Rules of engagement

In the next six months, you may find yourself in the company of John McCain as he campaigns for president. Here are some suggestions for making this experience as pleasant as possible in the circumstances:

1. Do not use the phrase "one hundred years." The Senator has not said he hopes the war in Iraq will continue for a hundred years. What he said was, he's fine with American troops occupying the country until the oil runs out -- fifty years, sixty at the outside. Do not under any circumstances clink glasses and yell "Cent'anni!" which means something completely different.

2. I wouldn't mention the fire on the USS Forrestal, or the fact that it started when a bomb fell off McCain's plane. He probably wasn't responsible. Don't believe everything you read on www.forrestalveteransfortruth.com (under construction). The Navy was never able to prove anything. Just don't bring it up, OK?

3. And no sneaking up on him and shouting in Vietnamese. Tacky. He probably won't respond anyway, what with all the medications.

4. With so many pressing issues to discuss (flag lapel pins, Rev. Wright, the "death tax," gay marriage, the Iran menace, the impending switch to all-digital TV), it would be irresponsible to waste time raking up the past. Charles Keating? Who's he?

5. Whatever you do, don't stare at his hair or mention baldness drugs. Or weaves. Or those Joe Biden hair plugs. His wife used the word "thinning" and he called her a cunt. Anything but the hair. I'm begging you.