Friday already?
The week flies when you're spun like Dorothy Gale by the swirling winds of a world unhinged. And so, even in advance of the Friday night news dump, we glove up and dig in:
Frivolous Lawsuit of the Month goes to NYPD Officer James Frascatore. In 2015 he tackled professional tennis player James Blake for standing on East 42nd Street looking as if he belonged to a "credit card fraud ring." As in knocked him to the ground and handcuffed him. Blake subsequently described the officer as "out of control" in his memoir. This is why Frascatore is suing him for defamation. As a result of this and other complaints about excessive force, he is still employed by the NYPD but can only use force on his desk and the precinct vending machines. According to his lawyerWhiplash Willie Gingrich Kevin Marino, he is also suing the New York Police Department and the Civilian Complaint Review Board for racial discrimination because they called him a racist. Which is totally not true because everyone knows that only black people like Blake are racist (see Obama, Barack Hussein).
America, or at least the unarmed part of the population, learned a new term this week: bump stock, a device for making regular assault weapons even shootier. You know -- for kids! It appears that Stephen Paddock purchased several of them prior to breaking into the history books as America's Boss Gun Killer. Now several Republicans have said they might be open to discussing the possibility of maybe making it a tiny bit harder to buy them, perhaps. But the NRA has essentially warned them off by pointing out that they weren't banned two years ago by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Thing That Go Boom, therefore the 58 people Paddock murdered are the responsibility of -- Obama, Barack Hussein. Bump stocks! Ask for them at your favorite gun show or big box store. Perfect for backyard barbecues and Scarface parodies.
As our readers know, when they go low Buttermilk Sky goes high. We don't normally comment on people's physical appearance when they can't help it, but at today's Mendacity Matinee Sarah Huckabee Sanders is wearing more eye makeup than Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra. Good grief, girl, at least pretend you're a professional.
British novelist Kazuo Ishiguro has won the Nobel Prize in Literature, to a predictable chorus of gripes and sniffs. (I'm not sure a chorus can sniff, but let it go.) The laureate himself rapidly named several writers he considers more worthy -- Murakami, Rushdie, Atwood, Cormac McCarthy -- so kudos for the modesty. Of course, the film version of The Remains of the Day didn't hurt. Careful, Academicians, that's two consecutive years you've honored someone known to more than three hundred people.
You want to know more about this pillock Paddock? I don't either, really, but I can't help it. His girlfriend (somehow a jarring term for a woman over sixty) says he used to lie in bed wailing and sobbing. She doesn't say if this began about the second week in November 2016. He tried to purchase tracer bullets not long ago, but the dealer was out of them, Christmas shoppers I guess. He scoped out music events in Boston and Chicago before settling on Las Vegas and, even without tracers, managed to hit a fuel storage tank at McCarran Airport. (Or maybe someone else hit it. The country's awash in freedom.) His car was full of explosives. His head was full of rage. Enough.
Puerto Rico, which is an island surrounded by water, continues to struggle, with more than half its three million-plus people still lacking electricity, phones and basic necessities. For this reason, the FEMA website has removed statistics which indicate the failure of theirfive year plan recovery effort. Ignore enemies of the people and get your news from official sources only, patriots.
Hurricane Nate. Gulf Coast.* Sunday. Keep your head down.
We all need some happy news. The House is short a Republican. Tim Murphy, who represents a forsaken part of western Pennsylvania, is going back there sooner than expected. That's because some Nosy Parker broke the news that the anti-choice congressman told his mistress to get an abortion. Imagine. A congressman with a mistress.
"Donald Trump is a moron." Who said it? Rex Tillerson? Joy Behar? Every non-moron who ever listened to him for more than four minutes? In this instance, Beatrice Fihn, director of this year's Nobel Peace Prize winner the Campaign Against Nuclear Weapons. Such a nasty woman.
Message from Mexico: "Hello, America. We're still here. Burying our dead and trying to rebuild our capital. We understand you have the attention span of a newborn squirrel, so we thought we'd check in. We are maintaining a dignified silence at your presidente moronico's mockery of a Hispanic accent. And no, we will never pay for his fucking wall."
And so on into the night.
*Maybe Louisiana. Louisiana has parishes instead of counties. Nobody knows this. Many people have told me my people will have done an amazing job and really improved FEMA's brand in New Orleans, which is in Louisiana. And also Mississippi, where that senator is in the hospital and couldn't vote. And Ray Moore will be a great senator and will help us to repeal Obamacare which is imploding. Needle nardle noo.
Frivolous Lawsuit of the Month goes to NYPD Officer James Frascatore. In 2015 he tackled professional tennis player James Blake for standing on East 42nd Street looking as if he belonged to a "credit card fraud ring." As in knocked him to the ground and handcuffed him. Blake subsequently described the officer as "out of control" in his memoir. This is why Frascatore is suing him for defamation. As a result of this and other complaints about excessive force, he is still employed by the NYPD but can only use force on his desk and the precinct vending machines. According to his lawyer
America, or at least the unarmed part of the population, learned a new term this week: bump stock, a device for making regular assault weapons even shootier. You know -- for kids! It appears that Stephen Paddock purchased several of them prior to breaking into the history books as America's Boss Gun Killer. Now several Republicans have said they might be open to discussing the possibility of maybe making it a tiny bit harder to buy them, perhaps. But the NRA has essentially warned them off by pointing out that they weren't banned two years ago by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Thing That Go Boom, therefore the 58 people Paddock murdered are the responsibility of -- Obama, Barack Hussein. Bump stocks! Ask for them at your favorite gun show or big box store. Perfect for backyard barbecues and Scarface parodies.
As our readers know, when they go low Buttermilk Sky goes high. We don't normally comment on people's physical appearance when they can't help it, but at today's Mendacity Matinee Sarah Huckabee Sanders is wearing more eye makeup than Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra. Good grief, girl, at least pretend you're a professional.
British novelist Kazuo Ishiguro has won the Nobel Prize in Literature, to a predictable chorus of gripes and sniffs. (I'm not sure a chorus can sniff, but let it go.) The laureate himself rapidly named several writers he considers more worthy -- Murakami, Rushdie, Atwood, Cormac McCarthy -- so kudos for the modesty. Of course, the film version of The Remains of the Day didn't hurt. Careful, Academicians, that's two consecutive years you've honored someone known to more than three hundred people.
You want to know more about this pillock Paddock? I don't either, really, but I can't help it. His girlfriend (somehow a jarring term for a woman over sixty) says he used to lie in bed wailing and sobbing. She doesn't say if this began about the second week in November 2016. He tried to purchase tracer bullets not long ago, but the dealer was out of them, Christmas shoppers I guess. He scoped out music events in Boston and Chicago before settling on Las Vegas and, even without tracers, managed to hit a fuel storage tank at McCarran Airport. (Or maybe someone else hit it. The country's awash in freedom.) His car was full of explosives. His head was full of rage. Enough.
Puerto Rico, which is an island surrounded by water, continues to struggle, with more than half its three million-plus people still lacking electricity, phones and basic necessities. For this reason, the FEMA website has removed statistics which indicate the failure of their
Hurricane Nate. Gulf Coast.* Sunday. Keep your head down.
We all need some happy news. The House is short a Republican. Tim Murphy, who represents a forsaken part of western Pennsylvania, is going back there sooner than expected. That's because some Nosy Parker broke the news that the anti-choice congressman told his mistress to get an abortion. Imagine. A congressman with a mistress.
"Donald Trump is a moron." Who said it? Rex Tillerson? Joy Behar? Every non-moron who ever listened to him for more than four minutes? In this instance, Beatrice Fihn, director of this year's Nobel Peace Prize winner the Campaign Against Nuclear Weapons. Such a nasty woman.
Message from Mexico: "Hello, America. We're still here. Burying our dead and trying to rebuild our capital. We understand you have the attention span of a newborn squirrel, so we thought we'd check in. We are maintaining a dignified silence at your presidente moronico's mockery of a Hispanic accent. And no, we will never pay for his fucking wall."
And so on into the night.
*Maybe Louisiana. Louisiana has parishes instead of counties. Nobody knows this. Many people have told me my people will have done an amazing job and really improved FEMA's brand in New Orleans, which is in Louisiana. And also Mississippi, where that senator is in the hospital and couldn't vote. And Ray Moore will be a great senator and will help us to repeal Obamacare which is imploding. Needle nardle noo.
posted by Buttermilk Sky at 2:03 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home