What's going on
The first person to die of COVID-19 in Oklahoma was a member of the Cherokee Nation, who had tested positive only the previous day. Congress has voted $40 million in emergency aid for Native American health providers, but the Trump administration is holding it up for some undisclosed reason. Possibly they think the Nations are sitting on dirt about Joe Biden. Tribal leaders have been told they can only have some expired respirators. No word on smallpox-infected blankets.
Mitch and the gang are working all weekend, they'll have you know, on the promised trillion-dollar aid package, wrangling over how much to give the well-off and how little to give the rest of us. At least when the vote comes, it won't be tripped up by Rand Paul, who tested positive. He will now join Ted Cruz in quarantine. It's almost pleasant in Washington these days.
Governor Cuomo announced that the Hickey Freeman company in Rochester has shifted from men's suits to facemasks and gowns for the city's hospitals. So that's one city taken care of.
Dimwit of the Day: Okeechobee County Commissioner Bryant Culpepper, who says you can kill the coronavirus by holding a hair dryer up to your nose. He got this from One America News Network (for people who find Fox News a little too rational). Nobody is dying from a runny nose, Bryant. What do you do about the coronavirus in your lungs? Yeah, Florida. Where they still haven't closed the beaches.
Ron Johnson (R-WI) doesn't understand why people are obsessing about this "Chinese virus." His math shows that COVID-19 will kill no more than 3.4 percent of the population, which works out to eleven million Americans. That's more than auto accidents (37,000) or guns (15,300) but much less than the figure cited by Gen. Buck Turgidson in the event of a nuclear war way back in 1964. ("I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed.") So chill.
"Americans need to know date certain when this will end. The uncertainty for businesses, parents and kids is just not sustainable," writes Laura Ingraham. As of this hour there have been 414 deaths in the US. Maybe Senator Johnson can help you with the math. Poor Laura, having the Fox makeup people touch up her roots every week instead of her regular guy. Sounds like she needs a hobby.
Lucky for you, Laura, Hobby Lobby is staying open. They can't close because the owner's wife, Barbara Green, got special orders from God. Also, they need to recoup the money they spent on fake Dead Sea Scroll fragments. God promised to guide, guard and groom her, without explaining why He created coronavirus to begin with, because shut up, haven't you read about Job? So this might be the perfect time to take up scrapbooking.
(What exactly the hell is scrapbooking anyway? You paste stuff in scrapbooks? I remember doing that, before I put away childish things and went to high school. If Laura doesn't like the smell of paste, they make coloring books for adults now, and I assume Hobby Lobby's are of a fundamentalist Trumpian cast. Let us know, OK, Laura? And try not to sound like so much of an entitled bitch next time, mmmm?)
Where was I? Oh, yes, the "Justice" Department keeps plugging along, and it looks like they aren't expecting a "date certain." Last week they quietly dropped plans to prosecute some Russians named in the Mueller Report (remember that?). This week they quietly asked for permission to detain people indefinitely without trial should the "national emergency" make it, sadly, necessary. I am reminded of Lyndon Johnson's metaphor of the jackass in the hailstorm. The skies are darkening.
Mitch and the gang are working all weekend, they'll have you know, on the promised trillion-dollar aid package, wrangling over how much to give the well-off and how little to give the rest of us. At least when the vote comes, it won't be tripped up by Rand Paul, who tested positive. He will now join Ted Cruz in quarantine. It's almost pleasant in Washington these days.
Governor Cuomo announced that the Hickey Freeman company in Rochester has shifted from men's suits to facemasks and gowns for the city's hospitals. So that's one city taken care of.
Dimwit of the Day: Okeechobee County Commissioner Bryant Culpepper, who says you can kill the coronavirus by holding a hair dryer up to your nose. He got this from One America News Network (for people who find Fox News a little too rational). Nobody is dying from a runny nose, Bryant. What do you do about the coronavirus in your lungs? Yeah, Florida. Where they still haven't closed the beaches.
Ron Johnson (R-WI) doesn't understand why people are obsessing about this "Chinese virus." His math shows that COVID-19 will kill no more than 3.4 percent of the population, which works out to eleven million Americans. That's more than auto accidents (37,000) or guns (15,300) but much less than the figure cited by Gen. Buck Turgidson in the event of a nuclear war way back in 1964. ("I'm not saying we won't get our hair mussed.") So chill.
"Americans need to know date certain when this will end. The uncertainty for businesses, parents and kids is just not sustainable," writes Laura Ingraham. As of this hour there have been 414 deaths in the US. Maybe Senator Johnson can help you with the math. Poor Laura, having the Fox makeup people touch up her roots every week instead of her regular guy. Sounds like she needs a hobby.
Lucky for you, Laura, Hobby Lobby is staying open. They can't close because the owner's wife, Barbara Green, got special orders from God. Also, they need to recoup the money they spent on fake Dead Sea Scroll fragments. God promised to guide, guard and groom her, without explaining why He created coronavirus to begin with, because shut up, haven't you read about Job? So this might be the perfect time to take up scrapbooking.
(What exactly the hell is scrapbooking anyway? You paste stuff in scrapbooks? I remember doing that, before I put away childish things and went to high school. If Laura doesn't like the smell of paste, they make coloring books for adults now, and I assume Hobby Lobby's are of a fundamentalist Trumpian cast. Let us know, OK, Laura? And try not to sound like so much of an entitled bitch next time, mmmm?)
Where was I? Oh, yes, the "Justice" Department keeps plugging along, and it looks like they aren't expecting a "date certain." Last week they quietly dropped plans to prosecute some Russians named in the Mueller Report (remember that?). This week they quietly asked for permission to detain people indefinitely without trial should the "national emergency" make it, sadly, necessary. I am reminded of Lyndon Johnson's metaphor of the jackass in the hailstorm. The skies are darkening.
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 2:24 PM
2 Comments:
While this post is such an embarrassment of riches that my cup runneth over, I do want to make three comments:
1. To avoid standing for a long time in front of a bathroom mirror, pumping dangerously hot air up his nose with a hair blower, I would suggest to Mr. Culpepper that he stick a firecracker and each nostril and light them. My guess is, it would be like pulling a Band-Aid off quickly. It would burn a lot, but for a shorter time. Maybe Culpepper could try it out and report back to us.
2. You mean you've just noticed that Laura Ingram is growing dotty? I suggest it might bed to the chemicals she uses to darken her roots — no matter who does the coiffure.
3. As for quietly detaining people without trial, I think that's an excellent idea! For when the Democrats are in power. We could start by giving certain Supreme Court justices traffic tickets and...well, you know.
Yours very crankily,
The New York Crank
That should have been a firecracker "In" each nostril in item #1 above. It's after dinner and I'm still imbibing my digestif.
Still crankily,
The New York Crank
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