Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Exclusive! First results from Trump physical


Yes, it's funny that he doesn't know the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner."  (Don't they flash them on the scoreboard since the Robert Goulet embarrassment of 19--?)  Yes, it's cute that when he's alerted to it he pats his chest and wiggles around, like your great-uncle at the wedding who bounces in his chair when they play "The Hokey-Pokey" but doesn't feel like getting up.  And have we spent enough time on this particular distraction?

That isn't really an x-ray of the trumpian skull.  Can you spot the reason?  Answer below.

It's officially Silly Tuesday.  Joe Arpaio is running for the Senate.  Steve Bannon must campaign for him.   No, manage the campaign.  He may not have a job at Blightbart by then.

Julian Assange tried to save millions of trees and diminish the sales of Michael Wolff's Fire and Fury by releasing the entire text on WikiLeaks.  Nice try, Julie, now get back in your room.

Thousands of Salvadorans living legally in the United States may be deported to their gang-infested homeland because if you flee gang violence that means you're a violent gang-banger and also reasons.  Build the wall!

There was a fire on the roof of Trump Tower yesterday.  Let's hope they were able to save his fake Renoir.  ("No fake!  No fake!  The one in the Art Institute of Chicago is a fake!")

Winter Storm Grayson and now Hunter.  Where are they getting these names?  One of those pre-schools on the Upper East Side where they screen for sandbox skills but it's worth it because little Contumely will almost certainly be accepted at Yale?

Dr. Sebastian Gorka has obediently joined the chorus of Trumpanzees denouncing the Wolff book and asserting that the author never even set foot in the White House.  Then he mentioned the time he saw Wolff coming out of Reince Priebus's office.  In the White House.  Oh, doctor!

Rep. Brendan Boyle (D-PA) has introduced the Standardized Testing and Accountability Before Large Elections Giving Electors Necessary Information for Unobstructed Selection Act.  (Yes, the STABLE GENIUS Act.)  It requires candidates to undergo psychiatric testing under the auspices of the Department of the Navy before they run.  Probably won't get out of committee in this Congress, but as Mets fans used to say, "Wait'll next year."

Obviously that is not Trump's head.  It still has teeth.

And finally, our guest editorial from University of Alabama running back Bo Scarbrough, after the "Crimson Tide" defeated Georgia last night:  "FUCK TRUMP!"

Should replace "ROLL TIDE!"


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