Sunday, February 05, 2023

Sunday close-out -- all sales final

 Close readers may recall that last summer we proposed the term "Alito abortion" for the act of "forgetting" an infant in a hot car.  It hasn't caught on but the good faith-based people at the Satanic Temple are thinking along similar lines and announce The Samuel Alito's Mom's Satanic Abortion Clinic.  The ritual will be performed in New Mexico, next door to a very different theocratic state.


It's funny, but they're as serious as an ectopic pregnancy.  Keep looking for that leak, Shecky.

Some deep thinker at Newsmax was saying Maxine Waters and Whoopi Goldberg should emigrate to Africa so they'll appreciate America more.  At the same time the Klown Kaucus began sporting assault rifle lapel pins to show everyone what depraved, sick idiots they are.  Suggestion:  Why don't they catch a flight to Mozambique?  There's an assault rifle on its flag:


...a Kalashnikov, if I'm not mistaken, like the ones your boy Putin sends to Ukraine with his stumblebum army.  The official language is Portuguese and I'm sure "George Santos" will teach you a few basic phrases, like "I do not eat goat" and "Please drive me to the airport, I want to go home."

Bad scary balloon all gone, shot down off the South Carolina coast so it didn't fall on anybody's garden or important defense installations like Fort Sumter.  Happy?

Trump is just not giving up on his ridiculous lawsuit against Hillary Clinton, et al., because that would be an admission that she beat him again.  He tried to post $1 million bond while appealing the sanctions his lawyers were assessed.  A clearly impressed Judge Donald Middlebrooks called him "a mastermind of strategic abuse of the judicial process," and the only word he heard was "mastermind."

Brexit has damaged the UK economy perhaps irreparably, but there was some good news -- apparently it has ruined business at the Trump Turnberry Eyesore Golf Course.  At least according to Eric, and you know what a lying sack he is.  The low, low pound was supposed to attract more visitors, but Brexit also makes it hard to hire help and increases the cost of imported products -- just as it does for the rest of the country.  Expect Daddy to deny he ever called it a "great thing" and then blame Eric or Boris or Farage or Nicola Sturgeon or Peter Strzok or wind turbines.  They destroy planes.

Clearly running on fumes, "George Santos" told donors he produced the flop musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.  Turn off the tap, whatever your name is.



 



Friday, February 03, 2023

Poo-tee-weet?

 What Vonnegut reader doesn't sit up on reading the headline "Scientists discover a new type of ice"?  Could the Ice-9 described in Cat's Cradle be here at last, initiating the ice-death of everything?  Sadly, it doesn't sound like it.  The gang at University College London (where Jeremy Bentham occasionally puts in an appearance) have stumbled across something they're calling "medium-density amorphous ice" or MDA, which resembles white powder and looks like this (left) on the molecular level:

Pretty.  What is it good for?  It might help us understand the moons of Jupiter and Saturn and if that's not a good day's work, I'm just sorry for you.  

On this sorry planet, however, it's business as usual.  A Chinese "spy balloon" is drifting over Montana and all the usual idiots can't wait to blast it out of the skies, pew-pew!  Rich Hall says a trooper in Montana will pull you over just because he's lonely, but that doesn't mean the place is utterly uninhabited, and sensible people don't want balloon bits landing on somebody's house in Butte.  Like the US, China has a large fleet of spy satellites, so why the Montgolfier-Brothers-era technology now?  One analyst thinks they're flirting with us and simultaneously taunting crisis monkeys like Trump and Empty Greene.  It's working.  It always does.

Here's the kind of incisive commentary you DirecTV subscribers are missing:  Newsmax pundit David J. Harris, Jr., thinks Whoopi Goldberg should be deported to Africa (country unspecified) until she comes to appreciate "what she has here in America."  He also wants to deport Maxine Waters, and he's totally not racist because he's Black so shut up about that.  

Former Trump liar Sarah Hockeypuck Sanders, who now lies in her own name as governor of Arkansas (insert hog noise here) will deliver the official retort to Joe Biden's State of the Union message.  All I ask is that she wear this:


What do you mean, misogynistic?  I didn't buy it for her.  

The US added over half a million jobs in January?  Even CNN grudgingly calls the numbers "jaw-dropping"?  Wall Street "shocked"?  Recession predictions "very wrong"?  Well, what about Hunter Biden's laptop?  And Paul Whelan, hah?  Why's it so cold?  Hearings!

Is this week over yet?






Thursday, February 02, 2023

This is your country

Take this.  You'll need it.


 Americans own 46 percent of the world's privately held guns.  Lauren Boebert says that isn't enough.


Congressclowns Anna Paulina Luna (R-FL), "George Santos" (R-NY) and Andrew Clyde (R-GA) (not pictured) are wearing assault rifle pins.  Luna is angry because Democrats want to keep real assault rifles out of committee rooms.  "The same Democrats who are voting to send firearms to Ukraine are telling me I can't carry one," she complained, because DC and Donetsk are indistinguishable.

Fourteen members of Congress wrote to the leadership expressing "urgent concern for the safety and security of the President, other dignitaries and guests at the upcoming State of the Union Address."

The HOUSE RULES!! Committee played host to a riveting battle of the brains as Guy Reschenthaler (R-PA) repeatedly demanded that Maxine Waters renounce Satan and all his pomps various Communist dictators, most of them long dead, including Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot.  He apparently overlooked Fidel Castro.  Rep. Waters pointed out that Trump has bragged of his closeness with living dictators like Kim Jong-un and Xi Jinping (who loved the chocolate cake at Mar a Lago).  Reschenthaler decided to remind everyone that Franklin Roosevelt, also long dead, called Stalin "Uncle Joe," therefore all Democrats are commies, the end, I yield back my time and my spittle-flecked tie.  The business of the people is often conducted in odd ways.  Expect them to get odder.

(A small point of history:  At a meeting of wartime allies, FDR told Stalin that others called him "Uncle Joe."  Stalin was offended.  Churchill had to smooth things over.  This is why the Rightzis want to make Americans ignorant of history, though Reschenthaler is clearly ahead of them.)


 Ilhan Omar was thrown off the Foreign Affairs Committee because the Squeaker says she is antisemitic.

Paul "Have you met my friend Nick Fuentes?" Gosar agrees.

So it's official government policy:  Criticize Israel and you're an antisemite.

A winter storm hit Texas, leaving ten people dead and 400,000 customers without electricity.  After the last time you'd think Ted Cruz would know enough to shut up.  He didn't.  Princeton and Harvard must be so proud.  GIGO


As Trump would say, thanks to the late, great Homer "Boots" Randolph.





Wednesday, February 01, 2023

Welcome to the Abyss

 According to Hesiod, when the Cyclops rebelled against Uranus he threw them into Tartarus.  Within Tartarus was the Abyss, where a man could fall for a year without ever touching bottom.  I know the feeling.

Today I awoke to the news of yet another Black man killed by police, in Huntington Park, California.  What makes this one different is that Anthony Lowe was a double amputee who used a wheelchair and was suspected of stabbing someone.  Yet the police couldn't manage to arrest him without Tasing him twice and then shooting him ten times.  By then he was out of the chair and attempting to crawl away.  But he could have had a knife!  They were in fear of their lives!  At least Huntington Park's Finest don't wear bodycams.  This one would have been unbearable to watch.

No, I don't know the ethnicity of the police, but I'm sure we'll hear about it soon because it's of such importance.

His sister Tatiana Jackson said her four-year-old daughter can't understand why her mother is crying.  "She keeps saying, 'Call Uncle Anthony.'  But he can't fix this."

Apparently nobody can.  

The Idiot Issue of the week is DirecTV, the woke Marxist wing of Antifa which is destroying free speech by refusing to pay whatever Newsmax asks for the privilege of carrying it.  Eric Burlison (R-MO) (I never heard of him either) went full Founding Fathers Blood of Patriots to compare their decision to -- yeah, the Holocaust.  Lauren Boebert demanded to know if they would cancel the The Weather Channel next because randomly cancelling stuff subscribers actually want is how AT&T stays in business.  The Usual Gang of Senators are threatening Commerce Committee hearings but fortunately lack the votes.  Even Governissimo DeSantis has joined the chorus by way of raising his national profile among the permanently aggrieved.

No bottom.

Squeaker McCarthy stopped licking Empty Greene's patent leather pumps long enough to put her on the House Overlook Committee and she's already making headlines.  After Jasmine Crocket (D-TX) objected to the disbanding of the civil rights subcommittee, Trump's would-be running mate stepped in  to set her straight.  While Tyre Nichols's death was sad, it happened because Memphis is controlled by Democrats and the police were Black.  The real issue of police brutality was the senseless murder of blonde Ashli Babbitt as she peacefully entered the Capitol on the Great Patriotic Holiday -- another Black officer, another Democrat city.  Deal with that!  Evidently Rep. Crocket was too stunned to reply.  

No bottom.

Here's why all cable subscribers need outlets like Newsmax and Fox News -- the information you can't hear anywhere else.  Michelle Obama is running for president!  As I recall she didn't even want her husband to run for president, but if it weren't true, why would she be talking to Robin Roberts about menopause?  Baby Tuckoo had the scoop so you know it's not the demented ravings of someone who spends too much time tanning his scrotum.  (How much is too much?)  Even Tuckoo doesn't take this seriously so he shifted to a Black woman he really, really hates, Kamala Harris.  Did you know she's "universally loathed," even by her husband, who would like to leave her "for a white dude"?  Maybe Paul Pelosi.  Those of us who've been poking the right with a stick over the years have encountered insinuations that Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama are really men (or transgender, which is even more frightening to the Tuckoos of the world), but I was still surprised to encounter the "Doug Emhoff is gay" trope.  Of course, it could have been around for years.

No bottom.






Trump's pathetic hunger for praise continues to dominate his actions.  He was happy to cite Bob Woodward on his fading Twitter knockoff ("Bob Woodward scolds media colleagues for Trump Russia coverage, says American public was 'cheated'") while simultaneously suing Woodward for $49 million for not cutting him in on royalties from the audiobook Rage.  Maybe his pathetic hunger for money is even greater.  Or he just likes having his lawsuits laughed out of court and his lawyers sanctioned so he can rant about "crooked judges."

His identification with "the late, great gangster Alphonse Capone!" is apparently total.  Having observed, "You see the mob takes the Fifth.  If you're innocent why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?" Trump invoked his right to avoid self-incrimination over four hundred times while being deposed under oath by the New York Attorney General.  Wonderful thing, perjury.

No bottom.

Do you crave still more from the bottle-blonde Neanderthal of the Georgia 14th?  Neither do I.  If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.




  

 


Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Shanda

 When I read that a Molotov cocktail was thrown at a synagogue in Bloomfield, I hoped it was the one in Connecticut.  No, it had to be Temple Ner Tamid in Bloomfield, New Jersey, the town I grew up in.  That was long ago.  

Friday was International Holocaust Remembrance Day and that wasn't the worst thing that happened.  Rep. "George Santos" decided his first speech to the House should be a condemnation of antisemitism.  It sounded especially hollow to actual Jews who don't appreciate this guy lying about his grandparents supposedly fleeing Ukraine one step ahead of the Nazis.  (He could have made it Ireland and the Black and Tans or Armenians escaping Ottoman forces.  Do some research.)  Rep. Daniel Goldman (D-NY) called it "appalling and offensive."  "Santos" has withdrawn from both committees the Squeaker assigned him until his problems with federal and state investigators and the fact-based world generally have been resolved.  He still gets paid, so he won't have to set up any more fake GoFundMe's and pocket the cash.  And he'll have more time for speeches about his great-uncle being lynched or his cousin hiding out with the Frank and Van Dam families.  His spokesperson is called Naysa Woomer, which is as plausible as anything else.

 


 Here's the unsuccessful synagogue bomber.  I wonder if he's a graduate of Dissident Homeschool.

First Bloomfield, then Stormy Daniels.  Am I having flashbacks?  Is this where I came in?  No, it was back in 2016 when Trump decided to pay the actor/producer $130,000 to not talk about their one-night stand (she estimated ninety seconds, if I'm remembering right) lest it dismay his fundagelical supporters.  It's 2023, I checked, and Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg suddenly got the urge to convene a grand jury and investigate possible law-breaking, a line of inquiry he had previously abandoned.  Trump's taking it as seriously as he's capable, calling Bragg "radical" and Daniels "horse faced," though he stopped short of sneering that she's "not my type."  It looks like the irresistibly named David Pecker, then editor of the National Inquirer, has already testified.  $130,000 divided by 90 seconds works out to about $1,445 a second.  Trump got a bargain.

Another blast from 2016 is the arrest of former FBI agent Charles McGonigal, who was snuggling up with Paul Manafort and Oleg Deripaska that year while using the New York field office to ratfuck Hillary Clinton's campaign.  Remember all her classified emails?  Yeah, turns out not so classified after all, despite what James Comey hinted -- loudly -- in the closing days of the campaign.  Should the New York Times admit it was the chief facilitator of the ratfuck? media critics want to know.  As do I.

Gym Jordan demanded to see what the Justice Department has on Joe Biden's classified documents investigation and they told him to piss up a rope.  The DoJ is slow but when they put their foot down it leaves a mark.

Tropical Trump-on-the-run Jair Bolsonaro has applied for a six-month visa to continue evading prosecution in Florida.  When the inevitable coup happens I expect Putin to join hm.

The Republiclowns can't prevent women from serving in state legislatures yet, but they can tighten the screws by imposing dress codes.  Missouri already required "dresses or skirts or slacks worn with a blazer or sweater and appropriate dress shoes or boots" but an amendment proposed shamefully by Ann Kelly says no more sweaters, not "professional" enough, and certainly no exposed arms.  Florida, usually in the vanguard of vileness, has now responded by banning "low-cut blouses or dresses, sleeveless tops, and dresses and skirts more than one inch above the knee."  Apart from head coverings, this sounds like the required attire for an audience with the pope or interview with the Grand Ayatollah of Iran.

Poor Kari Lake has found her Max Von Mayerling.  "You're the frickin' governor of Arizona," Steve Bannon assured her on his podcast Picnic with Pigpen.  "You just won an incredibly tough race because you stood for policies that MAGA stood for."  Madame is the greatest governor of them all.



   


Monday, January 30, 2023

The mirror crack'd

 


I'm confident that no presidential candidate in a century has kicked off his campaign by referencing "the late, great gangster, Alphonse Capone!"  As in he has more lawyers working for him than Big Al.  Trump seems to find this praiseworthy.  Like Capone, his guilt is not in doubt but it may yet be necessary to ignore all the sedition, treason and serial rape and convict him of tax evasion.  This is what happens when you activate your thumbs without engaging whatever brain you have left.

Instead of the vast hate parties of 2020 he's booking smaller venues to make the "crowd" look bigger, like a high school auditorium in Salem, New Hampshire, followed by the South Carolina statehouse.  He'll probably head for a Chik-fil-a in Zanesville, Ohio, next, and J.D. Vance will think of a reason not to join him, like Tim Scott and Nikki Haley.  As Big Al knew, you can't trust nobody to be loyal.

Trump must be broken out with skin eruptions from the pressure of all the pending indictments because he's wearing more makeup than Gene Simmons gets through in a national KISS tour.  The ravings are familiar yet dialed up to eleven.  Wind turbines "kill all the birds, destroy all the planes, and our beautiful oceans and seas and everything else."  I remember when they just caused cancer.  If you want to become an American citizen, "go to the southern border, just walk across the line," a previously unknown clause in the Fourteenth Amendment.  (Trump still has all the best words -- he invented the word "caravan," no matter what the dictionaries say about its Persian origin --FAKE ETYMOLOGY!!)  Just three more weeks in office and he would have completed WALL, and not with ugly shipping containers like that loser Ducey, who refused to find him all the votes in Arizona.  Also he could still order Putin to stop the war because puppets tell their ventriloquists what to do, like in that movie Dead of Night.  Etc.  Time called it "a standard Trump speech, but with a more uneven pacing and a little weirder and meandering."  A little weirder?

"I am more angry now and I am more committed now than ever."  So all that about Capone and turbines destroying planes and instant citizenship was not a display of Trumpian wit?  And the inability of the Taliban to fight at night because they lack "binoculars"?  He wants a "new credentialing body" which will certify the "patriotism" of teachers and fire "pink-haired communists" -- I have no clue where that came from but I know teachers in the Third Reich had to spend a month in Nazi boot camp.  

"World War III would be a catastrophe unlike any other," he proclaimed, and it's hard to argue.  And of course it's going to be Joe Biden's doing.  When he's swept to power he will build an "impenetrable dome" to protect the country for which he has nothing but contempt.  Israel has a missile defense system known as the Iron Dome and it's possible he thinks it's a real dome.  Or he wants to revive Reagan's "Star Wars," which consumed billions of dollars and never worked even in tests.  Or he doesn't know Israel is about the size of New Jersey.  

Oh, yes, Hunter Biden's laptop.  It's going to be an entertaining year.



  

Sunday, January 29, 2023

Who's got the bicycle pump?

 Laughs are scarce in war but count on those merry Russians to brighten a cold January day.  They're sending inflatable tanks to Ukraine.  Of course, they also deflate.


The obvious inspiration is General George Patton's "Ghost Army" a huge exercise in subterfuge designed to confuse the Luftwaffe about where tanks were being massed for the invasion of Europe.  It helped that the Germans respected Patton more than any other Allied commander and couldn't believe that smacking a few soldiers suffering from PTSD would get him relieved in disgrace.  

Of course the rubber tanks were never used in combat, as appears to be the case in Ukraine.  I don't think Putin's generals are in on the joke.  We've seen Ukrainian farmers towing real Russian tanks which ran out of gas, now they can use these to patch their boots.

Meanwhile Russian TV reporter Anastasia Yelsukova was covering a battle in Donetsk when she suddenly cried out and grabbed her knee.  Russian media posted images of her getting first aid, being transported, and in the hospital.  Her leg was saved!  Unless, of course, it's just more maskirovka (bullshit).  In soccer they call it "diving."

Putin's No. 1 cheerleader in America Tucker Carlson thinks we should imitate the Fearless Leader of All Western Civilization by invading a harmless neighboring country.  "Why should we let it become Cuba?" he demanded, naming another neighbor.  Of course it's Canada, which has dealt through its legal system (Merrick Garland, please note) with truckers who obstructed traffic in Ottawa last year because they didn't want to follow covid protocols.  "I'm completely in favor of a Bay of Pigs operation to liberate that country," he went on, citing a notable low point in the enforcement of our one-sided Monroe Doctrine.  Then he giggled to let the boys and girls know that his words "cannot reasonably be interpreted as facts."  Especially when he's being sued.  Tuckums, if you love Russia so much go and fight for it. 

I don't have any Santos jokes today because he hasn't claimed to be a lost Romanov heir or the guy who shot Tupac, and because the shit's getting real.  The Federal Election Commission was starting to interest itself in the anonymous donors to his 2020 campaign (if you lose they don't care, it's like The Producers) when the FBI said, "It's OK, we got this."  That means a criminal investigation, and he's already facing one from Nassau County DA Anne T. Donnelly.   If Donnelly is anything like Fani Willis, Santos/Devolder/Ravache/Fischer-Dieskau* should throw himself on the mercy of the Justice Department.

DirecTV, a private corporation, made a business decision to drop Newsmax, which is Fox News for people under 70, and James Comer (R-KY) promised that his House Oversight Committee (I always want to write Overlook, like the hotel) will hold very serious hearings into this assault on the First Amendment or whatever he thinks it is.  This is how the very serious House Klown Kaucus works.  Next:  hearings into people who refuse to watch Newsmax.  

New Hampshire ("Live Free and Don't Pay Taxes") has four electoral votes, which might be one reason Joe Biden chose not to campaign there (covid being the other).  They're miffed, and Marianne Williamson is trying to capitalize on the miffing by being the first and most hopeless challenger in the  state.  She's there right now, trying on mufflers and lighting scented candles and exuding so much positive woo that several diners had to be evacuated.  I assume this is how she sells books.

Are you tired of American flags and "Dont Tread On Me" shirts manufactured in the People's Republic of China?  Sure, we all are!  Cory Mills (R-FL) is so happy Florida makes hand grenades that he presented one to each of his colleagues, along with a letter of authenticity.  He says they're inert and I say he is.  Anyway, the metal detectors are definitely gone.  If you're not familiar with this particular example of Florida Man, he's an election denier who's proud his company also makes tear gas for use on Black Lives Matter and other uppity...folks.  (Here's a description of the original Mills grenade, made for British forces during World War I.  Cory's looks like a roll-on deodorant.)



Given Florida's nonchalant attitude toward covid, no one should be surprised that a network of nursing schools sold fake credentials to 7,600 people in the state.  It isn't called "God's waiting room" for nothing. 




*He hasn't claimed to be a German singer yet but there's plenty of time.