, find out.

As we know, Trump hires "the best people," so how could someone servicing a swimming pool have flooded the room where the servers are?  And tragically erased all the security footage of people scurrying around Mar a Lago with boxes of classified documents just before the FBI came looking for them?  "The pool guy did it" is the last gasp of a cornered animal.  

  

And don't be too gentle when you put him in the squad car.