Country First (Just Kidding)

Half a million Americans lose their jobs every week, retail sales slump, the stock market does whatever mysterious thing it does each weekday, and everyone agrees things will only get worse. Congress could have lent the auto industry enough money to keep going for a while, but the Republicans, like a guard dog distracted by a pound of beefsteak, could not pass up a chance to savage the United Auto Workers and, by association, every other union in the country. So billions for the bonuses of Wall Street CEOs, and not one cent for Joe the Assembly Line Worker. Was anyone surprised?

The one bright spot in the economy has been post-election gun sales. Convinced that "that one" will confiscate their beloved killing machines, the gun-nut community has been snapping up weapons and ammo like Bon Jovi tickets at the Meadowlands. It has been a triumph of panic marketing by the gun industry and its lobbying arm, the National "Rifle" Association.

I guess you can see where I'm headed. We need to start an urgent rumor that the Obama Administration plans to ban the sale of private cars, especially the gas-consuming retro tanks that Americans no longer want. Of course it's ridiculous, but as with UFOs, WMDs and Christianity, there are plenty of people eager to believe in the ridiculous, or at any rate enough to keep Detroit in business.

OK readers: If all three of you will tell three others, we can get this thing off the ground by January 1. I want to see something about this at Huffington Post, if not Washington Post, before Twelfth Night. Or, seeing it's completely bogus, maybe Page Six of the New York Post. Get posting.