I need a laugh

Fortunately, there is plenty of news for those with a twisted sense of humor.

Whitefish Energy (you remember them) billed FEMA $319 per hour for each lineman working in Puerto Rico, but paid them only $63.  Which was generous, because the work they did was crap -- the section of San Juan they repaired promptly crashed again.  Most of the island is still in darkness.

"Every time [Vladimir Putin] sees me he says, 'I didn't do that.'  And I really believe that when he tells me that he means it," Trump blushed and simpered after his tryst with VVP in Vietnam.  Because the Russian dictator who has his critics murdered is inherently more trustworthy than the political hacks at the CIA, the NSA and the FBI, not to mention Robert Mueller who is totally a Democrat.  When not canoodling, Donzo asked Vietnamese president Nguyen Xuan Phuc to buy lotsa American weapons because he needs a "quick win" before the 2020 election.  (If not, there could be a witty tweet making fun of his name.)  That retching sound from John McCain's office may or may not be a reaction to chemotherapy.

A former pharmaceutical executive has been nominated to be Secretary of Health and Human Services.  What could go wrong?

Trouble in paradise:  Republican sugar daddy Sheldon Adelson has declined to appear in public with Steve Bannon and is snuggling closer to Mitch "Deep State" McConnell.  Bannon hates McConnell almost as much as he hates Jews.  Oh, I think I get it now.

Ivanka Trump wants the Congress to hurry and pass Daddy's "Tax Cut Cut Cut Bill" so that all families will be able to afford a Mandarin tutor like the one she hired to teach the Trumplings.  If I could make this stuff up, I would be working for The Onion.

Joaquin Guzman Loera, better known as El Chapo, is not allowed to have a Bible in his cell in the Metropolitan Correctional Center (Manhattan) because it might contain coded messages.  What's that, evangelical Christians?  I can't hear you.

To rent a venue at the University of Florida for his mass meeting, white nationalist Richard Spencer sent a check for ten thousand dollars and change.  It bounced.  Before you take over America, you might want to learn to balance a checking account, dick.

We found out this week that Alabama has the best judges, and the tradition continues:  Trump has nominated Brett J. Talley to the federal district court in Montgomery, despite the fact that he has never tried a case; forgot to mention on his questionnaire that his wife is a lawyer in the White House; was rated "not qualified" by the U.S. Bar Association; and -- wait for it -- spends his spare time looking for ghosts, as part of the Tuscaloosa Paranormal Research Group.  None of this disturbed the Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee, who have already approved him for the lifetime appointment.  (And maybe afterlife, too --- woooowoowooo!)

I saved the best for last:  Julian Assange wants Trump's support in becoming Australia's ambassador to the United States.  "I love WikiLeaks!" Trump shouted last year, before remembering that he never heard of it.  Congratulations, Julian, you win the Brass Chutzpah.  With bronze oak leaf palm.