I hate this year

 Paul Sorvino and David Warner on the same day.  

I need something to laugh at.

Oh, here it is.  America's most obnoxious back seat driver, Donald J. Trump, had form when he assaulted his Secret Service chauffeur on January 6.  In one of the trademark monologues so beloved of mental health professionals he told a bunch of paying dopes in Florida about that time he flew to Iraq and it was so dangerous they had to dim the lights on Air Force One to avoid detection, because nobody in the Middle East has radar.  This apparently unnerved him so much that he decided to help the pilot land.  In his telling, "I said, 'Captain, we're pretty low.  Captain, what the hell is going on?  You wanna pull up, Captain?'  I don't see any runway.  I don't see anything."  Somehow the "captain" (at least a colonel, I'm sure) managed to get them down, whereupon "I told my wife how brave I was."  

Wait, that's not the punchline.  "I wanted to give myself the Congressional Medal of Honor but they wouldn't let me do it.  I've always wanted that but they said it wouldn't be appropriate."  

First of all, I thought it was the Purple Heart he coveted, for screwing so many women without contracting a disease back in the 1970s.  Second, how are the bone spurs?  If it was Trump's intention to denigrate the highest military award this country has by making it the subject of his so-called wit, he didn't quite succeed.  Does he have any idea why so many Medals of Honor are posthumous?  Does he care?  

And who is they?

This day is really working my last nerve.  Here we have pathetic Trumpanzee Marco Rubio snarling at Pete Buttigieg about marriage equality and calling him a "Marxist misfit."   That would be Lieutenant Pete Buttigieg, USNR, recipient of the Joint Service Commendation Medal for service in Afghanistan, you pudgy little sock-puppet.  Say, Marco, why don't you swim home to visit your primos?  Sharks are especially abundant this summer, maybe America and Cuba will both get lucky.

Bishop Lamor Whitehead was conducting a service in his Leaders of Tomorrow International Ministries church in Brooklyn when "three to four men" with guns walked in and robbed him and his wife of all their personal and episcopal bling.  Little did they know the service was being livestreamed.  Also, somebody got the number of the thieves' white Mercedes.  Nobody was hurt, so I'm allowed to find all this hilarious.

The Wall Street Journal and New York Post both published editorials on Friday condemning Trump's lack of "character" (snork) during the January 6 insurrection.  Today everyone wants to know if Rupert Murdoch has joined the woke mob or is just reaching around in the barrel for a more viable candidate.  If he pulls out a dripping Ron DeSantis we'll know for sure.  Say, didn't someone say about six years ago that Trump lacked the "temperament" to be president?  Blonde lady, pants suit, during a debate?  I'll have to research that.  Meanwhile, an apology might be in order, Rupert.  If not from you, one of your ankle-gumming newts at Fox.

While campaigning for governor in Rochester, New York, Rep. Lee Zeldin was attacked by a man with a dangerous keychain.  Or was he?  The alleged assailant, David Jakubonis, says he was drinking and also that he had no idea who Zeldin is.  Zeldin is trailing Governor Kathy Hochul by nearly twenty points.  Could this be...a false flag?  Isn't that what Alex Jones or some other load always says when there's a gun massacre or a Proud Boys riot?  

Back off.  I mean it.  I'll turn you into one of these.