Now hiring

Are you a patriotic American who likes to carve stuff?  Do you have your own chisel?  Distraction Depot wants to hear from you!

Distraction Depot (official name "National Garden of American Heroes") is another fantasy concocted by Steves Miller and Bannon, I'm guessing, to appeal to the white power multitudes they imagine will materialize at the polls in four months.  (They're currently under the porch refusing to respond to polling organizations, but that's all a clever feint.)  Distraction Depot was willed into existence by a Hereby Order as Florida and Texas competed for Most New Covid Cases In a Day honors, Trump assured listeners "It's 99 percent totally harmless" and the death toll topped 132,000.  Since this will never happen, no site has been announced so don't bother with your snide suggestions.  (Like they don't already use Death Valley for other things.)

The Heroes have been designated, and the list is revealing only for its omissions.  Some right-wing extremists (Antonin Scalia, Ronald Reagan) but not Barry Goldwater, who was a loser.  Some generals who were better at self-aggrandizement than fighting (MacArthur, Patton) but not their boss (Eisenhower).  No Latinos, Asians or Native Americans.  Five safe African Americans (Jackie Robinson but not Muhammad Ali or Curt Flood or Jack Johnson).  Indian fighters Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, side by side I assume so we can decide which one looked more like Fess Parker.  A scattering of women.  No Democratic presidents.  Medal of Honor winner and movie star Audie Murphy but not Medal of Honor winner Alvin York, who worked for the socialistic Civilian Conservation Corps.  No writers but Harriet Beecher Stowe.  No musicians, artists or architects, no labor leaders or medical pioneers, no lawyers or journalists or filmmakers, no astronauts but Christa McAuliffe, no inventors but the Wright brothers and Benjamin Franklin.  Christians only.

It's gonna be yuge, with a ten-foot wall to keep out the "angry mobs."  Applications being accepted.  Try to do better than this.

Yes, it's Lucille Ball!  No longer scaring children in Celoron, New York.