This just in

With all media eyes focused on Eliot Spitzer's crotch, the Sky brings you the news you may have missed, stories they would otherwise be fixated on:

• Admiral William Fallon has resigned as head of Central Command, paving the way for an attack on Iran by the lunatics in the Cheney-Bush regime.
• The Federal Reserve is allowing Wall Street banks to borrow money on mortgage debt, as Ben Bernanke frantically tries to patch up the leaking rowboat he inherited from Alan Greenspan.
• A national study reveals that one teenage girl in four has a sexually transmitted disease. Since the study only involved girls who regularly receive medical care, the actual figure is probably much higher. Apparently the "abstinence only" surge is working.
• Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary, even though many polling places ran out of paper ballots for the "Democrat Party" by 10:30 am. He got another boost from intemperate comments by Geraldine Ferraro, a Clinton supporter, who accused him of getting a free ride from the media because of his race. Ms. Ferraro, meet Mr. Limbaugh.
• Andre Carson has won a special election in the 7th District of Indiana for the House seat held by his late grandmother, Julia Carson. He becomes (cue scary music) the second Muslim in Congress.
  
• The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has finally run out of real rockers, and has inducted Madonna and Leonard Cohen.
  

You're welcome.