Come on-a my House

 

When does a home invasion/assault on an 82-year-old man stop being funny?  Hint:  They're still swapping gags about Chappaquiddick.

Cory Mills of the freshly gerrymandered Florida 7th describes himself as "a husband, father, patriot, combat veteran, entrepreneur, foreign policy expert, and true American conservative."  He sells weapons, tear gas and other governmental essentials to the world and his hobbies are swimming, voting for Kevin McCarthy and investigating Biden's "failed Afghanistan withdrawal."  He doesn't know a gavel from a hammer but Republicans don't do nuance.

The best-known freshman is of course George Santos, here flashing the white-power sign as he takes the oath.  Does this mean he has withdrawn his claim to be Jew-ish?

"We feel betrayed," says one man in the wealthy district Bloomberg calls a "gilded enclave."  Just wait till he starts voting for those cuts to Social Security and Medicare, Mr. Ripak.  You probably don't depend upon those things but you're going to love the tax cuts that come with.  (I'm afraid the $5,000 you donated is gone forever.)  Besides, New York doesn't allow recall of elected officials.  Cheer up, Brazil may extradite him soon.

Did you see the Friday Night Fight between Tim Burchett and Mike Rogers?   And that's just the undercard -- wait till Boebert-Greene kicks off.  Marge says her friends in the "Freedom Caucus" "don't care about doing the right thing for America."  She's the Voice of Reason now, inching away from QAnon and everything.  That's right, Marjorie Taylor Greene is the new Margaret Chase Smith.  Or is she drinking the adrenochrome?  Meanwhile Boebert calls her "unhinged."  Being able to bring her gun to work has really energized Lauren.  Enough trash talk, ladies, throw down!

Newly important Gym Jordan is thrilled to have a ringside seat.  "Exactly how the Founders intended it," he reassured Fox News.  "They wanted real debate and real input from all people."  Debate being code for slugging your opponent because your vocabulary is inadequate and your brain is a bag of worms.  Jordan never wears a jacket so he won't have to lose time taking it off if, say, Rep. Steve Cohen sneaks up in his wheelchair.

"These people are horrible, horrible people," said -- come on, guess.  All right, Trump.  After his brilliant success at getting McCarthy the gavel he's started campaigning again.  The horrible people are the police who sacrificed themselves to save the Capitol two years ago, or as he prefers, the "lunatic" who shot Ashli Babbitt.  Weirdly, he also credited Joe Biden with "convinc[ing] Putin to go into Ukraine," which he usually thinks is a genius-level idea.  But Biden will bring about nuclear war because he has "no mind left."   Speaking of dementia, his opening act was Kari Lake the totally real and all-powerful governor of Arizona and of the dominions beyond the sea.  Jair Bolsonaro couldn't make it because he was hospitalized with "stomach pain."  (Didn't I warn about the food at Mar a Lago?)  Also people think he should be expelled after his followers attacked government buildings in Brasilia yesterday.  Unluckily for him, President Lula is no Merrick Garland.

Mark Twain called them "stretchers."  Today's George Santos revelation has his staffer Sam Miele impersonating Dan Meyer, who works for Kevin McCarthy, to rip off Republican donors.  Santos has decided it's time to spruce up his image so he got a name from Matt Gaetz:  Vish Burra, PR consultant for Carl Paladino and Steve Bannon.  This should go well.

All of this should go well.