Take up the orange man's burden

 You have no idea what trouble is.

Trump has now been banned from every social media platform except the YouTube comments section where, actually, he would be a natural fit.

He's been cut off by Deutsche Bank, which was willing to carry his $340 million in debt until last week.  Then they checked and found he isn't even paying the interest on it.  And Signature Bank says it won't do business with any member of Congress who voted with the Sedition Caucus.

In the wake of the PGA snub, the Royal & Ancient Golf Club reiterated that it won't be returning to Turnberry "in the foreseeable future," i.e., until you sell the place or die, you jobby-flavoured fart lozenge.

GoFundMe will no longer allow fundraising for travel to Trump events like last Wednesday's violent insurrection at the Capitol.

Bill Belichick decided not to accept a Presidential Medal of Freedom, citing "the tragic events of last week."  First Schwarzenegger, now Belichick -- who's next?  Do I have to change my opinion of Howard Stern?

A number of corporate donors are cutting off the Republican members of Congress who voted not to certify the election result, including Blue Cross Blue Shield, Marriott, American Express, Comcast, JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs.  Hallmark wants its money back from Roger Marshall (R-KS) and Josh Hawley.  It will be fun to see Hawley invoke the First Amendment against a greeting card company.

Sheldon Adelson won't be bankrolling any more coup attempts.  He died at age 87.  Adelson just couldn't face life under the communist dictatorship of Joe Biden.  Also, lymphoma.

When I heard that the last leg of Mike Pompeo's Grifty Tour had been cancelled, I checked to see that no harm had befallen Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Grassley, his immediate predecessors in the line of succession.  (Nothing is out of the question.)  Turns out no EU or NATO official wanted to talk to him; even the foreign minister of Luxembourg is calling Trump a "criminal" and a "political pyromaniac."  Sorry, Mike.  You'll always have Paris.

Nobody is being banned from flying just because they tried to take over the Capitol and murder elected officials.  But Chuck Schumer thinks they should be.

Several weeks in advance of Punxsutawney Phil, Dirty Don emerged from his burrow and held a media shouting session at the airport.  To the surprise of no one, he takes no responsibility and feels no remorse.  The real problem was the "horrible riots in Portland and Seattle and various other places."  And Hunter Biden, presumably.  He'll be disappointed when he finds that The Alamo is not in Alamo, Texas.  As a Texan observed, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice...won't get fooled again."  We used to think that guy was dumb.

"He was hard to reach, and you know why?  It was live TV," says the inevitable unnamed White House equerry in the Washington Post.  For six hours he stared at the bigliest-screen televisions he ordered four years ago, enthralled by the violence but annoyed at how his cult was costumed:  "He doesn't like low class things."  If you're planning to loot the Capitol and shit on the floor, wear something smart.

Other people have problems, believe it or not.  Rep. Bonnie Watson Coleman (D-NJ) was sheltering with other members during the riot.  Rep. Lisa Blunt Rochester (D-DE) tried to distribute masks to Republicans but they waved her away, laughing.  Now Coleman, 75 and a cancer survivor, has covid.  Rep. Lisa T. Sanchez (D-CA) decided to take her chances with the mob rather than risk infection.  Brad Schneider (D-IL) and Pramila Jayapal (D-WA) have also tested positive.  

Here's a poor West Indian manatee in Florida with 'TRUMP' carved into its back, a violation of the Endangered Species Act.  Probably the work of antifa.

While domestic terrorism reaches a climax, the Department of Homeland Security lacks even an Acting Secretary as Chad Wolf shoves a grandmother aside and jumps into a lifeboat.  Never have the words "homeland security" looked so forlorn.

About the only satisfaction Trump still has is killing people.  Three federal inmates were scheduled for execution this month because Joe Biden opposes capital punishment.  Two of them contracted covid, which is all but universal in prisons, so their deaths were postponed because their lungs are a mess and the lethal injections might be worse than usual.  That leaves Lisa Montgomery, the only woman on death row, whose horrific crime was probably precipitated by mental illness.  At this hour the Acting Solicitor General -- this administration has more actors than the Royal Shakespeare Company -- is harrying the Supreme Court to let them get on with killing her tonight.  It's Montgomery's bad luck that she is the stand-in for Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Jean Carroll, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Sally Yates, Angela Merkel, Stacey Abrams, Stormy Daniels, Fiona Hill, Ilhan Omar, Gretchen Whitmer and every other woman Trump would like to kill.