Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Jubilee, jubila, life goes on

I thought there was just about the right amount of royal coverage this week.  The concert was a bit of a letdown, though.  Elton John?  Paul McCartney?  It was like a Superbowl half-time show for the erectile dysfunction generation.  (Speaking of urology, do you think Prince Philip appreciates having the entire world know how his bladder is functioning?)  And am I the only one who wishes they had asked the surviving members of Pink Floyd to sing "Shine On, You Crazy Diamond"?  Seemed like an obvious choice.  While Sir Paul was dipping into the Beatles songbook, I found myself wondering what a seventy-year jubilee is called.  After all, the Queen Mum lived to be 101.  Platinum, maybe?  Titanium, which is what HM's hip joints will most likely consist of by then?  Aren't you glad Tim Berners-Lee invented the Web so I can share these insights with the universe for all time?

Birther, dearther, flat earther

All right, this birther stuff was funny four years ago.  Now, like Donald Trump, it's boring.  If you want to work in absurdity, you have to be prepared to take it to the next level.  Challenging Obama's birth certificate went nowhere, apart from some fines imposed by judges for filing frivolous lawsuits.  By now, you should be back in court challenging Hawaiian statehood.  Any bona fide "originalist" can make the argument that the Founding Fathers (peace be upon them) never intended the United States to include a bunch of islands way the hell out in the Pacific Ocean.  They didn't even know the islands existed.  Ergo, they can't be a state.  If, in fact, they really exist.

I've never been to Hawaii (or "Hawaii").  I don't know anyone who has.  Okay, maybe one person.  I think it's awfully convenient that these so-called islands, and a harbor supposedly made of pearls, figured in the United States's entry into World War II.  Documents which I have personally seen, or anyway copies, suggest that Franklin Roosevelt (a secret Jew) had orders from the Elders to involve us in the war, so he sent a number of battleships to sail off the end of the earth and blamed their destruction on Japan.  That film they keep showing on December 7 was faked on a Hollywood soundstage, like the moon landings.  All so that Israel could be established and the Russians could occupy eastern Europe.  Also, vaccines cause autism, Michael Jackson is still alive, and there's a car that runs on peanut butter. 

See?  Something like that, before we all fall asleep.  It's Romney, for Bob's sake.