All I know...

...is what I read in the papers, said Will Rogers.  Then he would riff on the news for the splendid Ziegfeld Follies audience.  Lose the lariat and Rogers was the first observational stand-up.

The papers don't necessarily involve paper now, but the news is just as bizarre.  Let's go in.

Greg Abbott blames the spread of covid in Texas on "illegal immigrants."  What do you expect from a Neanderthal?

Benjamin Netanyahu is angry about an SNL sketch which suggested Israel is only providing vaccine to "the Jewish half" of its population.  Because he has nothing better to do than complain about American television shows.  Like confer with his lawyers about his upcoming corruption trial.

Richard Barnett is also angry that he can't get out on bail.  All he did was sit in Nancy Pelosi's chair, steal papers from her desk and shit in her wastebasket while grinning for the camera.  Outrageous.  He would have missed today's "real inauguration" had it occurred.

About that.  The House cancelled its session and the National Guard ringed the Capitol, but like all of history's previous Second Coming events, Trump II has been postponed until March 20.  Please hold onto your tickets.

Sixty Minutes showed why it's the Cadillac El Dorado of news magazines by scoring an exclusive interview with Jacob Shansley, the Q Shaman.  I won't spoil the surprise, but he thinks he should receive leniency because he prevented the other rioters from stealing muffins out of the Senate break room.  I'll bet Ted Cruz never puts money in the jar and leaves a mess for Susan Collins to clean up.

Speaking of the Cruzer, he's pretty sure Joe Biden ordered the banning of six Dr. Seuss books.  I would have gone with Barack Obama or AOC but that's why Ted's Ted.

"Yes, I know it could take ten hours but the American people deserve to know what's in it," says Ron Johnson on why he wants it read out loud.  "And so do I.  Reading is hard!" he didn't add.  Twenty years ago Congress passed the PATRIOT Act without even opening it.  Maybe Biden should have called it the USA! USA! LICK COVID NOW!! bill.  

No wonder Elaine Chao was so quiet during her term as Secretary of Transportation.  She was busy forcing employees to work on projects celebrating her father and his shipping company.  Which is sort of transportation related even if he is Taiwanese.

If you don't watch The Steve Bannon Comedy Hour on some internet site, you missed the birth of a new word.  Six-gun Lauren Boebert came up with "transvexhikes" (apparently she was going for "transgendered," but who knows?).  It's harder to pronounce than "covfefe" but only time will tell if it has the same pizazz.   What do you get when you cross a Boebert with a Gohmert?  I'll bet it's as dumb as a brick.

Did you know the moon has a blue tail?  Like a comet but cooler.   Something to do with meteor showers.  The universe is a very interesting place.