Tuesday, October 19, 2021

First responder

 Trying not to overthink it.

Five people died in a 35-minute "rampage" last week in Konsberg, Norway.  At first we were told they were killed with a bow and arrows by an "Islamic extremist."  Today we are informed that they were actually stabbed, and the perpetrator was motivated by "illness."  I don't know if it's comforting or disturbing to live in a country where the police have so little experience of violent crime that they don't even know how to describe it.  

Hal Uhrig, the lawyer who defended George Zimmerman in the killing of Trayvon Martin, has himself been charged with witness tampering and solicitation of perjury.  He can no longer say, like Lamar Parmentel in The Big Easy, "I only represent sleazebags."

Kanye West has officially changed his name to Ye.  I don't give a ck.

A gang that kidnapped seventeen missionaries in Haiti is demanding $17 million in ransom.  One is an infant of eight months.  Jesus Christ, these people brought their kids?  When they get back to Ohio the social services should take them away.

The story of the neighbors who listened and did nothing as Kitty Genovese was assaulted and killed in Kew Gardens, Queens, in 1964 has been debunked as mostly an urban myth amplified by the press, but the 40-minute rape of a woman on a Philadelphia commuter train this week is all too real.  We know because other passengers pulled out their phones and recorded the whole crime without even trying to intervene.  The Delaware County district attorney is considering charges against the amateur cinematographers.  

I'm starting to think Pete and Chasten Buttigieg adopted twins in part to draw some of the festering hate away from the rest of the Biden administration.  The family is an obsession of the Rightzi media, attacked over everything from paternity leave to how babies are doomed without the touch of a real breast-owning female mother.   It's good of the Buttigiegs to act as lightning rods in these fraught times.  I assume they have no plans to raise Joseph as "a monster" no matter what Mad Cawthorn says.

Speaking of madness, Trump was deposed in the first of many pending civil suits, this one brought by protesters who were assaulted by his goons in 2015.  Scratchy after four-and-a-half hours under oath, he was in rare form yesterday.  Bill Cassidy (R-LA), a gastroenterologist as well as a Senator, proposed that people in power over a certain age be required to pass a cognitive test.  No response from Speaker Pelosi, Senator Feinstein or Justice Breyer but Trump immediately decided it was aimed at him and began raving that "Wacky Bill Cassidy can't walk down the street in Louisiana...the great people curse him."  (Cassidy voted for impeachment.)  Then he told the Washington Examiner he would have prevented the January 6 riot if only he had been allowed to march to the Capitol with his peeps.  It's all the fault of the Secret Service.  Then he noticed that Colin Powell had died and decided to sour the usual encomia by calling him a "classic RINO" who "made big mistakes on Iraq," even whining about how he was "treated in death so beautifully by the Fake News Media."  Could Powell replace John McCain on Trump's list of military hate objects?  Wait till he finds out his great friend Prince Bone Saw of Saudi Arabia presented him with a bunch of cheap knockoffs during his 2017 visit.


It looks like a lamp from a 1940s New York police station they picked up on eBay.

For someone who owns a lot of (mortgaged) golf properties and loves the "beautiful" history of racism and slavery represented by Confederate statues, it's surprising Trump hasn't splashed out on one like the Lee statue removed from a Dallas park which has surfaced at a country club in Terlingua, Texas.  Some places are giving them away, which is within Short-Fingers's price range.

Here's someone who needs no cognitive testing.  A magazine called The Oldie tried to give the Queen its "Oldie of the Year" award and she told them in the most dignified way possible to fold it in thirds and insert it in the pink mailbox.  Please.


Monday, October 18, 2021

Always look on the bright side of life

 Police are resisting vaccine mandates all over the country and in some places resigning rather than be immunized against a disease that has killed more police than guns.  Why is this good?  It makes it easier to identify Trump followers who wear blue uniforms instead of red caps and who, based on the actions of Capitol Police officer Michael A. Reilly, could prove untrustworthy in a future insurrection.  Additionally, it's the right time for mayors to do to the cop unions what Reagan did to the air traffic controllers.  That's how Governor Calvin Coolidge came to national attention when Boston police struck in 1919.  Mayor Lightfoot, are you up for it?

This time it's bound to work!  Marc Lore, who made far too much money as a Walmart executive (the starting pay is $12 an hour), wants to build the ideal city Telosa, described as "a mash-up of equality and capitalism."  He is scouting locations, as they say in the movie business.  I suggest the Amazon basin, soon to be denuded of forest by Bolsonaro policies.  That's where Henry Ford established Fordlandia in 1929 to produce rubber for his cars, "the by-products of his real business, which is the making of men."  There might still be some access roads and sewer pipes left, along with a few ghosts and a couple tons of hubris.  

Right-wing funster Dennis Prager says he has covid, and says he meant to contract it, and says his superior white man immune system will keep him from harm without any vaccines.  At the moment there is no reason to believe anything he says.

Vanessa Bryant is suing Los Angeles County for emotional distress, claiming that sheriff's deputies shared photos of the helicopter crash that killed her husband Kobe Bryant and their young daughter.  Attorneys for the county have demanded that she and co-plaintiffs undergo psychiatric exams to prove they were damaged by this callous act.  I can't think of a more certain way to get the jury on Mrs. Bryant's side.

Last Thursday Robert Durst was sentenced to life imprisonment for a murder in 2000.  On Saturday his lawyer announced that he has covid and is on a ventilator.  Justice delayed...how does that go?

Coastal sand dunes in Aberdeenshire, Scotland, have lost their designation as a protected environmental site because the owner of the golf course they abut lied about preserving them.  Can you guess his name?  Wait, that's not the good part:  under Scottish law said liar can be compelled to reveal the source of the rubles cash he used to buy the land.  


Masks?  We don't need no stinking masks!  Moscow is jumping despite a thousand covid deaths a day.  It looks like Sputnik-V is not the vaccine it's made out to be.  At least there are no reports of Russians beating up people who wear masks.  They're not savages.



Friday, October 15, 2021

Did anyone ask?

The source of all wisdom Wikipedia defines the Streisand Effect as "a phenomenon that occurs when an attempt to hide, remove or censor information has the unintended consequence of increasing awareness of that information."  In other words, keep your big mouth shut.  Fortunately Trump never learned to do that, whether the topic is the size of his penis or conspiring with Russia.  So when the National Republican Senatorial Committee met in Palm Beach for his convenience, he treated them to some new material based on very old material.  In the midst of oldies about the "stolen" election, how he personally saved a dying party and "phony impeachment" (singular) the congregation suddenly heard this:

"I'm not into golden showers.  You know the great thing, our great First Lady -- 'That one,' she said, 'I don't believe that one.'"   

Like Adele releasing a new single after six years, that became the story.  He can't remember the source of the "pee tape" rumor (the Steele dossier), he can't remember the name of "our great First Lady," and now we have to wonder what she does believe about her feckless prenup partner, but he definitely does not enjoy this particular kink.  Well, I never thought he did.  He's a germophobe who can't stand the sight of blood and ran in disgust from a room where a woman was nursing.  He didn't want George Bush's casket on "his" plane even when he wasn't on board.  Cemeteries creep him out.  Whatever Putin has on him of a sexual (as opposed to financial or legal) nature probably involves underage girls and is perfectly kosher in Moscow.  But urine, nyet.  

So why bring it up?  Dementia?  Indiscretion?  Inability to read a room even when it's full of toadies?  Tell us what else you're "not into" -- exercise, vegetarian food, ramps, women who resist, women who aren't attractive enough to be photographed with you, women who head successful countries like Germany, women who call you "mushroom penis" and sue you, dogs, birds, toilets that struggle to handle your enormous dumps, lawyers who want to get paid, did I omit most of the world that isn't even white?  

Talking of debt-plagued lawyers, do you remember signing one of your many books to Rudolph Giuliani?  "The best mayor N.Y.C. has ever had!" just sold it at auction for $54,143.  He currently lacks a law license in New York and the District of Columbia because of your loopy claims of election fraud and, well, I guess you know how alimony bills mount up.  Please don't be too angry, he really really likes you.  It's kind of pathetic.  I'm sure he has signed baseballs that would bring in more but he's holding onto them.  

It's been a week of indiscretions.  Lindsey Graham -- you remember him, he's currently in disgrace for saying the talk of election rigging in Georgia is so much chin music -- went to Sean Hannity to denounce the Biden administration for calling off immigration raids at job sites (they're going after the employers of the undocumented instead).  He also proclaimed that "forty thousand Brazilians" have crossed the southern border sporting "designer clothes and Gucci bags" and headed for those lucrative day-labor jobs in Connecticut.  Anyone but Hannity would have laughed out loud.  If I were a senator about whom rumors regularly circulate, in a party where homophobia would be a plank in the platform if they were still allowed to have one, I would conceal my ability to tell Gucci from Louis Vuitton at a glance.  But I'm not. 

Glenn Youngkin is an ardent Trumpite and candidate for governor of Virginia, but when Pigpen Bannon showed up at his "Take Back Virginia" rally with a flag he swore had been carried in the January 6 coup attempt, Youngkin suggested it might not be exactly a good idea to pledge allegiance to it.  After all, we only have Pigpen's word, it's not as if it's stained with the blood of Martyr Ashli Babbitt.  His opponent Terry McAuliffe is campaigning with Stacey Abrams, who is awesome, so I trust Virginians to do the right thing and give Glenn a chance to scream FRAUD AT POLLS!

Bill Clinton is recovering in a California hospital from a urinary tract infection.  Funny how everything comes back to piss today.  


 


Thursday, October 14, 2021

Culture wars heating up

No one can understand why the Augustus St. Gaudens funerary monument in Cornish, New Hampshire,  was defaced with anti-Semitic slogans.  St. Gaudens was not Jewish.  He is best known, however, for the 54th Massachusetts memorial on Boston Common, honoring Colonel Robert Gould Shaw and the most celebrated Black regiment in the Civil War.  Which was itself vandalized last year.


Of course racists and anti-Semites have more than a passing acquaintance.  Down in Southlake, Texas, a new chapter was written in the struggle against critical race theory.  Teachers have been told that if they have a book about the Holocaust in the classroom they must also offer one with an "opposing perspective."  I don't know if that means a David Irving-type text claiming that it never happened or a book suggesting that the Jews had it coming.  I imagine we will hear more.

The Georgia Board of Education -- why are you laughing? -- decreed in June that there won't be any teaching about critical race theory or otherwise implying that racism is a real thing.  So when some white students at Coosa High School in Rome -- if you don't stop laughing I will turn this blog around -- decided to celebrate by waving a Confederate flag to mark "farm day," Black students planned a protest and were suspended before they could carry it out.  I guess that will show them.  It will also suggest that no matter what Mr. Beauregard is permitted to teach in American History, America's young people are painfully aware that racism has never gone away.  (Farm day?)

I don't read comic books because I am an adult, but I had to investigate the smell of burning hair.  I soon traced it to other adults whose heads are on fire because the newest version of Superman, apparently the son of the original and Lois Lane, is bisexual.  He kissed a boy and he liked it.  There is nothing that energizes the conservatives like the sex lives of imaginary characters, except possibly the racial identities of imaginary characters.  The very thought of a Black Santa Claus or a female James Bond gives them the yips.  Although he recently quit the role of Bond, Daniel Craig can expect plenty of grief for saying he frequents gay bars (fewer fistfights) and has kissed all his leading men.  If the UK breaks up I expect blame to fall on Jodie Whittaker, the first female Doctor on Doctor Who.  

You finally did it, you damn dirty Democrats!  You destroyed Christmas!  "Experts say Biden won't be able to save Christmas" screams The Hill, which is practically the same thing.  Joe the Grinch has longshoremen and truckers working around the clock -- it doesn't hurt to have a president who's on speaking terms with labor unions -- but the port congestion has been building for a long time mostly because of pandemic lockdowns and people too sick to work.  Christmas will still kick off in December but the stores may be out of the stuff Americans spend billions of dollars on because it's made somewhere else.  All right, China.  The people who blast their religiosity like bad breath will nevertheless insist that it's just not Christmas without plastic wreaths, shiny wrapping paper and glass balls the cat can knock off the tree.   And you can forget about Halloween -- there's not a slutty nurse costume to be had.   By December it will be Biden's fault that Louis DeJoy has made the postal service even worse.

All right, how many got this barely veiled threat from the National Republican Congressional Committee?

 


As far as I can tell it's authentic.  Stefanik?  Greene?  Sammy "The Bull" Gravano?  Is anybody missing tonight?












 

Monday, October 11, 2021

Make believe bawl room

It required no gift of prophecy to predict that cute little domestic terrorist Ashli Babbitt would get her own Horst Wessel-Lied or that it would come from Nashville.  I assume the guitar picker who wrote and recorded it and who goes by the unimprovable name Forgiato Blow is a country singer; if I'm wrong I apologize to all the others.  You can hear it all over, and if it don't make your nose fill up my name ain't Lonesome Pynes.  You can read the lyric here to kinda brace yourself.  
If she hadn't been murdered by Democrats Ashli would have been thrilled to know she was the subject of "Texas Loves Ashli Babbitt Day" in Freeport, Texas.  The day's highlight was a classically dishonest and generally sickening birthday tribute from Der Fuhrer himself (via video and Teleprompter) encouraging the assembled MAGAts to do a better job with the next Putsch.
I guess they rejected my version:

   On the Hill, ev'ry Friday
   On the Hill it's Trump's Big Lie day
   So ev'ry time the mob comes along
   I dress up silly and I sing this song:

   Climb, Babbitt, climb, Babbitt, smash right through
   Hang Pence and shoot Pelosi, Schumer too 
   You'll be remembered for being a tool
   Who died to empower a fat fascist fool

(thanks to Bud Flanagan and Chesney Allen, "Run, Rabbit, Run" 1939)

"There was no reason Ashli should have lost her life that day," he had the gall to intone.  Hey, Melania, someone needs a full-length mirror.  



 
    

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Solved!

 At last we know what happened to all those American cities that vanished last summer -- they were vaporized by Black Lives Matter.  That comes directly from Lara Trump, incubator of Eric-spawn and your next Senator, North Carolina, with the imprimatur of Fox News ("You give us twenty-five years, we'll give you the end of the republican experiment").  She arrived angry about the Justice Department providing security requested by school board members who didn't sign up for death threats and assaults.  Because Merrick Garland's jack-booted thugs are coming to take your guns freedom.  "If you want to go after people, how about cops that were murdered?  How about complete and entire cities that were destroyed?" she demanded.  That's why I never hear from anyone in Kenosha anymore.  Gone.  Damn.

Of course, no police were shot in Kenosha.  Jacob Blake was shot by Officer Rusten Sheskey and is paralyzed below the waist, and federal prosecutors have declined to file charges.  Kyle Rittenhouse's mom drove him over from Illinois so he could kill two people and wound a third, but it turns out he was just doing some nocturnal hunting and they looked like rabbits or whatever you hunt at night in a city.  It's hard to tell what with Kenosha being burned to the ground.  

America's white supremacists got a few suggestions on strategy from a Tory MP named Jonathan Gullis.  He believes that just using the term "white privilege" makes you a terrorist who should be reported to the government's counterterrorist program Prevent.  Moreover, teachers who say anything critical of the Conservative Party must be fired.  Expressing support for the European Union?  Death or exile.  I made that last one up because it hasn't occurred to him yet.

Meanwhile we've got a Scorpions-in-a-Bottle double event.  Mickey Flynn has long been a favorite of QAnon, until they noticed him leading a prayer meeting at some cult center in Nebraska and had an epiphany:  The general is a Satanist!  Which for some reason is incompatible with Qism.  I never would have guessed.  Will Mike have to choose between the Q Continuum and the I AM outfit?  It's a nailbiter for sure.

And it couldn't come at a worse time, for there is another disturbance in the farce.  Which archnutter sits nearer the Trump throne, Margie Greene or Lin Wood?  Prepare for war in heaven as Wood calls Greene "a communist."  Unless you're a lawyer who's taken a lot of blows to the head it's a little hard to follow Wood's argument but here goes.  Greene has called for Joe Biden's impeachment, which implies that he is actually the President which NO NO NOTNOTNOT!  Moreover you can't impeach him with "a communist Congress" because they take their orders from the Politburo or something.  "A traitor will come at you as a patriot.  Be careful," Wood warned darkly.  Margie responded by accusing Wood of stealing money that patriots donated for the defense of his client, Kyle "Nimrod" Rittenhouse.  She's flailing, or she would have linked him to David Icke's Lizard People which, I'm sorry to say, is not a zydeco-ska band.  We expect more from you, Margie.  It's not like you're busy with committees or any other actual work.

Look, the Lizard People are getting things done.  They talked Anthony Warner into bombing a chunk of downtown Nashville last Christmas.  They warned Matthew Coleman about his children's serpent DNA so he could save the world from them.  Queen Elizabeth is immortal -- she's the Lizard Queen.  (Sorry, Charles.)  I'm not sure why Robert DeNiro dressed up as an Uzbek homeopath and shot Malala Yousafzai, but I'll take their word for it.  Does Jonathan Gullis know David Icke?  Anyone who asks that question must be on the Soros payroll.


This is an albino squirrel.  Need I say more?


 

Friday, October 08, 2021

The times, they are a-changin'

 Monday October 11 is Columbus Day, when we celebrate the day before the Italian navigator's Spanish crew set foot on Hispaniola.  Has America changed over the last nine months?  Read Joe Biden's Proclamation which finds room to celebrate the achievements of Italian Americans while acknowledging the tragedy and resilience of this country's First People.  Compare and contrast with last year's, warning darkly of "radical activists" and bragging about the Executive Order meant to protect the statues of racist seditionists.  Night and day.  I'm only surprised it didn't warn about how rigged the election would be.

It's been a bad week for the Forever President.  Desperate for attention, last night he made up with Fox News long enough to inform Sean Hannity that Haitian immigrants represent "a death wish for our country."  That's been his position on all immigrants who aren't Norwegian, but this time he traveled back to the 1980s to single out the poorest nation in this hemisphere for abuse:  "Haiti has a tremendous AIDS problem.  AIDS is a step beyond.  AIDS is a real bad problem.  Many of those people will probably have AIDS..." and so on, repeating "AIDS" as the demented tend to do.  To be clear, the Trumpandemic has claimed over 700,000 American lives, hospitals have instituted triage and people react with sometimes fatal violence to the suggestion that they wear a mask, but in his racist mind AIDS -- long controlled by drugs -- is still as terrifying as when he haunted Studio 54.

The Trump Organization [sic] is still trying to unload the lease on the Trump Trivago, the hotel he opened in Washington to siphon money out of diplomats, lobbyists and other supplicants who understood they had to stay and be seen there.  Despite four years of this 64-karat grift, the place managed to lose $70 million under the expert management of Junior & Eric, despite public filings claiming a profit of $150 million.  That is quite a disparity, and I can't believe it all went up Junior's nose.

One of the charges in one of the impeachments was obstruction of justice, but the Senate let him get away with it and no, Senator Collins, Trump has not learned his lesson.  He has ordered Steve Bannon and three other scofflaws to ignore subpoenas from the January 6 Select Committee, possibly setting Pigpen up for criminal penalties.  Will he put his noxious person where his mouth is?  I'm tingling with anticipation.  To make matters worse for Trump, Jen Psaki said the President believes "an assertion of executive privilege is not warranted" for documents Trump is eager to conceal.  Could it be even worse than we thought?

Poor Donnie's star on the Hollywood Walk of Whothehellsthat? is regularly vandalized but an artist called Plastic Jesus decided that isn't enough.  He installed a white coffin labeled "USA Freedom Box."  Beat that, John Wayne!  Plastic Jesus says his motto is "Stop making stupid people famous."  Too late.

Another blow to the Trump legacy:  Joe Biden has restored full protection to national monuments trashed by the Zinke-Bernhardt Interior Department, including Bear Ears and Grand Staircase/Escalante in Utah.  Next up:  rescue the Postal Service from DeJoy.

It doesn't look like the Pulitzer Prize those reporters won in 2018 for writing about Russian interference in the 2016 election will be rescinded.  Also, not only has Trump again failed to win a Nobel Peace Prize but it was shared by journalists who make life uncomfortable for the autocrats of two of Trump's favorite places, Russia (Dmitry Muratov) and the Philippines (Maria Ressa).  No Emmy either.  

And the Nobel for literature honored Abdulrazak Gurnah from the "shithole country" of Tanzania.  Not your year, Donnie.  Very very unfair.